The choice of a lifetime

If it were possible to turn the act that continues the human race into a conscious and intentional act, this would be one of the greatest victories of mankind, exclaimed Freud *. Half a century before the invention of birth control pills, he dreamed that pregnancy was a free choice of a person. At the age of 40, after the birth of six children, he decided to end sexual relations with his wife, because he did not want to become a father anymore. It is unlikely that he could imagine the depth of our confusion today, when we can decide whether we will have a child. Not only do we choose the moment of conception thanks to contraception, the achievements of science allow us to prolong the childbearing age and overcome infertility.

frightening freedom

For centuries, the main goal in the lives of men and women was to create a family and have children: this idea was strongly supported by religion, culture and society, developing certain rules and restrictions, assigning the role of a wife and mother to a woman,” says Doctor of Psychology, perinatal psychologist Galina Filippova. But everything has changed. And the main value of a person today is life for himself: self-realization, self-actualization, self-knowledge. All of us, first of all, want to take place as a person. That is why it is no longer possible to simply “have” a child, first you need to want it. And if such a desire has not yet arisen, we can wait, sometimes quite a long time.

We are less than our ancestors concerned about the fact that children may not be in time, nature has limited the fertile age of a woman, but modern medicine is able to overcome this limitation. “If ten years ago it was considered too late to have a first child at 35, today we are surprised when women who are not yet forty come to our Center for Reproduction and Genetics,” confirms Margarita Anshina, vice president of the Russian Association of Human Reproduction **. Delayed motherhood has become the norm. This is primarily due to the fact that the perception of age has changed, which is why a woman evaluates her reproductive age in a different way. In addition, there were two revolutions – the recognition of homosexual relationships and an increase in the number of civil marriages. Partners are not in a hurry to give birth: they wait until their relationship either takes place and becomes official, or ends. So, we really can choose, but are we as free in our choice as we would like to think? There is sometimes an abyss between the declared and real desire to have a child, recalls psychoanalyst Catherine Mathelin. You can consciously want something and unconsciously resist it. We never really know what the unconscious contributes to our desires.

Women and men

Men and women want children differently. This desire arises in us in early childhood and is supported by parents. Girls with the first doll, which she cradles at the age of two or three. Over time, it grows in the mind of the future woman, enriched by her personal history, her joys, sorrows, virtues and shortcomings. For an adult woman, the desire to have a child becomes a manifestation of her deep need, her vitality.

For boys, an imaginary child is primarily a sign of social role, paternal responsibility. Men perceive imaginary children primarily as a continuation of themselves, and only with the birth of a child, realizing that he is a separate, independent being, do fathers begin to take care, protect, provide …

“A conversation with a partner about future children is much more often started by women,” notes Galina Filippova. For them, children are a necessary part of the picture of the world; thanks to them, a woman feels her full value, fulfillment. A man rather wants his wife to be happy, and if children are needed for this, then let there be children.

By the age of 23, a woman reaches the age most favorable for the birth of her first child, our experts believe. “But having received a good education by this time and / or starting to work, more and more women do not want to stop there,” says the psychologist. “They are afraid of losing what they have already achieved, falling out of active life. The baby keeps the mother at home, near him, and in order to develop, receive information, impressions, one must interact with society. That is why time spent with children can seem lost to women.”

Moreover, anticipating such a prospect, some actively and even aggressively refuse to have a child. “I am surprised how persistently women in childfree online communities prove their right not to have children,” says Galina Filippova. “If a person is confident in his position, he simply lives the life he has chosen, and self-justification often stands behind the declaration. And it is not surprising, because many of them sooner or later realize that they are wrong. One way or another, the activists of the childfree movement are very similar to those women who, for various reasons, simply do not rush into motherhood. However, at the age of 45, an age crisis sets in: looking back, a woman wants to understand why she moved (and is moving) forward. And at that moment she may realize that she has no one to share her accumulated values ​​with. “Then the question of a child becomes extremely acute, and the woman is ready for anything to get pregnant,” confirms Margarita Anshina. She goes to a fertility clinic, where she is offered to use a donor egg: after the age of 45, the likelihood of pregnancy using her own eggs is unlikely, even with the help of IVF.”

The most beautiful project?

