The child is angry — how to react correctly

guilt is unproductive

Children feel guilty for hurting parents who did not deserve it, and are angry at themselves for their behavior. And adults reproach themselves for not being able to help the child, and reproach them for being helpless.

We suffer from feelings of powerlessness, take the inability to solve a problem to heart, and often react irrationally as a result.

the main mistake in the reaction to anger

One of the mistakes is the search for logic in the actions and words of the child, it is not there and cannot be. The prefrontal cortex of the brain, which is responsible for logical judgments, is not yet fully developed. Thoughts are born not by intellectual reasoning, but as a result of emotional reactions directed at oneself, others and the world around.

All people are born with the ability to experience and express anger and anger, but each of us has life experience, thanks to which we react differently to what makes us dissatisfied.

For example, a child gets angry when he refuses to sleep during the day, and the parents give in to him. He learns a lesson: anger can get your way. Children also learn to associate certain inner feelings with anger. In adulthood, they do not have a question, but is it worth getting angry now, it happens by itself.

When such feelings take over the child, he becomes uncontrollable. It scares both him and those around him. We, adults, usually try to stop him, to calm him down.

What is behind the child’s anger?

To understand the cause of rage, you do not need to try to analyze it. Be aware of what the child is trying to achieve. Perhaps he…

• trying to punish us for hurting him;
• wants to do us just as bad;
• punishes himself for not being good enough at something;
• tries to reduce inner pain by blowing off steam and choosing ineffective ways to do this.

How can you help your child deal with anger?

One way to help your child deal with these feelings is to encourage them to release their anger by writing it down on paper. This will help reduce tension, stress, and pain caused by feelings of powerlessness.

Having described your problems, you can see them from a different point of view, from which they will no longer seem insurmountable.

What else can you say to an angry child?

• “We are all human, we are all angry. We are not perfect, we all have ups and downs.”
• «Let’s try to forgive each other for what happened?»
• “Yes, now we are mad at each other. But we can respect each other, don’t you think?»
• “I’m really sorry you feel so bad. But you have a choice: you can forgive me or not forgive me. You decide. Do you know why forgiveness is needed? It helps us leave what happened behind us and move on. Our mistakes do not make us less valuable. Do you understand what I mean?
• «We are a family, I will never love you less, no matter what happens.»
• “I don’t expect everything to be perfect all the time. You, like everyone else, will have white and black stripes.”

About the author: Aaron Carmine is a clinical psychologist at Urban Balance Psychological Services in Chicago.