We are expecting a child… Even when the pregnancy is planned and expected, the man is often surprised by the announcement. ” I learned this one evening when I got home. I was amazed. I couldn’t believe it … although we were looking forward to this moment Says Benjamin. In humans, the desire for a child is rarely expressed spontaneously. It is often his partner who speaks about it first and, if he feels ready, the man adheres to this childish project. It also happens that the woman postpones the decision and finally accepts the wish of her spouse, especially because of the advancing age. The idea that he is going to have a child arouses in a man many feelings, often contradictory, both with regard to him and towards his wife.
First of all, he is happy, very moved, even if he does not dare to say it too much. Then he is proud to know that he can procreate: the discovery of pregnancy is generally felt as a confirmation of his virility. He feels reinforced in his worth as a man. Future father, he gets closer to his father, he will become his equal and give him a new place, that of grandfather. Does he want to resemble her or move away from this “father figure”? A rewarding image will make him want to get closer. But he can also rely on other father figures: uncle, elder brother, friends, etc. ” My father was rigid, bossy. When we were expecting a child, I immediately thought of a close friend’s family, of his warm and funny father ”, Paul tells us.
From man to father
Man is aware of the changes to come, he will discover fatherhood, a feeling of responsibility (“Will I be up to it?”), Accompanied by deep joy. The entourage, friends sometimes warn: ” You will see how difficult it is to raise a child. “” Freedom is well over, goodbye unexpected outings. But others find the words reassuring, know how to convey the emotions experienced during the birth of their baby and the joys they have in taking care of their children. The pride of a man at the idea of having a child makes him feel for his wife admiration, recognition, tenderness. But at the same time, this woman who is going to become a mother suddenly seems different to him: he feels that she is becoming another – he is right, moreover – a person whom he will have to rediscover. The irritability and fragility of his partner surprise him, he may be afraid of feeling overwhelmed by the emotion she feels, the unborn baby is at the heart of the discussions.
Paternity is not born on a specific day, it results from a process going from desire and then from the onset of pregnancy to birth and the building of a bond with the child. Man does not experience pregnancy in his body but in his head and in his heart; not feeling the child develop in his flesh, month after month, does not prevent him from preparing for fatherhood.
A time to adapt
Love ties change, sexual desire changes. Men can feel frustrated for the present and worried about the future. Others are afraid of hurting the baby during sex. It is, however, an unfounded fear. Some feel their companion is more distant and do not understand why. During pregnancy, the woman may have less desire, or assume more or less well the transformations of her body. It is important that the couple take the time to talk about it, to express themselves on the evolution of romantic relationships. Each must listen to the other.
The father is sometimes disturbed by the privileged bond which is formed between his wife and the unborn baby, he fears of feeling excluded. Some men take refuge in their professional life, a place where their competence is recognized, where they feel at ease and which allows them to forget a little about the pregnancy and the baby. Expectant mothers most often have the intuition of this feeling and let their companion take the place he wants to occupy. Some men are worried about their wives’ health, often more than themselves, all of whose concerns are on the baby. They feel either responsible or helpless for what might happen to him. Even if he does not feel these fears, the father realizes that, materially, life will change: the projects will no longer be for two but for three, some will even become impossible – at least at the beginning. And the man feels all the more responsible for this new organization as his wife often needs his support, his empathy, that he takes initiatives.
The feelings of a future father are therefore varied, and apparently contradictory : he has a sense of his new obligations and is afraid of being sidelined; he feels reinforced in his worth as a man at the same time as he has an impression of uselessness vis-à-vis his wife; he worries about his partner’s health and sometimes wants to forget that she is pregnant; in front of her, he is as if intimidated while feeling that he is gaining confidence, that he is maturing. These reactions are all the stronger since this is a first child, since everything is new, everything is to be discovered. With the second, the third child… the fathers feel just as concerned but they live this period with more serenity.
“It took me a week to complete. I kept saying to my wife: are you sure? ” Gregory.
“I was the first to know. My wife was too moved, she asked me to read the test result. ” Erwan.
A period of vulnerability for some fathers
Expecting a child is such an upheaval that some men show their fragility in different ways: sleep disorders, digestive disorders, weight gain. We know today by listening to fathers, especially in talkative groups, that what they feel is often overlooked because they rarely spontaneously mention it. Most of the time these troubles are transient and everything is back to normal when the couple can talk about it and everyone finds their place. But, if they become embarrassing for everyday life, do not hesitate to tell a professional. The announcement of the pregnancy can sometimes make the couple “break up” and cause the man to leave the marital home suddenly and precipitously. Some men may later say that they weren’t ready, or that they felt trapped and panicked. Others have painful childhood stories, memories of a father who is violent or not affectionate or not very present, and they are afraid of reproducing the same gestures, the same behaviors as their own father.
This article is taken from Laurence Pernoud’s reference book: 2018)
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