The first days after the loss: how to deal with pain

We must go through a painful series of “first” events: the first dinner without a loved one, the first night after the abuse committed against us, our first look in the mirror after what changed the course of our lives. This endless series of “firsts” can go on for weeks or months: our first trip to the store without buying your wife’s or husband’s favorite treats, our first Christmas without our parents…

The depth of our despair may exceed the depth of suffering of people struggling with the worst form of clinical depression.

However, grief is a natural psychological response to extraordinary circumstances. No matter how severe the pain may be at the beginning, it almost always gets better with time. When we begin to accept the reality of our loss or injury, the suffering subsides, albeit very slowly. But if you feel that you are unable to pick up the pieces of your life and you are visited by thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, I strongly recommend that you immediately contact a psychologist.

Pass the tests

• What kind of psychologist are you for your loved ones?

Loss and trauma are an integral part of life, but it is always the hardest emotional experience. They destroy the order and harmony that reigns in our lives and can distort our perception of ourselves.

Tragic events often threaten our understanding of the world and our place in it. We cease to understand the meaning of what is happening and lose the ability to integrate it into our system of values ​​and beliefs.

Many of us find it difficult to continue to connect with people we used to like, or to do our favorite work. Some even think that returning to normal life means betraying those they have lost, or making sense of the suffering they endured.

Ease the suffering

Time is the most important factor in our recovery. Acute pain and adaptation period usually last no more than 6 months, although, of course, their duration depends on the nature of the loss.

In the most difficult moments, you need to remember that the current shock and numbness will not last forever. But if time passes, and suffering does not decrease, a tragic event can completely engulf us. The unique features of our personality can be lost so that we can no longer see them. Sadness, pain, and regret about the past risk overshadowing everything that used to make sense to us.

We must return the “bones” of our psyche to its former position – to collect the parts of our life into a well-organized and properly functioning whole.

Yes, there is shock and post-traumatic syndrome, but there is another phenomenon – it is called post-traumatic growth.m. We must give our life a new meaning.

In many cases, the experience of loss or trauma requires us to take a fresh look at our own personality. Perhaps someone saw themselves primarily as a partner, but lost a life partner, or was (like one of my patients left without legs after an accident) an athlete, or, finally, lived for the sake of children who are not with us.

In each of these situations, we need time to figure out who we are, to find the things that matter to us, and to bring to light aspects of our personality that have been buried under an avalanche of sadness. All this must be done when the acute pain subsides.

Read more:

• “Those who have lost their foothold come to guess”

Speak out, cry out or remain silent

One of my patients was buried under skyscrapers on 11/XNUMX, and some lost close friends or family members. AND although some patients openly discussed their losses and traumas in psychotherapy sessions, others – usually the most affected – decided to refrain from such conversations. Both did the right thing.

Many people think that discussing traumatic events after they have happened is absolutely necessary to prevent psychological complications, but this is not the case. For example, a technique called “critical incident stress debriefing” is used by both the military and the US Federal Emergency Management Agency. It requires survivors of traumatic events to discuss them in detail—the sooner the better. It is based on the notion that reporting an incident and expressing the emotions associated with it minimizes the risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder. But for some, this can only more strongly fix the traumatic events in memory in all their details.

Read more:

• Allowing Yourself to Grieve: 7 Steps

Today, most experts agree that there is no one right way to deal with the consequences of loss and injury.

Each of us should behave as dictated by the characteristics of our personality, character traits and worldview.

If you feel like talking, find someone who will listen to you.

If you prefer not to share your thoughts and feelings, don’t force yourself. The traces of terrorist attacks remained on the streets of Manhattan for many months: the ruins of buildings, the stench of smoldering materials, photographs of the dead and missing, hung on walls and stops. One of my patients went out of his way to avoid these reminders by burying his nose in a magazine while riding the subway and telling at work that the subject should not be discussed in his presence. He did exactly the right thing: we should always tell the people around us if we want to talk about such topics. So we help them choose the best course of action.

People who, on the contrary, feel the need to talk, thus also adapt to the reality of loss or trauma, only in their own way.

Many religious mourning rituals are performed for this very purpose. They put our grief into words and give vent to the tears that need to be shed.

When social support is lacking, we may express our emotions in writing or write letters to the people we have lost. The expression of thoughts and feelings that we could not, did not have time to share with the deceased during life, can give us consolation. There is no need to talk to anyone else. No matter how we choose to alleviate our emotional pain caused by loss or trauma, Remember, the best medicine available to everyone without exception is time. You will pass this wayb.

Is it possible to find meaning in tragedy

One of the strongest human needs is to make sense of everything that happens. Each of us has our own picture of the world (even if we ourselves do not realize it), through which we filter most of our experience. Our beliefs and ideas about the world guide our actions and decisions, giving meaning to everything that surrounds us.

One person thinks that everything happens according to the will of God, another repeats all the time: “What you sow, you will reap,” and the third believes that there is a reason for everything or, conversely, that life is a series of accidents. Some believe the world is fair, while others are convinced of the opposite. Someone calls life predictable, while their opponents insist on the absence of any patterns.

But no matter how we perceive what is happening, loss and trauma can cast doubt on our picture of the world, which will make us suffer even more. Trying to make sense of what happened to us often only reinforces the initial shock. Such “crises of faith” are very common. We are tormented by questions and doubts, and we go in search of answers.

Read more:

• Convince yourself that everything is fine?

A strong need for reflection sometimes makes us endlessly think about what happened, why it happened and what could prevent it. We can analyze each of the thousands of small decisions and aspects of the situation, the change of which could save us from pain.

Another type of intrusive thought that visits us for some time after a tragic event is fantasies about alternative outcomes. “What if the person who died in the accident had taken a different road?” “What if the perpetrator had chosen a different victim?” It may seem to some that such thoughts only convince us of the random nature of what happened, which only complicates its acceptance. But research says otherwise. My many years of experience have shown that if you ask a patient the question “Could things have turned out even worse? How?”, he can quickly come to terms with what happenedb.

be able to let go

“I miss him…really! I still talk to him every day: when I get home from work and when I wake up in the morning. I know this sounds crazy to you, but I continue to cook his favorite dish. Once a week. It gives me comfort and makes me feel less lonely.”

Many of us react to bereavement by withdrawing into ourselves and obsessing over the deceased person: mentally talking with him and imagining how he would react to this or that situation. However, this stage usually does not last very long. Over time, we begin to let go of the deceased person and move on, reconnecting with people and returning to the activities that were part of our lives before the tragedy. But some of us continue to draw in our imagination the image of the deceased, constantly remembering him and directing our emotional resources to something that, alas, no longer exists.

It also happens differently. Many of us avoid people, places, and activities that remind us of a person who has passed away or a traumatic experience for several weeks or even months. If this avoidance lasts longer, it becomes a problem, taking away from us what we value most.

My patient Maxina, after the death of her husband, moved away from people and forgot about the activities that determined her individuality, which means she lost touch with an important part of herself. The rejection of so many important roles and relationships changed her perception of herself.

She did nothing to make up for this loss: she did not find new interests, she did not make new friends. The hole in her life, left by the death of her husband, has not diminished in ten years by almost one iota. Many people face a similar problem. Even years after the tragic events, the feeling of emptiness does not leave them.

Helping people who find themselves in the same situation; the memory of those we have lost; continuation of their business; caring for those left behind. Each of my patients found their own meaning, so that after difficult months and even years, a difficult event would take its rightful place in their lives, after which they could move on.

For more information, see G. Winch “Psychological First Aid” (Potpourri, 2014).