The first menstruation. A young girl needs her mother’s support

During adolescence, the girl experiences many changes taking place not only in the body, but also in the sphere of psyche and emotions. Whether it will be a time of good experiences depends on the relationship with your mother. How to support your daughter on her way to the world of women?

1. Many women mention that the first period was a surprise, something unwanted, dirty, associated with fear, shame or disgust.
2. This means that they did not receive support from their mother at that time – explains Agnieszka Górecka, sex educator, expert of the campaign “Let’s talk to mom”
3. – When the girl enters puberty (in Poland, around 8-10 years of age), she already knows how reliable her mother is a source of information about “these matters” and whether she can be trusted by sharing her doubts and secrets – explains Górecka
4. It also suggests that building on your own story, drawing on what has supported and changing what has not served can be the key to establishing closer contact with your child.

It is one of those experiences that has a huge impact on how a woman perceives herself, her body and sexuality in the future. For her future beliefs, what is allowed and appropriate, where are personal limits, how she will exercise the right to take care of her own comfort, well-being and intimate needs. Puberty is a challenging process, both positive and often difficult. A young girl needs supportive relationships with loved ones, especially with her mother. Openness to dialogue, to hearing each other and respecting each other’s needs, sharing knowledge, experience, giving a choice and real physical presence in a teenager’s daily life teaches her to build an empathetic relationship not only with others, but also with herself – with her body and awakening femininity.

Personal guide

Usually it is the mother (when she is present in the child’s life) who introduces the girl to the world of women. With his behavior, what and how he talks about himself and others, how he expresses himself about his body and how he treats it, what he makes a secret about and what he talks about openly, his relationship with other women and men builds the foundation for my daughter’s thinking. .in. on femininity, carnality and sexuality.

So when we consider when to talk to our daughter about maturation, development and psychosexual health, we need to know that learning begins from the moment a child is born. This learning also manifests itself in how a mother cares about the emotional development of a little girl, whether she hugs, touches and kisses her. In how he cares for her and – whether teaching her the names of body parts – he doesn’t ignore her genitals and what words he uses to describe them.

Does he answer her questions about, for example, differences in the build of boys and girls, or where the children come from? How he reacts to the child’s emerging interest in his vagina and touching it. Does he allow the girl to watch herself naked or hide that she is having a period?

So when the girl enters puberty (in Poland, around 8-10 years of age), she already knows to what extent her mother is a reliable source of information about “these matters” and whether she can be trusted by sharing her doubts and secrets. .

If the mother-daughter relationship is positive, built on mutual trust and respect, with openness to dialogue, it can be assumed that the maturation talks will be the next stage and the result of naturally occurring changes. What if the mother realizes that her relationship with her daughter has not been going well so far? Psychologists agree that every moment for a change in the relationship for a better one, for small steps to build relationships and trust, is appropriate, also in this area.

ARTICLE FROM NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE CHILD’S PSYCHOLOGY 2/2020

It’s like learning to walk

From the statements of young women and girls about their personal experiences related to preparing for the changes in puberty and the first menstruation, posted on social profiles devoted to the body, sexuality or menstruation, it can be concluded that most of them did not receive the necessary information and support from their mothers in this regard. They write that the first period was a surprise, something unwanted, dirty, associated with fear, shame, embarrassment or disgust. That the changing body, shape of the figure, growing breasts were the cause of the complexes. So what is the role of a mother to be? What should she do and how to talk about puberty and menstruation so that it is good and supportive for her daughter?

What if my daughter was prepared for puberty as well as for the next skills she had learned from birth – sitting, walking or speaking? This teaching required openness, commitment and patience from the mother. Train through play, arousing curiosity, answering questions and using everyday situations to develop cognitive skills.

The same may be true for adolescence. If mom does not hide sanitary pads and tampons from her daughter, and at home, she talks about menstruation without embarrassment, if she answers her daughter’s questions and doubts, offers her interesting books and articles to read, starts a conversation referring to commercials or threads about puberty displayed on TV and When sex changes appear in movies, the theme is naturally present in the daily life of the family.

