The hidden meaning of New Year’s gifts

“If I don’t know what to give someone, then I ask him to avoid unnecessary things,” 36-year-old Antonina shares her experience. – But it happens that some information slips in the conversation, which I then take into account when choosing a gift. Sometimes I see something that is associated with this or that acquaintance. For example, when I am in St. Petersburg, I buy postcards for a colleague at the Singer House. It has never happened to me so far that I was given something unpleasant. I was happy even with the second blender.”

But 47-year-old Anastasia is difficult to please, as she herself admits: “As a gift, I would rather prefer a bottle of wine or a delicacy than a thing that does not fit into my worldview. Mass donations, like for the New Year, I do not like. Often I don’t know what to do with the gift. Once they brought me a very expensive Christmas tree toy, which caused me shudders of an aesthetic kind. She lay at home for a long time, but I still decided and took her out to the entrance, to the mailboxes, maybe someone will come in handy.

42-year-old Irina is waiting for the New Year with horror. Usually on this holiday, she receives a “Jesuit wish from her mother-in-law”: “They give me a vacuum cleaner with the words “Maybe the house will be cleaner,” or a set of teas for weight loss. I want to give a set of poisons in return!”

And 28-year-old Albert wonders why there are so many emotions because of the gifts: “I rejoice at any sign of attention. It’s just a thing that doesn’t say anything about me.” But if it’s “just a thing,” why do we get so upset about bad gifts?

“The gift binds the giver and the receiver in a special bond. With its help, we emphasize the value of the connection established between us and the desire to maintain it in the future,” explains analytical psychologist Elina Bozhenko. “In fairy tales, there is often such a motif: before parting, the heroes give objects, thanks to which, at the end of the fairy tale, they find each other again.”

Connection with the gods

The custom of giving is rooted in ancient rituals, recalls Elina Bozhenko: “Ancestors brought gifts to the gods in the hope of their patronage, which meant well-being and a good life. The rituals of offering gifts acquired special significance at key points of the year. And we still celebrate significant dates with gifts.

“It is known that in ancient times time was perceived as cyclical,” continues the psychologist. “Each year represented a cycle from the birth to the death of the world. The new year was associated with the transition, with the death of the old year and the birth of a new world.

For the transition process to be successful, it was necessary to appease the “tops” with gifts

“Offerings symbolized the connection that a person established with higher powers. Therefore, it was extremely important that these gifts were accepted, the psychologist emphasizes. “Let’s remember the story from the Old Testament: “And the Lord looked upon Abel and his gift, but he did not look at Cain and his gift. Cain was greatly distressed, and his face fell down” (Gen. 4:4-5).” The one whose gift was rejected was left without blessing and support. And until now, we believe that to refuse a gift means to offend the giver.

“From the course of world history, we remember that the ambassadors of different countries who came on a diplomatic mission always brought with them many valuable gifts as a sign of location and desire to agree on something. Thus, the vertical connection of mankind with the gods and the horizontal connection of people and states with each other were fastened with the help of gifts,” says Elina Bozhenko. It turns out that by making gifts, we are engaged in establishing contacts.

Messages without words

“It is generally accepted that gifts are a way to please someone else. But if you look deeper, it turns out that this is also a way of non-verbal interaction with each other, ”says Anastasia Preobrazhenskaya, a clinical psychologist, family psychotherapist. And in the role of recipients, we react not so much to the thing itself, but to the message that is conveyed to us with its help. What messages do we send to each other with the help of bundles and boxes? The psychologist highlights some of them.

“I love you”

Flowers and candy seem to be inseparable from the beginning of a romantic relationship. But even then in pairs there is an exchange of signs of attention.

“I respect you”

Such messages are usually addressed to colleagues, subordinates. Children send them to their parents expressing gratitude.

“I think I’m in charge”

This is an insidious type of gift that has two options. Or a very expensive present, demonstrating the superiority of the giver over the recipient, so that it becomes embarrassing. Or a thing that the donor considers necessary, despite the fact that the other party does not share this point of view. Thus, the first interferes with the personal space of the second.

Often these are household appliances, with the help of which the elders teach “unreasonable” children to manage the household. They contain the message “I know better how you live.” Example: in the film “For Family Reasons”, the mother-in-law (the heroine of Galina Polsky) gives her daughter and son-in-law curtains that they do not like.

