Contents
No matter how we treat our mothers, their feelings, behavior and attitude to the world shape us and determine our whole life. How does a mother’s behavior affect a child’s future? And can this legacy be well managed? Opinion of the family psychotherapist.
Whether we are close to our mother or prefer to keep our distance, lost her a few years ago or moved to another country – in any case, her lifestyle and our relationship with her determine almost every aspect of our being. In the way we behave and interact with others, in our attitudes, values and beliefs, in our family and sexual life, the emotional heritage that we received from our mother is reflected.
Much has been written about how attachment is formed between mother and child in the first months and years of life. Thanks to Sigmund Freud and especially John Bowlby, we know that a child’s well-being is based above all on a healthy, secure attachment to the mother. Less attention is paid to how these relationships develop later, in childhood and adolescence, how this attachment shapes the lifestyle and behavior of an adult.
American clinical psychologist and experienced family therapist Stephen Poulter notes: “The most important thing is to recognize that this influence exists. And it can only be negative if it remains unidentified, rejected or misunderstood. When you realize how multifaceted this impact is and learn to manage it, the “mother factor” becomes a positive force that changes your life for the better.”
Stephen Poulter defines five styles of motherhood: “perfectionist”, “unpredictable”, “best friend”, “selfish” and “ideal”.
1. Perfectionist
As a rule, this is an excessively controlling, fearful and anxious woman, for whom the main thing is the external side of life: she needs to make an impression, maintain an image. Her children tend to criticize themselves and engage in self-discipline, they feel their failure and emotional emptiness.
If you are her child…
Your strengths: You are most likely a person who is very responsible in your relationships, you can rely on everything. You appreciate perseverance and diligence, these are the most important qualities of character for you.
Emotional legacy: You always think that other people’s opinions are more important than your own. You live with the feeling that the whole world is watching you and ready to judge you.
2. Unpredictable mother
Restless, irritable, overly emotional, she is not able to control feelings, and her changeable mood determines her parental style. She herself creates problems and crises in her head, and then broadcasts this excited state to her children.
If you are her child…
Your strengths: You have a well-developed empathy, you work well with people. You are always ready to support your work colleagues, relatives and friends.
Emotional legacy: Growing up with an ingrained need to care for people and their mental problems, you can also be overly irritable and prone to depression at the same time. You learn to read people and situations from an early age, and this helps you deal with other people’s outbursts of anger or indignation.
3. Best friend
She communicates with the child on an equal footing, unconsciously wanting to avoid responsibility for him. Instead of an adult capable of caring and protecting, the child is offered a soulmate, partner, interlocutor, but at the same time he is actually deprived of his mother. Her emotional needs are so great and all-consuming that she herself has to rely on the child to satisfy them.
If you are her child…
Your strengths: You understand the importance of boundaries between parents, children, friends and relatives. You are often aware that you are taking the lead in your relationship and assuming a responsible adult role.
Emotional legacy: You may feel neglected and neglected and fear rejection. Other feelings familiar to such a child are resentment, indignation, the feeling that he is not loved and underestimated.
4. “I’m first”
One of the most common styles of motherhood. Such a woman is not able to see a separate individuality in a child, she is self-centered and not self-confident. Her offspring from an early age are accustomed to illuminate her life and at the same time remain in the shadows.
If you are her child…
Your strengths: You have a real talent for supporting others, you feel good and understand people in all types of relationships. You are loyal and sympathetic, able to take other people’s needs to heart and solve other people’s problems.
Emotional legacy: You doubt your ability to make decisions. You find it difficult to trust your own feelings in any situation, because your mother’s opinion has always been more important and meaningful to you.
5. The perfect mother
Surprisingly, such mothers exist. But they, according to Stephen Poulter’s book, are very few – about 10%. The Perfect Mother combines the best features of the other four styles. She is emotionally balanced, she sees unique personalities in her children and helps them grow up to be independent people. She is imperfect, but whatever her life circumstances, she cares for children consciously and with great desire.
If you are her child…
Your strengths: Feeling the love and acceptance of your mother, you are ready for risky decisions and changes in life without fear of being misunderstood and rejected.
Emotional legacy: You are able to accept and respect someone else’s point of view. You are emotionally autonomous from your mother and able to cope with the challenges of an independent life.
How to rewrite the rule book
Stephen Poulter emphasizes that our mothers most often have not one particular style, but at least two. But one of them still dominates.
It is important to look at this motherly style in a detached way, without criticism and indignation. Only in this way, from the position of an adult, and not a child, can one understand the true role of the mother and her influence on you. An adult approach implies both our willingness to share responsibility for relationships, and the realization that they are not fixed once and for all.
The parent-child bond is an ongoing dialogue that we are also building. For example, each of us is able to “rewrite” the “book of rules” that he inherited from his mother. The “Book of Rules” is that set of written and unwritten laws that cover key aspects of life – choosing a profession, relationships with money, raising children, spirituality and sexuality. To change these rules, you need to understand how they affect your relationships and problems.
A rule, for example, might sound like this: “It is indecent for a girl to call a boy first.” The subtext of this taboo reads: “Never marry a man you love more than he loves you. Let your husband love you: this way you will be in a more advantageous position. Ultimately, the message that the daughter absorbs may turn out to be even deeper and more dramatic: do not fall deeply in love and expect equally strong love in return.
By focusing on painful moments, we can determine which “chapters” from the mother’s “rule book” have absorbed especially well.
How can this “rule book” be rewritten? First of all, consider scenarios in which we notice that we think, speak and act like our mother. “When I feel anxiety or insecurity, I immediately hear my mother’s pessimistic voice,” admits 36-year-old Natalia. And her grouchy intonation: “I knew, I knew that I shouldn’t buy this / come here / agree to this adventure. And why did we do it? What were we even thinking about?”
By focusing on painful moments, we can determine which particular “chapters” from the mother’s “rule book” we absorbed especially well. It will be useful for someone to describe in detail in the diary those situations in which the reactions suddenly begin to repeat the mother’s, and then analyze what these scenarios have in common.
“I noticed that I hear my mother’s voice at those moments when I’m worried about some important event in the future or at work, or when I’m going to spend a large amount of money – in general, when I feel that I can’t control the situation,” says Natalya. Once you have identified the key circumstances, you can look for ways to respond to them differently, to find arguments in favor of the opposite point of view.
But this work will make sense only in one case: if we are ready to perceive our mother not as an all-powerful and overwhelming being. And not as perfection itself, inaccessible to criticism. But as a whole person, with all its advantages and disadvantages. Then, having discovered its strengths and weaknesses, to fully realize their own capabilities and resources in this ongoing dialogue.
About the Expert: Stephen Poulter is a clinical psychologist and family therapist who has authored several books, including The Father Factor: How Your Father’s Legacy Affects Your Career and The Mother Factor: How Your Mother’s Emotional Legacy Affects Your Life (both Prometheus Books , 2006, 2008).