The first morning is not always radiant

Psychologies: What is the “moment of truth” of the first morning?

Jean-Claude Kaufmann: When the emotional outbursts subsided and the excitement subsided, we begin to discover the other person, to recognize him without embellishment and pretense. This is an extremely favorable moment in order to look around and see the situation more accurately. At this time, one part of a person experiences the event that happened, not really asking questions, but the other notices and stores in memory all the details that will be decisive for the continuation of the story. Who will get up first? Will we dare to get out of bed naked? What we will talk about? Awkward pauses are filled with banal words or kisses…

All our five senses are alert. Consciousness scans and weighs pleasant and not so pleasant surprises: “This is pleasant for me, but this is not. I’m used to a full breakfast, and he sips coffee on the go”, “I like simplicity and naturalness, and her bathroom is full of all kinds of cosmetics …” It also happens that the underwear of a partner who was so worried yesterday about how he looks, doesn’t appear to be very fresh.

But doesn’t the first evening spent together tell us more than morning about each other? After all, if it goes badly, there will be no first morning at all!

Of course! But the evening, as a rule, passes as if in a dream: in anticipation of what is to come, we try to match our partner, we want to be on top, to be open, ready to perceive his features … The moment of awakening, on the contrary, returns us to ourselves. A new identification takes place when we relate ourselves to another person, his habits, rhythm, the details of his daily life … Is all this compatible with our “I”? Of course, the upbeat, festive atmosphere of the first evening does not give a chance to find an answer to this question.

You say that one of the most delicate tests is going to the toilet. Why are we so embarrassed about this?

When you wake up, modesty takes over. Just now, the partners felt infinitely close, when there was nothing to hide from each other, and suddenly, in an instant, a look at oneself does not stand up to criticism, while causing a desire to retire.

We return to the reality of our body with all its needs. At this moment, our “I” sharply moves away from the partner, we clearly feel the border of our intimate space. It is much easier for us to go to the toilet if the partner is still sleeping. But if you are both already awake, you have to choose your tactics, resort to tricks and tricks to get out of a difficult situation. Sometimes it turns into a real test. Some choose the most radical option – endure and postpone!

Do we make the decision to continue the relationship with this particular partner on the first morning?

This is indeed a very important moment, which largely determines the future fate of the couple. But we decide this morning only one thing: whether we will call this person again or not. However, this does not determine how exactly our relations will develop in the future.

Today, more and more often, the emergence of new relationships is perceived as a threat to personal independence, so cases when people, having barely met, instantly understand that “this is fate”, belong to the category of very rare. If the first morning turned out to be unpleasant for us, does this mean that a disappointing verdict has been passed on a new relationship?

A delightful first morning is rather exceptional. As a rule, we are seized with anxiety, disturbing thoughts are crowded in our heads, we are afraid of not being liked by our partner, we are afraid of his assessments and even revelations. Often times we just want to run away. However, it also happens that a story, the beginning of which did not inspire us at all (the partner showed himself to be an egoist, turned out to be lethargic in bed or slightly sloppy), despite everything, turns into love.

One example is the story of a girl who ended up in bed with a new acquaintance just for the sake of an affair, so that she had something to chat about with her friend later. However, this “compensating reception” has grown into a real love story, and they have been living together for three years. Love is not entirely determined by some fateful meeting; it is created by the present and directed to the future. Every day brings us new discoveries and surprises. A little love today can become a big love tomorrow.

On the other hand, if already on the first morning you feel that irritation is hanging in the air, this should be a signal for you to immediately retreat! If you allow this feeling to capture the whole space, it will be impossible to overcome it.