The era of change: how to live in it and what to rely on

Fatigue with constant change and the anxiety associated with it seems to have accumulated in many.

“I had a hard time getting used to remote work, and when I finally got used to it, everyone was urgently returned to the office,” Inna, 34, a purchasing manager, shares her experience. – And again we have to rebuild: noise, everyone is nervous … And when one of my colleagues sneezes, I shudder, because I’m still afraid of getting sick, and from this I am in constant tension. And most importantly, it is not clear what will happen next.

And you can’t argue with that! We, like the heroes of the popular series Stranger Things, find ourselves in a situation that we cannot control. In addition, we have to fight on two fronts: some of our own attitudes and thoughts, like beings from a parallel world, suddenly begin to act not for, but against. And we have to overcome them in order to overcome external difficulties. But first they need to be discovered.

“It’s a conspiracy!”

When we feel bad, one of the frequent reactions is the desire to find someone to blame. For example, secret or not very government organizations are suitable for this role.

“The situation is alarming, we see that life is getting worse, new prohibitions are appearing, the ground is being lost, hence a lot of uncertainty, anxiety about the future,” explains Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko.

Physiologically, anxiety is an excitation that has not found a channel. When there is an obvious threat, we experience fear. But with anxiety, we draw pictures in our imagination, not distinguishing between reality and pictures. This is hard to live with, and we are looking for where to relieve tension, looking for a target.

So it was before: in the Middle Ages, the Jews were blamed for the spread of the plague, there were rumors that the gypsies had poisoned the wells … But if this helps, then maybe this is a good way to get through difficult times?

“This only works for a short time, then anxiety and anger build up and intensify,” says the Gestalt therapist. “And if we direct aggression not at abstract organizations, but at real people, they defend themselves, show aggression in response, and anger escalates.”

The way out is to look for other ways to cope with anxiety, and direct the destructive energy of aggression to overcome real obstacles.

“Give me a better world!”

Sometimes we wish that there was someone who guarantees security, work, stability. And we are indignant if this does not happen.

“It’s like a teenager thinking that parents should provide for his needs, and he has no responsibilities, but he has the right to criticize, refuse to do what he is asked to, and feel betrayed, experience the world as disgusting,” notes Elena Pavlyuchenko. Someone can maintain such a position for life, but it only increases gloom, and does not solve problems.

“At first, the child has the illusion of omnipotence: he wanted to eat, his mother fed him, it was cold – he warmed him up,” says Jungian analyst Stanislav Raevsky. “But later everyone becomes convinced that the possibilities are limited, this is a useful destruction of the illusion. It no longer seems to us that either we ourselves can do everything, or there is someone almighty in heaven who can do it.

It’s hard to accept life as it is. But the unpredictability of life is its characteristic. The neurotic consciousness prefers bad certainty to uncertainty. But if we learn to endure uncertainty, then we will experience every moment as a miracle.

“What do I need this for?”

Blaming others will not solve our problems, but lamenting and looking for our own fault in everything that happens is unproductive.

Natural disasters, natural disasters, wars, famines and epidemics – we do not like all this, but all this has happened in the past and is more likely to happen in the future. Each time humanity tries to find a way out, and there is some hope that each time we succeed a little better, but no one has ready-made recipes.

“Each generation has its own trials, and our lot was not the hardest,” says Stanislav Raevsky. “It was much more difficult for those who survived the war.”

The test is not easy, but it can be endured with dignity. This does not mean that my experiences should be worthless in comparison with the more serious trials that have fallen to the lot of others.

“My anxiety, displeasure are justified, and I need to look at what I am most afraid of and deal with each of my concerns,” Elena Pavlyuchenko recommends.

If I am afraid that I will get sick, I need to ask myself what I can do to reduce this likelihood. If I am afraid that I will lose my job and be left without a livelihood, then I can think about what resources I have, other sources of income, housing options, which of my friends and relatives to find help.

“I don’t care!”

At first glance, the installation of heroism and impenetrability is the very thing that is needed in a difficult situation. But in reality this is not so.

“When it hurts, you want to squeeze, and the pain intensifies,” explains Stanislav Raevsky. – And if we can relax, the pain does not go away, but it becomes weaker. The same principle with anxiety: if we react with rejection, it intensifies. If we acknowledge it and give it a place, it will transform. As long as we confront our experiences, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to change.”

There is another danger: in trying to feel invulnerable, we lose the ability to empathize.

“During the COVID pandemic, we met with an understanding that life is very vulnerable, and with a strong sense of insecurity, and it’s clear that someone wants to build a barricade between themselves and this understanding,” says Olga Dolgopolova, a Gestalt therapist. “But the ability to open up to one’s own feelings is directly related to the ability to understand the feelings of others.

Those who can withstand their vulnerability will thereby maintain their own humanity, the ability to compassion. For a psychologist, feeling vulnerable is a value. So I can differentiate my experiences, be more alive and understand others better, share my vulnerability with them.”

“Do as I do!”

One of the dangerous temptations lies in wait for us when we find – or we think we have found – solutions to problems. Whether we think we’ve discovered a way to stay out of harm’s way, get well, get a job, or raise kids, we sometimes feel like it’s our duty not only to tell others about it, but to make them believe that this is the only way to do it. And the inability to achieve this goal makes you angry.

“By my first education, I am a biologist, so I propose to see how we, as a population of biological beings, meet the virus threat,” says Elena Pavlyuchenko. We are genetically different, and this allows one of us to survive. Different modes of behavior in a broad sense perform the same function.

Do what you think is healthy, what you believe in. But suppose that others, on the basis of their way of thinking, character, information, find their way, which they also consider correct, there is no point in imposing your truth on them.

“I’m all alone”

In a difficult situation, we often experience our separateness and may seem to ourselves abandoned. If we allow this condition to worsen, it can lead us to discouragement. But we have a powerful resource.

“Salvation is based on connections with others,” Olga Dolgopolova is convinced. “This is the support of our sensitivity, the ability not to fall into either panic or petrification, to remain alive.”

Sharing our feelings with others, we get the feeling “I am good”, “we have a future”, notes Elena Pavlyuchenko: “It can be a strong experience, like a meeting after separation, but even if we get tired of it, the energy quickly returns to us .

Good films and performances also help.” Even when we cry from them, then we feel more whole, cleansed.

“The more difficult times are, the more important it is to confess love to each other,” says Stanislav Raevsky. – When we confess our love, we connect with infinity, we get out of the limitations of egocentrism, in which it is so terrible to die and be alone. At the moment of a declaration of love, we connect with life itself in the entire Universe: this is the dissolution of our “I”, a connection with the Other, and in the limit – a connection with the whole world.

¹ See on the website Psychologies.ru the article by Olga Sulchinskaya “Agiodrama: Through the Saints to Self-Knowledge”.