“When is the wedding?”, “Will you soon have heirs?”, “Will you go for the second one?” Seemingly caring relatives, friends, buddies, colleagues ask us similar questions, and we get angry and annoyed … Why? And how to respond to such “intrusions” correctly?
Probably, everyone at times has dealt with those who like to ask uncomfortable questions not only about relationships, but also about income, give advice, ask for what we don’t want and shouldn’t do.
How to be in such cases? First of all, you need to understand for yourself what you are ready to discuss and what not. And, most importantly, with whom you want to talk about it, and with whom not. Then you need to be consistent and over and over again report and remind others about this.
All people are different. Some calmly discuss relationships with intimate details, while others do not cover the personal at all. If we continue to be asked “uncomfortable” questions, this is a wake-up call that our boundaries are not built, that we have not shown others where they begin and where they end. ⠀
People simply do not know what they can ask us and what not, how to talk and communicate with us. But we have the right to voice it in the correct form at any time.
Here’s what you can say so as not to offend and inadvertently not violate other people’s boundaries: ⠀
- I don’t want to answer this question; ⠀
- I do not want to talkabout it; ⠀
- It is unacceptable for me to discuss this;
- You understand that I can not answer;
- I hate to talk about it, it causes sadness (pain, sadness, awkwardness) and violates my boundaries. ⠀
Time will pass quickly, others will get used to it, and everything will fall into place
Most of those who are interested after such an answer will lag behind you with tactless questions. But it happens that people do not even want to think about why you refuse to answer their questions, and deny the very concept of personal boundaries. “What kind of newfangled nonsense!”, “What is it? Just answer”.
Recognize that it is their right. Most of them believe that they can ask anything they want, and this is justified by the presence of family ties or status. Let them have their own opinion, but you always have the right not to answer any question that violates your boundaries.
Most likely, it will do you good to limit communication with those who do not want to respect you and your opinion, do not listen to your requests. And at a meeting, over and over again, remind about what borders are. No need to shout, scandal, insult each other.
Consistently and politely continue to explain what and why you do not like. Some may not like your tenacity. You will become uncomfortable for them. It is not surprising, because they defend their position, and you defend yours.
Be prepared for this and think of yourself. Time will fly by quickly, some will accept your position, you will start to keep your distance from others. In any case, when we don’t have to force ourselves to please someone and satisfy someone else’s unnecessary curiosity, we feel happier, we have energy for our own affairs and tasks.
About the Developer
Veronica Sysoeva – psychiatrist, narcologist, psychotherapist. Read more on her .