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The happiness of living in “not knowing”: what if the uncertainty weren’t so bad?
Psychology
The expert in emotional intelligence Zeneida Bernabé proposes a technique to seek happiness within ourselves and not in external aspects
Life feels especially uncertain after these months rocked by this global pandemic. It seems that we are collectively moving towards a “new world” without a mapped path and without knowing what is going to happen, with the only certainty that changes, confusion and uncertainty are coming. But what if these times of uncertainty were the ideal setting to live more fully and happily?
The human brain is designed for supervivencia. Without realizing it, we live in a kind of “constant alarm” that focuses on what we lack, on the possible dangers that may occur and that overlooks the resources that we do have and the possibilities present in a situation. That is, the way we perceive ourselves, perceive others and reality is tinged with a negative bias what generates us Stress y fear and it takes us away from happiness.
That constant alertness pushes us to seek the control in all aspects: from material things and work to personal relationships or social recognition. In fact, scientific studies affirm that when we feel “in a situation of control”, so-called positive emotions emerge linked to the happiness and that’s when we say that “everything is fine.” If in the midst of this illusion of control or security a small unforeseen event arises, a mishap, a setback, we reject what happens, we think that this “should not be happening” and, somehow, we feel in danger and appear difficult emotions, such as stress, fear, or anger.
Given this, it is understandable that the uncertainty, what is beyond our control, causes us a feeling of impotence and of being a victim of circumstances, and ultimately, the unhappiness.
When we experience what unpredictable, as something we do not want, we suffer. For this reason, it is logical that we dedicate a large part of our time, energy and focus to trying to control the external, with the “illusion” of anticipating what is going to happen and thus protecting ourselves from it. suffering. However, the external, as the Stoic philosophers (305 BC) already said, does not give happiness. Therefore, we must make sure that our happiness depends as little as possible on external circumstances. On the contrary, there only has to be a fragile connection with what happens to us and the level of our happiness. This is possible if we focus on our inner world, in what we can control and it is also the source of our happiness.
Then we can count on the only thing that can always be there, the only possible certainty: that of count on yourself. This means staying in our “center” and that, when we are in the midst of chaos, shipwreck or in the eye of the hurricane, we can count on the calm and stillness of mind to observe us, perceive what we feel and act from mental clarity making the best use of our resources.
Being happy, therefore, consists of the ability to sustain ourselves emotionally to go through the changes that occur and that we are capable during this “process” of giving ourselves what we need to live with acceptance y inner peace every moment.
Here are some of the things you can do to emotionally self-manage in times of uncertainty:
1. Be your own observer
The goal is to keep your observation, your attention connected to your life, moment by moment, moment by moment. To do this, calm down and listen to what is happening inside you and what you are saying to yourself. What you say to yourself are thoughts. If you can observe your thoughts, then you are not what you think. Your thoughts generate emotions and these condition how you act. Observing your thoughts helps you generate distance between yourself and what happens by decreasing the emotional reaction.
2. Live accepting
Ask yourself if you can positively change what is happening in that moment. If the answer to that question is “yes,” then go ahead and do it. If the answer is “no” then ask yourself if you can accept that situation and you can go through that situation with inner peace.
3. Experiences that it is something “chosen”
Go beyond acceptance and experience this situation as if you have chosen it. To do this, ask yourself what positive benefits it can bring you, what benefits you get and what you can learn from it. Describe how this situation can help you improve different aspects of your life and find meaning in what is happening.
4. Connect with the sense of improvement
Align yourself for it with your best version, with the highest of you. This does not have to do with worrying, but with being in the “here and now” bearing in mind the values and commitments that sustain your way of being. You may wonder what is the best thing you can do for yourself to emerge stronger from the situation.
5. Question thoughts
The thoughts that fight against what is happening (“this should not happen”), that warn of a non-existent danger (“something terrible is going to happen”) or that do not have to be true, condition the way you feel and act. You can question them and free yourself from them with Byron Katie’s “The Work” method.
6. Be aware of your needs
Listen to yourself, give yourself time, understand yourself. Ask yourself what you need at all times and what is the best way to give yourself what you need.
The illusion of “living in safety” leads us to the hell of wanting to control the external. Accepting (once and for all) that we live in “not knowing” is the push we need to seek happiness within ourselves. In some way, uncertainty invites us to take responsibility for what does give us happiness: the certainty of being there for us.
Article written by Zeneida Bernabé, expert in suffering management, emotional intelligence, meditation, mindfulness and coaching.