Even yesterday, the child’s actions seemed understandable, but today his behavior is puzzling: the new doll’s head has been torn off, and scribbles have appeared on the wallpaper. Previously, the child had never allowed himself such a thing, did not spoil things – what came over him? And most importantly, how should we, adults, react correctly?
Children don’t always behave the way we expect them to. They grow, show character. Finding painted walls or broken things, we get lost. How to proceed? Forbid, scold? Or silently scrub the wallpaper, buy new toys and let the child explore the world freely?
But the wallpaper is a pity, and the toy may have cost a lot of money. The first thing a parent needs to do is to understand what is happening to him, psychologist Olga Kozhina advises. What feelings did the incident evoke in you? You are angry? Confused? Upset? Offended by a child because he has no idea what work it took for you to make repairs or buy an expensive toy?
Every adult has their own story, needs. One at this moment experiences rage and a desire to punish. The other feels like a bad parent because he is angry with the child. This is neither bad nor good, you have the right to any feelings, you just need to first figure out what exactly hurt you with his act.
Why is this step important? It allows you to track your own experiences and separate them from what happened. At this point, the parent may be so overwhelmed by their feelings that it interferes with dialogue and resolution.
If parents forbid a lot and severely restrict, children either obey and droop, or try to show character.
Next, you should look at the situation a little detachedly and figure out what is happening with the child. There are many reasons why he might have done just that. For example, he just explores the world, and he is interested in how a new car works inside or what will happen if you try to draw not on paper, but on the wall. In this case, there is no aggression in his behavior.
But other options are also possible. Sometimes destruction is a child’s way of showing how they feel. “Children find it difficult to describe their own experiences and therefore it is much easier to express them through action, for example, breaking toys. Such behavior can mean: pay attention to me, I feel bad, I need your help, ”the psychologist comments.
It happens that the family has established rules that are incomprehensible to the child, or he simply grew out of some, wants to expand his opportunities and rights. By experience, he checks what is possible for him and what is not. If parents forbid and severely restrict a lot, children either obey and decline, or, conversely, try to show character, establish their own rules and check how strong the boundaries of their parents are.
Sometimes children react with such behavior to the situation in the family. The child feels what is happening between adults, even if they try not to quarrel in front of him. He chooses disobedience as a way to attract the attention of his parents so that they stop sorting things out and become one family again.
Since the reasons for aggressive actions can be different, it is important for the parent to understand what is happening now with the child, what he wants to say with such behavior, what his motive is, what emotions he is experiencing, continues Olga Kozhina. And only then is it time to talk to your son or daughter.
It is important not just to switch the attention of the child, but to find a more socially acceptable way to express feelings.
First, just comment on what is happening: “I see you are painting on the wallpaper.” Further, it is useful to reflect the feelings, needs and desires of the child, which are hidden behind his behavior. Use short phrases. For example, “You seem to enjoy painting on your wallpaper” or “You’re mad at me” or “You’re upset.”
This step allows you to build a dialogue, because the child feels that they are trying to understand him, his feelings are recognized, he can be heard. Most likely, it is still difficult for him to say what he is experiencing, but together with an adult, he learns to choose the right words for his feelings. At this moment, it is important for the parent to be very attentive, to try to catch what is really happening with the son or daughter, because only then will it be possible to establish contact.
Further, the psychologist advises to designate a limitation (“But they don’t draw on the wallpaper”) and offer him an alternative for expressing his feelings. For example, “You can draw on paper.” “You can draw or show how angry you are with me.” It is important not just to switch the child’s attention to another activity – for example, to offer to watch cartoons or play – but to find a more socially acceptable way to express feelings.
If the child refuses to accept your ban on damaging objects or painting on the wall, an adult should be given a choice: “If you choose to paint on the wallpaper now, then you are choosing to refuse to go out with friends in the evening.” So the child gets the opportunity to choose, and therefore be responsible for his decision. Olga Kozhina emphasizes that restrictions should be imposed precisely on those activities that are important to the child here and now. It makes no sense to say that do not buy him something in six months.
In addition, the parent must be consistent and confident that he is really ready to keep his word. “Boundaries are necessary, they allow the child to feel safe. He understands what is possible and what is not. However, these frameworks must be flexible and change with age, ”adds the psychologist.
We often have to experience different emotions and it can be difficult to cope with them. And the child in such a situation especially needs your help, because, thanks to you, he will learn to cope with his feelings on his own in the future.
About expert
Olga Kozhina – consultant psychologist, trainer at The International Focusing Institute.