Contents
Guilty of working
” Not enough ”
Running out of time for your little one, not giving him enough tenderness, attention, time to play, to prepare good purees for him, to stay with him when he is sick … Working mothers often express the same feelings. Namely, they are guilty.
Feeling of abandonment?
“Mothers are faced with the anguish of separation, explains Sylviane Giampino, psychoanalyst and early childhood psychologist *. They worry about the ability of others to care for their child. The return to work is all the more difficult and the guilt aggravated, when the type of care does not correspond to the parents’ choice. “
As Alexandra, mother of a little girl, testifies: “I had the chance to look after my baby for 5 and a half months. Before resuming my work, we had made two trials with the nanny, during the days when she had no other children in care. It was going very well. But, on D-day, there were 2 little boys (twins). But my daughter is not used to noise. After 10 minutes, they were already bickering! I left for work feeling like I was abandoning it. I was sick of it all day. I feel like telling her that my work matters more than she does when I leave her early… ”
Like Iman, others fear the opposite effect: being “abandoned” by their little one. “The nanny takes care of my baby very well, so much so that Zyad loves his nanny very much. I feel guilty, to the point of thinking that he has more affection for her than for me, his mother. “
A feminine specificity
luck of “TCA (added guilt tax) to be paid on access to maternity”, according to psychologist Sylviane Giampino, feelings of guilt are common among mothers! Its origin: pregnancy, fusion, where the mother experienced that she was vital for her child. She has found herself in a position of increased responsibility and is therefore at the forefront of guilt.
* Author de Are working mothers to blame ? Editions Albin Michel
Understand your feelings of guilt
Unconscious mechanism
“Guilt always comes forward in disguise,” explains Sylviane Giampino, early childhood psychologist.
The manifestations are varied:
– fear for the child;
– somatization (weight gain, migraines, back problems, etc.);
– depressed state ;
– professional disinvestment: employment is experienced as that which tears the mother away from her child;
– love divestment. “Torque is often the first fuse to blow. “
End his guilt
Despite the hypersensitivity linked to pregnancy, the young mother can feel guilty as soon as she understands that the health, balance, well-being and education of her baby does not come under her sole “power”.
“The development of the child depends above all on the sharing of responsibilities within the couple and with society”, explains the specialist. Clearly, parents should be able to choose how to care for their toddler and working conditions should be more flexible …
Working woman or housewife?
The status of stay-at-home mom is very tempting, “But between maternity and work, French women do not want to choose”, according to psychologist Sylviane Giampino. And for good reason, a second salary is often essential: women work because it is an obligation.
As for those who have invested a lot in their profession, working is important for their balance alongside their family. As a result, around 81% of mothers with a child under 3 (living as a couple) work. They are only 37,7% when they have three or more children, at least one of whom is under the age of 3 *.
Let your decision mature
Beware of hasty decision-making! The end of maternity leave is not the right time to make a long-term decision. “The birth of a baby and the relationship with this newborn activate very intense emotions which are not conducive to making decisions with the right hindsight”, explains the specialist. However, nothing prevents taking ephemeral and reversible decisions (such as parental leave, etc.)
Downside
Over 85% of stay-at-home moms ** say they are satisfied with their status, but half fear isolation. Yes, happiness is not always what you expected … “I am delighted to take care of my children full time. But between shopping, cleaning and toddlers, I feel like I do nothing with my days on an intellectual level. In the evening, I am empty and when I see friends, I have nothing to say! When the twins and their little sister are old enough to go to school, I hope to be able to find work again, ”says Elisabeth, mother of 3 children aged 2 years and 6 months.
Anyway, the decision must be taken together!
* Insee study “Regards sur la parité” (February 2008)
** TNS-Sofres study (February 2007)