Today, before our eyes, the concept of intimacy, secrets disappears. Ever since we were given the choice to have or not have children, this very personal wish of ours has become literally a social norm. And the belly of the expectant mother is a demonstration that it is commendable to experience this desire. The stereotype of a joyful, long-awaited pregnancy ties the presence of a child to our self-realization, the fullness of life. (And he leaves out all the negativity: accidental and unwanted pregnancies, as a result of which unwanted children are born.) And if we really want a child, this desire must come true … quickly. There is less than a month between throwing away a pack of birth control pills and the start of a pregnancy test commotion, although on average you can safely wait about a year to conceive.

The desire to have a child is the cornerstone of the most beautiful plan in life. It demonstrates our confidence in the rightness of our lives: meeting a “good” father (or a “good” mother), a “good” career path (on which we can afford to take a break), buying a “good” apartment … The child becomes the last wish : having given birth to him, we will finally confirm that we are “all right”.

“Unfortunately, such an attitude is very common among us: for complete happiness, I only lack a child,” Galina Filippova regrets. – And vice versa: if I don’t have children, then I’m not like everyone else; Thus, the child becomes a means of achieving the desired social position and comfort. Our state is also trying to make a means out of children, considering the child as a way to improve the demographic situation.”

Ways to stimulate the birth rate, like maternity capital, are good, but ineffective. Society would like to see more children among the middle class, who care about creating opportunities for their children for education and development, continues Galina Filippova. Such parents no longer need material, but professional psychological support: centers are needed where parents can come with a very young child and find out how to interact with him, what to play, what and how to teach … They would be very helped by family coaching, which allows you to redistribute the load in the family, gives the mother a chance to live a full and varied life. So far, alas, she can only rely on herself and her loved ones.

Selfishness or altruism?

To the difficulties we experience in trying to first hear and then fulfill our true desire, are added external influences, social and family patterns. Our children, so long-awaited, extraordinary, infinitely loved, become the center of the parental universe. We are pushed to sacrifice everything for them, but are we ready for this? Where does selfishness begin, and where does altruism begin? For whose sake do we want a child – for him or for himself? “These questions are very important, they help us understand our desires,” notes Galina Filippova. “We must understand that we are raising children who will leave us. Therefore, do not expect dividends from them. Even if we gave birth from fullness and are ready to share everything, the child will still go into his life with all this. And we will watch with interest how he, in turn, will give to his children.

Read more:

• Why is it difficult for us to make a choice?

If we decide not to have children, then what is the real reason: do we not want to part with our own comfort, or are we afraid to dump the burden of our neuroses on another? When the desire to have a child awakens in us, it is hard to admit that it can collide with other conflicting, unacceptable desires coming from the depths of the unconscious. The first of these is the desire to survive. If it was difficult for us to establish our inner balance or harmony in a couple, we feel at least at the level of intuition that the appearance of a child can break them. And in this case, it is favorable for us if the survival instinct takes over.

Mirages of science

It seems that assisted reproductive technology has almost canceled the verdict of “infertility”. Technologies are improving: today we offer women to conceive a child using IVF, using their own or donor eggs, husband’s or donor’s sperm, we carry out the ICSI procedure (the sperm is injected into the egg), we freeze the sperm, embryos (!), and now the eggs, – says Margarita Anshina. “In special cases, we offer couples a surrogacy program.” And yet, it is still difficult for couples to decide on IVF. “There are no such partners who easily perceive the idea of ​​conceiving a child in an unnatural way,” continues Margarita Anshina. “It usually takes about six years before spouses come to us. And this is a lot: if a woman first went to the doctor at 32, she will come to us at 38. And it’s not just about conception, bearing a child is also a problem: pregnancy can be terminated at any time.

And yet, sometimes science gives up… According to psychoanalyst Elena Zhaluniene, the desire to have a child, despite the most advanced techniques in the world, can be hindered, delayed, complicated, eliminated. The upheaval that can cause in us an unconscious (not) desire to have a child sometimes turns into a completely unexpected ending.

Late pregnancy, same-sex family, IVF – and all the usual ideas are crumbling. It is precisely the contradiction between the rational and the irrational, the individual and the collective, the consciously chosen and the unconscious, that explains why the decision to have a child is still unpredictable… and therefore expresses our freedom. We are free to have a child. Or not have it.

* Z. Freud »General theory of neuroses. Introduction to Psychoanalysis”. AST: AST Moscow, 2010.

** Author of the book “If you need a child…”, Deepak, 2010.