A reader’s question:
Daughter (3 years 7 months) attends a kindergarten. Last week, a boy in the group caught her finger in the door. Since then, she has become whiny, follows me around, is afraid to be alone in the room, says that she is afraid of the dark. She asks to sit next to her while watching TV, and if she quietly leaves, she runs after her, crying. Previously, I was not afraid of anything, and suddenly there was some kind of panic, and day and evening, the fear of staying in the room. I don’t know what is the reason. How to talk and correct the situation?
Good day, dear reader! Thanks for your question.
I believe that the situation with the finger and the current behavior of the daughter have nothing to do with each other. And the only thing that could “link” them together was your reaction. If we talked to you personally, I would ask you two questions:
- How did you react to the finger situation? Pity your daughter?
- How do you react now to her crying?
However, we have a written consultation with you, so I will proceed from assumptions.
My assumptions are as follows:
As a loving mother, of course, you took pity on your daughter and her finger, reassured her, etc., that is, made a small event out of this, in which the child got a little more mother’s attention, care and affection than usual. What conclusion will any normal, healthy and intelligent child draw from this? Correctly. It pays to be unhappy. But the finger quickly recovered, and, in general, you will not remember this every day for a month. And then your wonderful daughter came up with the game «I’m afraid.» I tried it first — you reacted properly. And now, when she wants your attention, she shows you tears and «terrible fears.»
So what to do now?
- To make it so that the child is “afraid” and crying is not beneficial. For example, as soon as your daughter starts her little “performance”, you say the following in an absolutely calm voice: “Sunny, at home you can be afraid and cry only there (determine a place in the apartment), you go there to cry from fear, and then come back and we will read a book with you (we will play, draw, etc.) ”
- Alternatively, ask your daughter to explain to you what «I’m afraid» means. Options like «I’m afraid — this is when it’s scary» should not satisfy you. Let her specifically and in detail tell what she feels, what she thinks, what she does. Then exaggerate, bring to the point of absurdity all the signs that she listed. If I “shake”, then seriously, with my whole body and very strongly. Your task is to turn everything into a joke, to make the child start laughing at fear. After all, as you know, laughter is the best way to devalue fear.
- Explain to your daughter that the easiest way to get your attention and care is to ask. That is, the next time she wants to be with you, she will simply tell you about it, and you will definitely figure out how to organize everything. Teach your child to interact without resorting to tears and whims.
Best wishes to you and your daughter.