“I teach you”

Top-down gifts are not only given by older ones to younger ones: for example, a woman receives cellulite cream or underwear from a friend that she considers sexy. The hint is transparent.

“I want to close the distance”

Clients often give the therapist food or jewelry. “The therapist puts something into the client – ​​experience, empathy, understanding. He is in the position of a knower, that is, higher. And unconsciously the client wants to equalize, change the disposition, put something inside the therapist. The easiest way to do this is with food, ”explains Anastasia Preobrazhenskaya.

“I neglect you”

The message is transmitted along with the donated item. “It doesn’t suit me, I wait for a reason and pass off someone else’s gift as my own.” But do not confuse such moments with the desire to give an unnecessary, but useful thing to someone who needs it.

“I don’t care about you”

This is evidenced by a formal gift, for example, the same thing every year or the same gifts to all relatives or colleagues.

“Remember me”

“A friend gave me a glass before leaving for another country, I didn’t need it – I have a closet full of them, but when I see it, I think of her,” recalls 32-year-old Ella.

“Forgive me”

This happens only in close relationships, more often in a couple: one of the two feels guilty and gives a gift as atonement. “When my husband buys me jewelry, I get anxious,” admits 38-year-old Galina. “Usually that means he’s infatuated with someone on the side.”

Power and distance

“I have to donate a significant amount for the manager twice a year: on New Year’s Eve and on his birthday,” says 27-year-old manager Gennady, “although he hardly needs all these writing instruments and cups that we buy. I can’t refuse, because everyone is giving up. In my opinion, this is some kind of nonsense!

But the meaning is still there. “Gifts speak of relationships,” explains Anastasia Preobrazhenskaya. “Including about relations of power: subordinates recognize the authority of the boss, and also try to appease him, as in ancient times – higher powers.” Since the gift here has a symbolic meaning, its price is more important than its benefit. And behind the demand for an expensive offering from colleagues or a spouse, there is an attempt to achieve recognition of their power.

Gifts also affect interpersonal distance

“Everything that evokes emotions is always about intimacy,” continues Anastasia Preobrazhenskaya. “Giving another something made with our own hands, we broadcast that we spent the most precious thing – time. And if we want to move away, then we will hand over something formal. Not only action is important, but also inaction: if someone forgets or refuses to give us a gift, this is an indication of a desire to move away.

An envelope with money will also tell us about the increase in distance. And if it is natural to receive it from colleagues, because in the office we do not build close relationships, then not everyone likes to accept banknotes from relatives. Although there are exceptions here too. “When asked what to give me, I answer: an envelope,” says 48-year-old Alena, “so there are fewer problems for everyone. But I’m always glad when my friends bring nice little things from their trips. Many people know that I collect bells and am delighted with unusual items. I myself always ask a person if I plan a large enough gift. But I also prefer to give money.”

Proximity sign

Not everyone wants to close the distance. “I don’t like gifts, I always feel that it imposes a ton of obligations on me,” says 32-year-old Karina. Perhaps behind this attitude lies the inability to keep one’s boundaries.

“Those who are prone to merging in relationships, to dissolving in another, can avoid rapprochement so as not to lose themselves, and act on the principle: I don’t want close relationships, I’d rather be always alone,” explains Anastasia Preobrazhenskaya. Such fighters for their independence perceive the gift as an attempt to invade personal space.

Ideally, the value of gifts does not depend on their value and occasion. “In marital therapy, every relationship is treated like a job. Good relationships do not arise by themselves, you need to invest in them, – Anastasia Preobrazhenskaya is convinced. “Gifts are one way to strengthen them, to make them more mature, positive, healthy.”

Pleasant surprises without waiting for round dates express sincere love, affection, respect. In happy couples, a gift for no reason is a common attribute. But at important moments and dates, a well-chosen present will speak about feelings more eloquently than grandiloquent words.

“When we exchange New Year gifts, we reaffirm our connection with each other, recognizing the value and importance of the other in our lives and hoping that this connection will continue in the future, in the coming year,” Elina Bozhenko sums up. This is sort of an annual confirmation that our contract of communication and intimacy is still in place.