Contents
Good day to all! Assertiveness is the ability of a person to defend his rights, gently but persistently. This is not only a style of behavior, but also a way of life in general — to respect yourself and other people. Unfortunately, we are also not taught this at school or in the family, but it is possible to develop this skill on your own, taking a step towards changing not only your worldview, but also your personality.
What it is?
The term itself appeared thanks to the English word «to assert», which means — to declare and defend one’s borders.
An assertive person is characterized as a positive, conscious person who finds it important to find a compromise, even in very difficult situations.
Can act kindly and with restraint, confidently explaining his point of view, while listening and accepting someone else’s. This is a conscious, psychologically mature and open person who knows how to take responsibility for his choice and behavior, not being afraid to say “no”.
Reading the description, it is quite possible to admit the thought that such people do not exist, because since childhood, most of us have been taught quite the opposite — to be obedient, that is, comfortable, ignoring our own feelings and desires. And then they talked about respect, only, unfortunately, for other people, older, elderly, famous … Forgetting that a small child also has the right to respect and recognition, and that he will not violate other people’s borders, if with the same thrift and accuracy will refer to it.
The other part learned a completely different lesson from childhood — to achieve your own goal, even if you have to go over your head, because nothing in life is given so easily and in order to get something, it must be taken from another.
There is even a typology of behavior styles, and, in addition to the assertive one, it includes:
Passive
It manifests itself as a result of unquestioning obedience. A passive person, afraid of not living up to the expectations of others, tries to be invisible, pleasing them. He puts the needs of others above his own, believing that he does not deserve and is not worthy to claim more. He is waiting for someone to notice and appreciate him someday, and by his inaction is somewhat similar to someone who does not have a goal in life, going with the flow. I raised this issue in an article about the aimless zombie.
You can recognize passive people by constant apologies, sometimes out of place and a quiet voice. They do not even give themselves the opportunity to get angry, hiding this feeling behind a smile in order to avoid conflict. Ready to endure disrespect, bullying and ignoring in order not to be held accountable. There is such a thing as a secondary benefit, that is, an unconscious advantage, what a person receives when he leads a destructive lifestyle, has bad habits and even diseases.
Yes, a passive person does not achieve success, does not fulfill his needs, but, in the event of an unforeseen and negative situation, no one will blame them, punish them, and may even regret them, as an unfortunate victim, who is perceived in consciousness as a good image, positive, with which acted badly and dishonestly.
Aggressive
Attacks, even if there is no threat, under any circumstances takes a defensive position. The body is so accustomed to living in stress that it simply requires a constant surge of emotions. Feels superior, even if it is imaginary, in conversation usually the tone is elevated, devaluing and sarcastic. Despite the self-confidence shown to the world, such people actually have many complexes that they mask with the help of dominance, dominance and hostility.
Because of hiding their vulnerability, they pay in full, because in fact they are alone, because the aggressive style of behavior is their constant companion, even in family and close relationships, which are correspondingly destroyed.
Passive-aggressive behavior
The most insidious look, the height of manipulation, because anger is hidden, such a person sometimes even has nothing to present, because he hurts and substitutes in such a way that you can’t find fault. It manifests itself in the form of stubbornness, unexpected forgetfulness, deviation from the answer. Next to such a person, you feel like a monster and a dragon, because, as it were, you are unreasonably angry, because they do not directly show aggression, they smile sweetly, pronouncing what causes rage.
A striking example is a banal resentment when a wife punishes her husband by stopping talking to him. It seems to be a victim of an unfair treatment, but behaves excessively aggressively, becoming silent, the husband, as it were, has no right to be angry with her, since the culprit of her such a state. Thus, she avoids conflict, an open conversation, during which she would have to declare what hurt, but she also does not miss the opportunity to take revenge.
Model Manuel Swift
Manuel developed the so-called code, which every person is obliged to honor. Re-read and think about each phrase, especially the ones you like, repeat every day, like a mantra, until the subconscious mind learns and accepts the information, in order to change the behavior and attitude towards yourself, until it turns it into the skills of presenting yourself to the world.
I HAVE A RIGHT
Evaluate your own actions and take responsibility for their consequences
I will no longer assume that the other person is more experienced, smarter and knows better. Only I understand how and why I did something, I know what I am. I can listen to the opinion of another person, and if it coincides with mine, I will agree, but I certainly will not give him power in evaluating.
