“The desire of a child is the law?”: how to refuse children correctly

Late Requests

Usually parents react with harsh phrases at the moment when they are faced with a stream of desires, requests or dreams of their children that has fallen upon them. And if all this also sounds in a demanding or capricious form, then it can deeply hurt an adult.

1.The mother or father may feel guilty about not being able to satisfy the child’s desire. Or experiencing your own parental “badness”.

2.Some parents face their own dissatisfied “inner child”which they are not accustomed to hearing or do not know how to hear.

Maybe because he, too, was “plugged up” at one time. Maybe because life was hard and I had to enter into the position of my own parents. Or maybe there was simply no one to voice these desires, since everyone was at work. There can be many reasons. But at that moment, in the head of the parent it sounds: “I couldn’t demand this from my parents!”

3.The third reason is the parent’s fear that over time the child will not be able to regulate his emotions and needs.. And if you satisfy the desire of the child right now, he will get used to it and begin to demand even more. Simply put, it is the fear of spoiling a child. And then the adult cuts him off, often in a rude way.

Behind expressions that are unpleasant for the child, the confusion and helplessness of the parent himself is often hidden, from which he wants to protect himself. However, common phrases like “You want a lot – you get a little” are dangerous because they contain manipulation and substitution of concepts.

Want is not harmful

Desire itself is neither harmful nor dangerous. And it’s even good that the child wants something. And the harmfulness of such parental messages is that they “attack” the right to have desires or communicate them.

If such a reaction is habitual for the parent, then the child can learn that there is something bad in his “I want”. A feeling of guilt arises, which can lead to the formation of a ban on the desires themselves and their transmission to others. Distorted attitudes may be formed in relation to their needs.

Of course, it is difficult for a child not to perceive such phrases if they sound constantly. Indeed, at this moment he is open and vulnerable, especially in situations where desires concern not things, but relationships: the attention that the child expects from the parent, help, play or conversation. And if such “attacks” occur regularly, then this cannot but affect the child’s psyche and self-awareness.

Imagine a child who stopped wanting or began to “hide” his desires. Such a state, close to depression, can subsequently lead to chronic guilt, violations of the sphere of needs and behavior, as well as various kinds of addictions.

Think about your reactions

A parent who wants to get rid of such phrases in their vocabulary needs to figure out which of the three attitudes sounds the most in it. In the case of guilt, it is worth getting rid of excessive demands on oneself in terms of “ideal parenthood”.

If you continue to deny yourself a lot, then take back the right to want and fulfill your dreams and desires. In the end, you can turn to a psychologist to deal with your experiences yourself.

Moms and dads who are afraid to spoil their children should understand: on the one hand, a child really needs a responsive, attentive to needs and satisfying parent. But on the other hand, he needs the experience of frustration, prioritization in the fulfillment of desires, the ability to switch and find an alternative according to age.

If a child voices a desire aloud, this does not mean at all that this desire must be instantly satisfied.

What to do if you are forced to refuse?

There is a simple formula. If it is impossible to fulfill the desire, then the parent should support the need, limiting only its implementation. For example, he might say, “I understand how you want this. I can see that you can’t get away from this thing (recognition of desire). But I’m not ready to spend money on it right now. I’m sorry (implementation limitation).”

To this, you can add some worthy alternative or make a compromise: for example, it can be joint leisure time or a promise to return to this issue later, as well as any thing or activity that will help switch attention.

If a son or daughter asks to give him (her) time or help, and the parent constantly refuses, then it will be difficult for the child to trust his words. In order for the rejection to be perceived normally, the parent with the child must have their own stock of joint valuable moments and fulfilled desires.