What to do when a woman finds fault with hell and takes out the brain? Some people don’t have this problem, but some people have to live with it.
Received a letter from a reader. I thought, and decided to answer with a note — suddenly not only this reader is interested. I am quoting the letter with permission and not everything — I ruthlessly cut out the moments by which a person can be identified. I did not correct anything in the above passage, the spelling and punctuation are copyrighted.
In general, the situation is quite typical, many recognize themselves and their loved ones.
Her: You don’t like it when I ask you to do
Me not.
Her: why are you doing it?
Me: how do you know why? we are connected! I don’t have to like it, but I will.
Her: I don’t need a favor!! with such a face!!! with such silence
I: I don’t understand — do you need to do it or that the mug was festive?
She: if you don’t like it, don’t!
Me: ok, I won’t.
Her: Why are you doing this?!?!?! (Screams, tears…)
and so on. Really, presenting for the face with which I do something. And for what reason this face is not even interesting. In general, I am in my thoughts, which have nothing to do with the request ….
I CAN’T DO ANYTHING WITH MY FACE. YES. I READ EVERYTHING. WELL, I DONT KNOW TO PRETEND AND Wishful thinking.
Is this a diagnosis? Really, will my family life fail? Well, this is me, in your opinion … I mean without simulation
I can’t understand one thing — why is the person who asks for more and pronounces for “mug” ?? Not even for the face, but for the fact that I do not talk. Like, my silence is like I was offended. I can’t explain to her that I’m not from their company of women, that my silence and resentment are not identical. How many books I read about men for women, I slipped her a few. After all, it’s just all laid out there …. »
First, general considerations. A common situation is described, of which there are thousands. At the same time, I note that the man is well done, he is ready to do anything for his woman. A woman is smart, able to ask. I’m telling you — there are a lot of such couples (yes, yes, and I don’t need about lazy men; «a lot» does not mean «all»). That is, the chances for family success for these two are not the smallest.
Before answering the reader’s questions, I will ask my own (albeit a little rhetorical).
How is it that she has to beg?
As for me, a loving person carefully looks at how to help a loved one. Prepared, say, a woman, dinner, and the man took and washed the dishes — the woman does not even need to ask. Rubbish accumulated, the man threw it away — the woman does not need to ask. For a long time there was no woman with her mother — the man offered to go (and it is not necessary to hang around with the mother-in-law all the time, you can stay fifteen minutes at the beginning and at the end — and the rest of the time go about your business or sleep in the car; I know such cases).
In general, whatever one may say, I first of all think that a loving person is an attentive person. I think my position is very clear here.
Now to the questions of writing.
Why does a woman pronounce «for the face»?
Here the wisdom inherent in women is manifested (I hear, I hear how patterns crackle — the bloody chauvinist Zygmantovich writes well about women). Where do women get this wisdom from? I sin on the presence of two X chromosomes, but I admit that the matter is different. It doesn’t matter.
Why am I talking about wisdom — the woman from the letter knows (intuitively) what is noticeable to the naked eye, but has not yet been experimentally proven in laboratories (at least a cursory search did not help me). Namely: an action performed with a certain mood is memorized not only at the level of behavior, but also at the level of an affective reaction (see the law of parallel reinforcement).
Simply put, if a man trudges to wash the dishes with a dull expression on his face, then he learns to wash the dishes with a dull expression on his face. This is strategically wrong. What kind of love is this, what kind of relationship is this, if the lover takes care of the beloved with a sad expression on his face? You really don’t want that kind of concern.
Here is a woman, in her inescapable wisdom (how are your templates?) And achieves a joyful face. She wants to live with a man who takes care of her joyfully, with the feeling of «I’m doing you good.» But he does not want to live with a person “so be it, I will do it and get rid of it”. Because he understands that such a married life has few prospects (he answered the second question from the letter).
How can I make a happy face?
Strictly speaking, there was no such question, but the author, firstly, can ask it after reading the answers to previous questions. Secondly, from the sentence “Well, I can’t pretend and wishful thinking”, I think this question follows directly.
You don’t have to pretend. I have to sit down and think — am I doing “something like that that I really don’t like”? Or do I help the woman I love? You can remember the period of courtship. There, the request “dear, please wash the dishes” was fulfilled for one or two, and the muzzle was joyful. Because the focus of attention was right (and oxytocin helped). And now the focus has shifted to something else and helping a beloved woman does not cause joy.
No need to pretend, you need to sit down and remember that this is the woman you love, that when I do “something like that that I really don’t like”, I make life easier for the woman I love. Making life easier for the woman you love and finally bringing in this damned Christmas tree — isn’t that a reason to rejoice?
Anticipating the objections of men … If your woman is smart, then she will not sit on your neck, dangling her legs, while you happily do everything for her. A smart woman will make your life easier. No wonder this woman is smart. Considering that there are more smart women than stupid ones (patterns crack, right?), you personally, most likely, are not in danger of meeting with a dependent-kept woman. Unless, you choose this for yourself and will exchange your money and care for her beauty and body. But this is a completely different conversation, not for this article.
So, I will repeat. You don’t have to pretend. We should rejoice, because by facilitating the life of a loved one, we ultimately make him happier. I think this is a great reason to rejoice.
Why doesn’t she understand that I’m not from their company of women, that my silence and resentment are not identical?
It’s not about the woman’s mouth. Sticking together resentment and silence is not a specific female trait. This is the result of upbringing.
Alas, many parents punish their children with silence and, if we look at the situation carefully, with rejection. That is, the parent is not just silent — he does not pay attention to the child, deprives him of hugs and touches, completely ignores him. For a child, of course, this is an unpleasant situation (I put it so gently).
If such behavior of the parent was not an isolated case, but a daily practice, then the child is not at all able to distinguish between detachment (“I need to be alone and think”) and rejection (“I don’t want to see you”). I emphasize — it is not possible at all. Generally.
When such a child grows up, he remains with a clear scheme: the person is silent with a gloomy look — it means that I was guilty of something — that means they will ignore me. It is so unbearable and painful that a person loses all control over himself and begins to fall into hysterics. Or (second option) into depression. In any case, the outcome is far from positive.
Most importantly, this is not corrected by books. This is corrected only by a patient explanation and appropriate behavior (well, the face should still be made joyful, see above).
I will repeat for confirmation. Yes, a woman is used to the fact that silence equals rejection. Apparently, it was accepted in her family, she got used to it and cannot be retrained. Well, that is, she will be retrained, but not immediately.