Do not apologize or explain your actions and actions
I give up the habit of reporting, explaining and apologizing. If there is a sincere desire, then of course, but certainly not because it is necessary.
Deciding whether to help or not
I will delineate the level of my responsibility to the other person. And I will no longer please and sacrifice myself.
Change your mind
We change every day, so my point of view may change. You can’t take it like that and wash your jeans forever, they will definitely get dirty, no matter how much you want to believe in this idea. And if today my opinion has changed, this does not mean at all that yesterday I lied or was wrong.
Make mistakes and take responsibility for your mistakes
There is no need to control my actions, I can make a mistake, but thanks to the mistake I will learn experience that will be a valuable reminder to me of what not to do, and then I will act differently. Without feeling guilty, because I am a living person, and I can stumble.
Say I don’t know
Yes, I am not omnipotent, and no matter how smart I am, I do not have answers to any question. But if I don’t know something, and it becomes interesting to me, I will definitely try to get the necessary information. My development depends only on me.
Don’t like everyone
I am alive and different, and I am not obliged to please everyone, and in fact it is impossible to do so. And you can also have different feelings for me.
Make illogical decisions
Sometimes it is important for me to do something, just because I feel like it, even if my actions are not rational and reasonable. My logic may differ from yours, or not like it, but I will do as I see fit.
Say I don’t understand you
I can’t read minds, guess correctly about something, and really can not understand and not be sensitive to the needs of another for some reason. If only because today it is not in the resource.
Say I’m not interested
I am interested in what is interesting, but I cannot and will not play and artificially evoke this feeling in myself. And if our interests do not coincide, this does not mean that I am indifferent and boring.
Recommendations
1. Aggression
Reconsider your opinion about anger and allow yourself to feel and express it. Believe me, it is felt by others on a subconscious level, no matter how hard you try to hide it. Aggression can be both destructive, like the body, relationships, objects around, and creative. She is like a beacon that something has happened that is unacceptable to you, and instead of holding it back or starting to attack, an assertive person will simply state that he is angry when, for example, colleagues take his mug. Learn to notice what you don’t like and calmly state it. After all, how will others know about your boundaries if you tolerate and do not mark them?
2. Formulation of thoughts
Learn to clearly articulate your thoughts, while being positive, not devaluing or humiliating. The psychology of interpersonal relationships places great emphasis on the ability to be clear, a lot depends on this. I wrote about this in the article “How to argue and prove the correctness of your opinion to any person?”.
3. Understanding
Learn to appreciate and notice not only your emotions, but also the interlocutor. If it is not clear what is happening to him, you can ask directly. Then a dialogue is possible where both sides hear each other.
4. Compromise
Get ready for collaboration. And this means that sometimes you need to suspend yourself in emotions, and try to find a compromise. Learn to look for something in common that brings you together, but at the same time notice the difference. You can learn to stop and control yourself by doing exercises for concentration, awareness, together with breathing techniques. I recommend reading an article about auto-training, this is one of the tools that can help you.
5. Guilt
When you refuse, calmly explain the reason, without an apologetic tone or guilt or fear that you will now be rejected.
6.Commitments
Just imagine that no one owes anything to anyone. And not only imagine, but also try to bring it to life. Expecting something from people, and not getting it, we make ourselves worse, because then we have to face disappointment. But unexpected actions we are able to appreciate and feel the joy. And in the very word «should» there is little freedom and desire.
7. Self-esteem
Increase your self-esteem, work with fears that are the cause of insecurity. Take risks and try, anxiety passes during action, free your mind from it. Read the article with quotes about success, maybe there you will find tools for action.
8. Self-flagellation
If it was not possible to calmly respond to the conflict, do not scold and reproach yourself, try to figure out the reasons why you were silent, ran away, and so on. Try to dream up and come up with words with which you could adequately get out of the situation and reach an understanding with your opponent.
Conclusion
That’s all for today, dear readers of my blog! Value yourself, value those around you, and never back down from your opinion for fear of being rejected. Learning to be assertive takes a lot of time and effort, but improving your quality of life is definitely worth it. Do not forget to subscribe to blog updates so as not to miss the release of articles on very important tools for your self-development. Good luck and accomplishments!