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One of the main reasons why couples are against having children is the fear of responsibility and the desire to maintain independence. The desire to live for oneself from a temporary one develops into a permanent one, and the more you live for your own pleasure, the more you want … The psychologist tells about what prevents you from venturing into this step.
“You first need to change the car”, “I haven’t seen the world yet”, “you need to get your own housing” … Usually, this is how many people explain to others (and above all to themselves) their unwillingness to have children. Of course, freedom is important, and we are afraid of losing it — and with it the opportunity to devote time to ourselves, to do what we like, to fulfill ourselves.
To understand how to still “decide” to have a baby, it is necessary to work out all the fears and doubts that overcome us.
1. «Freedom and self-realization is over»
What does the hypothetical role of a parent mean to many of us? This means that we will no longer belong to ourselves, be mobile and autonomous, that we will have to take responsibility not only for ourselves, but also for another, such a small person.
At first, the young mother is really absorbed in the new role and she can’t devote time to herself the way she used to. But this is only at first, while the child is especially in dire need of care, care and help. In addition, in many cases, you can ask for support from your parents or resort to the help of a nanny, and then you can enter self-care, hobbies or work (study) into your daily routine.
2. «Life will never be the same»
Changing the habitual way of life and entering into the unknown is always scary. We hear the stories of relatives, friends and acquaintances who have become parents, but we do not know for sure how the birth of a baby will change our reality specifically. Yes, it will not be the same as before, but in any case, we are constantly developing. Parenthood is the stage at which we become more mature, wiser, more patient, and should be taken as the next stage of development.
3. “What if I become a bad parent?”
No one is immune from mistakes or failures, especially at first. Being a parent is indeed a huge responsibility. You have to learn a lot of subtleties, features and learn how to cope with different tasks.
You will have to face difficulties more than once or twice, but natural instincts and love will prompt the right decision. Parenthood can’t be learned in advance or even properly prepared for it, but most moms and dads manage — why do you think you’ll be the exception? Of course, it is necessary to weigh everything thoroughly, but you should not tune in to the negative.
4. «Children — I can’t afford it»
Most parents want a better life for their children, especially in this age of endless possibilities. Does this mean that you should not have a child if you have not yet managed to save up for him to study at Harvard? Of course no! Of course, with his appearance, more money will be required, but this is a feasible burden, which, if desired, can be handled, especially in a family with two partners.
5. “What if he is waiting for the same terrible childhood as mine?”
The reluctance to have a child may be due to one’s own traumatic childhood experience. It doesn’t matter whether we are talking about problems with parents, conflicts with peers, misunderstandings at school, many, at the mere recollection of this, are covered in perspiration and do not feel the desire to live it all over again, even in a different role.
Attitudes towards children and parenthood have changed in recent years. More and more people are starting to think about expanding their families not at the age of 21-22, as before, but at best at 30, and this is normal. The main thing is to analyze the reasons for your own reluctance to become a parent and, of course, not to have children just because it’s time, the girlfriends have two for a long time or mom and dad are waiting for their grandchildren.