The person we choose as a partner is a kind of reflection of ourselves. And not only our «good» side, but also the «dark» side, which we often do not even recognize. How to interact with this dark and unpleasant reflection? The psychotherapist explains.
If divorce were the solution, the statistics would reflect the number of citizens freed from suffering, and separation would be the main recipe for solving our problems. These situations do happen, but rarely, although that’s what most pitchers hope for.
In practice, entering into the following relationship, we again encounter our own reflection. That is, with oneself reflected in another person. Will this “other” solve what the previous one refused to solve? Probably no.
In fact, at some great depth, any marriage is equal. In some ways, the spouses are very suitable for each other (of course, provided that they could choose their life partner). Daughters from alcoholic families often marry alcoholics as adults. Why? There is no other model of behavior: they simply do not know what to do with a non-drinking man.
Neurotics find their mate by «the same degree of denial of reality.» If one sees things more clearly than the other, the balance in the couple is disturbed, and the relationship falls apart. But there is a way out — a more or less symmetrical growth of both spouses with a decrease in the overall family neuroticism. When the advancement of one, albeit not immediately, is picked up by another.
The main reason for divorce is disappointment from facing reality. First of all, with the reality of oneself as a spouse, secondly, with the reality of the other as a spouse. It’s in that order.
Because if a person in marriage only discovers the shortcomings of the other, he is in a dead end, which neither the second, nor the third, nor subsequent marriages or other relationships can “cure”.
You should always know that you have found the right partner for you. But it suits not only your «radiant» side, but also the opposite, dark one. If you have the courage to see your own and others’ dark sides, this is the first step towards true unity.
Only by considering your “dark side” will you be able to continue on the path together. You will immediately get tired of blaming another for your troubles.
If you still think you’re «better» than your spouse, you’re at a dead end. Then you need to allocate separate time to see yourself without embellishment — creativity, meditation, prayer of repentance, psychotherapy. Sorry to put it all in one row, but people move towards themselves in different ways.
And only when you clearly consider your «dark side», you can continue the journey together. A sign of this is that you will not feel like blaming another for your troubles. But if you get carried away in blaming yourself, then again a dead end: this is a clever way of doing nothing, moaning: “Oh, I’m bad, too bad …” To be “bad” is sabotage and betrayal of oneself.
Here it is necessary to constantly observe this complex balance in movement — between denying the «dark» self and finding one’s true light.
For the couple, this means that marriage is not a place where one can heal the other, even with the strongest love. But it is a union, it is a determination to give the other its own light.
The big difference is that a person walks around with an extinguished candle and is looking for another with matches. Or walking around with a lit candle to find a person with the same lit candle.