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Anxious thoughts sometimes overcome everyone. And attempts to deal with them can turn into even greater experiences. Whose voices are heard in our head at these moments? And which one should you listen to?
As Benjamin Franklin observed, “Nothing is certain in this world but death and taxes.” You can’t argue about death, but some people manage to get around taxes. But still: is it possible to be completely sure of anything?
Who will undertake to assert that tomorrow he will not get into an accident or catch a dangerous disease? Can we know in advance that we will not make a mistake that will turn into an irreparable disaster? Firmly guarantee that we will love our partner until the end of time? Of course not!
In fact, nothing can be completely sure. Therefore, most simply pretend that this is the case, maintaining a happy illusion. Some, however, are haunted by the desire to know everything for sure. They double-check everything, they are interested in the opinions of others. Again and again they tell themselves that everything is fine.
It helps, but not for long. Such people become too suspicious. Or they doubt everything and cannot make a decision in any way. That is, they “hang” between the desire to make sure and complacency.
Do you tend to automatically imagine the worst possible consequences and then spend hours assuring yourself that you won’t experience them? Do you endlessly think about past actions and doubt the purity of your intentions? Are you sorting through your thoughts, behaviors, and moods to make sure you’re doing the right thing? So uncertainty has become your enemy.
Encouraging words, others or our own, somewhat dull the fear. “This will not happen”, “I have provided for everything”, “this cannot be”, or “it’s not so bad”. We experience temporary relief. But only temporary. Because the question “Am I really sure?” keeps ringing in our heads. And with it comes anxiety, guilt, and confusion. We are again tormented by the same questions and are looking for comfort. We get stuck in this cycle and lose the ability to act.
AN EXCITED WINTER, IMAGINARY COMFORT AND THE VOICE OF WISDOM
This obsessive, overpowering need to cheer yourself up is called the self-soothing trap. She is controlled by two inner voices: the Excited whiner and the Imaginary comforter. The third “interlocutor”, the Voice of Wisdom, impartially observes, comments and suggests a way out of the trap. Of course, if we are ready to listen to him.
An excited whiner makes you doubt: “What if …”, “Yes, but …”. It evokes disturbing thoughts and feelings. He has an unusually rich imagination, he constantly slips pictures of terrible scenarios and disasters. He needs to know for sure that everything will be all right.
He asks for reassurance and is indignant when he is offered to come to terms with uncertainty. This voice does not allow compromises and does not know how to wait. Everything is urgent, everything is important! He begs to calm his anxiety, demands attention and care, laments and groans when he is left alone.
The voice of the Imaginary Comforter is always heard in response to the slightest hint of anxiety or doubt. He instantly responds to all our “What if …”. His mission is to please the Excited Whiner immediately. He argues, forbids, argues and tries to distract from warnings, advises not to pay attention to what is happening.
The voice of wisdom knows how to be condescending to the games of the mind and not get involved in a useless skirmish
The problem is, the calmness that our inner Imaginary comforter gives us does not last long. His voice quickly fizzles out and gives way to the “microphone” of the Excited Whine, which immediately indicates a new reason for fear. It looks like he should have the last word. Anxiety is rising again.
But here the Voice of Wisdom enters the “conversation”. He has long been aware that doubts are a natural product of the human mind, that some thoughts are not worth close attention and urgent action, and besides, it is impossible to foresee all scenarios.
He sees that any desire for complete certainty is hopeless and only increases confusion. Understands that most thoughts, including the age-old “what if”, should not be taken as a warning of danger. And he also knows that the brain often gives false alarms. And therefore it is best not to react to them rashly, but to wait a little.
The voice of wisdom sounds consciously. He knows how to condescendingly relate to the games of the mind and not get involved in a useless skirmish between the Excited whiner and the Imaginary comforter. The ability of the Voice of Wisdom to observe internal dialogues in real time from a distance is the key that will help us get out of the traps of complacency. In essence, his task is to fairly resolve the conflict between the Excited Whiner and the Inner Comforter, without judging or criticizing either.
HOW THE EXCITED WINTER AND THE IMAGINARY COMFORT ARGUMENT
When we fall into the trap of complacency, there is a typical dialogue between the two antagonists.
Excited whiner: “I don’t think I turned off the stove.”
Imaginary comforter: “Don’t be stupid! Of course I turned it off. You are always careful and responsible.”
Excited whiner: “Yes, but two years ago I almost left the house and suddenly noticed that one burner was not turned off.”
Imaginary comforter: “Come on, no one is perfect. Don’t punish yourself for a one-time oversight.”
Excited whiner: “What if I burn the whole house! And I’ll stay outside.”
Imaginary comforter: “Listen, do you really think this is going to happen? Very unlikely!”
Excited whiner: “One time is enough! I need to make sure the stove is turned off.”
Worried whiner, understand that you take your thoughts too seriously. These are just thoughts, even if they scare
Imaginary comforter: “Then take time off from work and go check it out to be 100% sure.”
Excited whiner: “It would be nice, but once I already took time off from work to go home, and I was scolded. And when he returned, he was still worried that he had accidentally turned on the stove again, because he was upset. I must be having a bad memory.”
As you can see, the Imaginary comforter fails to calm the Excited whiner, and he begs for more and more soothing arguments. For every attempt to help, he has a new reason to panic. As a result, both get stuck in the trap of complacency.
This is the cycle of “worry-relax-worry again” that keeps us in place and confuses us more and more. Once in it, we lose perspective, our thinking becomes tunnel. We focus on a single goal: by all means to gain one hundred percent certainty, to make sure that the outcome of the situation is completely predictable.
WHAT THE VOICE OF WISDOM SOUNDS
Believe me, it changes a lot.
Voice of Wisdom: “Great, now give me an example of a life where there is not a drop of risk.”
(The excited whiner and the Imaginary comforter are silent …)
Voice of Wisdom: “That’s right, you can’t remember anything, because there are simply no such examples. So why are you trying to convince yourself that you definitely turned off the stove? There is no absolute guarantee.”
Excited whiner: “But not knowing is unbearable!”
Voice of Wisdom: “Worried whiner, understand that you take your thoughts too seriously. These are just thoughts, even if they are frightening. You safely endure the fact that you know nothing about other terrible events that are happening around. You just had a specific thought, and you were scared to death.
Imaginary comforter: “He suffers so much! I just want to help.”
Voice of Wisdom: “Understand. You think you have an obligation to comfort him whenever he finds something to worry about. But it hasn’t worked so far, so why should it work now? You suggest that he himself can not cope with anxieties and doubts. And reinforce the belief that such thoughts do not appear in vain. Let him check again, and then we will figure out what to do with the remnants of uncertainty. As a result, we will learn to live without tragedies.”
In this dialogue, the Voice of Wisdom tells the Excited Whiner and the Illusory Comforter how to get out of the trap of complacency. This is not always easy, because you have to put up with unpleasant feelings. But the direction is definitely the right one. And certainly this way of thinking helps us save energy and mental strength.