Getting familiar with the topic together

In many cases, however, it is completely different. Why? Most often because the mothers of girls who are on the threshold of puberty do not have good role models and experiences themselves. Their mothers also did not have open, supportive talks with them. So how are they to know how to do it? What language to use, how to deal with your own embarrassment and how to talk about menstruation well, if they don’t like it themselves.

In such situations, it may be helpful for mum to return to the memories and experiences of her own teenage age and ask herself a few questions:

1. How did I feel and what did I need most when I was puberty and had my first period?
2. what did I need to hear from my mother then? How did I want her to behave towards me?
3. How, in retrospect, I would like my mother to prepare me for the first menstruation (what did she say, did, showed?).

Relying on your own story, drawing on what has supported, and changing what has not served can be the key to establishing closer contact with your child.

A mother who wants to talk to her daughter about sexuality, menstruation, sexual initiation or safer sex should not – just because she does not feel like an expert in this matter – have doubts whether it is worth engaging in such a conversation. In this case, it is definitely more important to build relationships and trust in the relationship than to be expert, because knowledge can always be supplemented. For example, together with your child, search for information on issues of interest to you on the Internet, in articles or books. An excellent source is the website www.porozmawmymamo.pl, where you can find many useful tips on how to talk to your daughter about puberty, as well as reliable, accessible knowledge, e.g. on the menstrual cycle, menses and ovulation. It is also worth using the support of other women – friends, colleagues, sisters, cousins, mothers active on forums or internet portals. Talking to another woman can help you familiarize yourself with the topic, but also find new, creative ways to feel more confident about the topic.

Perimenstrual helper for mother and daughter

Menstruation involves many physiological processes and requires a lot of energy from the body, so YES! It’s okay that in connection with the menstruation you will take care of yourself, rest, do something you like and teach your daughter the same:

1. give up physically strenuous activities, at this time your body needs rest;
2. slow down, stress increases the level of hormones responsible for uterine contractions, so limit stressful activities and multitasking as much as possible;
3. postpone serious conversations and engaging, emotionally intense matters for another day;
4. allow yourself to experience emotions, even those you don’t like. Living in harmony with yourself also means giving yourself permission to feel sad, sorry, angry or impotent, taking care not to hurt other people and yourself;
5. rest: walk, lie down, sleep, take a bath, do relaxing, gentle exercises in the pelvic area;
6. drink water, eat warm, healthy, easily digestible meals rich in vegetables, avoid highly processed foods, lots of sugar and carbonated drinks (not only during menstruation);
7. a warm hot water bottle or herbal poultice on the abdomen helps to relax;
8. dress comfortably, comfort is the key;
9. take care of the selection of hygiene products tailored to your needs (you can choose from disposable pads and tampons, but also menstrual cups, fabric pads);
10. if you need to, consult your doctor with painkillers and / or relaxants;
11. breathe – shallow, muffled and fast breathing weakens the vitality of the body, generates tension in the body, cuts off from experiencing emotions. Working with the breath, practicing mindfulness on the breath supports the achievement of a state of relaxation, a sense of balance, regeneration, and better coping with difficult emotions and pain.

Find a moment for yourself. Sit back, listen to your breath, notice how you breathe in and out. How deep is your breath? Where in your body do you feel it most intensely? Don’t change anything, breathe naturally and just watch carefully. Knowing breathing techniques does not matter, what counts is the willingness and willingness to pay attention to yourself.

If mom does not hide sanitary pads from her daughter, talks about menstruation without embarrassment, if she answers her daughter’s questions and doubts, offers her interesting books and articles to read, then the topic is naturally present in the family’s everyday life.

About the author:

Agnieszka Górecka, expert of the “Let’s talk mum” campaign (www.porozmawimymamo.pl). Vice-president of the Social Education Foundation, pedagogue, sex educator for over 15 years working with youth, parents and teachers, TSR therapist, breath coach of the CUUD breath method, trainer of development workshops. www.bliskosiebie.pl

Read also:

1. My period is late. Is it because of the coronavirus and quarantine?
2. Amenorrhea – Is It Always A Sign of Pregnancy?
3. The date of the first menstruation is genetically determined