The child has a tantrum – what should parents do?

A capricious child is aggressive and persistent, he strives at any cost – with tears, squeals, public hysteria – to achieve his desire.

“For a child who feels that he is not understood (not appreciated, not loved), whims are the wrong way to establish contact with an adult,” explains psychologist Anna Berdnikova.

She invites parents to listen to their reactions in order to determine what exactly the child is doing wrong.

Are you annoyed

If your child’s behavior irritates you, then he is fighting for your attention. Do not wait for this feeling to intensify, but do not indulge in explanations with the child – it is better to use bodily signs of attention.

For example, a son (daughter) pulls you to play, stamps his feet, screams while you are talking with a neighbor. Hug him, stroke his head, press him without interrupting the conversation.

You are angry

This is a sign that the child is fighting with you for power, wants him to have the last word. The main task of an adult in this situation is to evade the fight.

Give your child the right to choose. Agree on the rules in advance and use conventional signs when he violates the contract, recognize the right for yourself and the child to have negative feelings, relieve tension with a joke or an unexpected act.

you are offended

Perhaps the child is taking revenge on you for something. In this case, choose the method of influence more carefully: each subsequent punishment convinces the child more and more that it is impossible to behave differently with you.

Take a break and consider the child’s reaction, talk to him and understand his motives. Mentally imagine how you want to see your relationship with your son (daughter), and try to show your unconditional love for him in practice.

you feel sorry for him

The child is crying as he sits in front of the scattered toys that you instructed him to collect. Perhaps the child feels helpless, but it can very well be that he is only playing with it.

The task of parents is to restore strength and confidence to the child. To do this, it is necessary to break a large and difficult task (to collect toys) into smaller and simpler ones: first we collect all the cubes, then we put all the cars in the garage, and so on.

Practical advice for parents

Madeleine Denis, child psychologist

From 1 year to 3 years:

• Distract a child who is about to lose his temper with a joke or a game, quickly switch his attention.
• Do not let him destroy toys and objects, show him how to release anger otherwise. For example, you can get a “bag of anger” and throw out screams and anger into it. When the bag is full, ask your dad to throw it in the trash or wash it in the washing machine.
• It is good for a child who argues with your every word to say yes. For example, “Yes, you can push the stroller yourself.” “Yes, I’ll let you go play if you stop screaming.” Such an agreement calms the children and discourages the desire to scandal.

From 3 to 6 years:

• When you go shopping in the supermarket, don’t expect your child to patiently and meekly walk nearby: find something feasible for him: choose a bun yourself in the bread department, count how many purchases are in your cart.
• If you have a line at the clinic or a traffic jam, do not forget to put a couple of small toys and a notebook with pencils in your bag before leaving the house to switch your child’s attention at the right time.
• Before entering a store or other public place, remind them what kind of behavior you expect from a child: do not run, do not scream, do not grab items from shelves without permission.
• After the tantrum is over and the child has calmed down, remind him of what he can and cannot do in public places. Make sure he has heard, understood and agrees to these rules.
• Use clear and precise words. Speak firmly and calmly. There should be no irritation or anger in your eyes. Don’t say “It’s forbidden!” too often – this weakens the educational effect of the phrase.
• Be a good example. If an adult considers it possible to use force and scream, then the child will decide that tantrums and outbursts of anger are a normal means of expressing discontent.