When a son or daughter refuses to communicate with one of the parents, try to restore the relationship. This connection is necessary for the child to maintain its own internal integrity.
When a child of divorced spouses refuses to see the parent with whom he does not live (more often with his father), adults are often lost. What’s happening?
Perhaps in this way he is trying to support the abandoned parent, especially if he sees how he suffers. He may be afraid to be alone with such a «terrible» person — if the family of the deceased is scolded and represented as a monster.
A child up to 10–12 years old may feel like “betraying” his mother if he wants to see his father, and even have a good time with him. Sometimes teenagers begin to manipulate adults, trying to act in their own interests.
If one parent, for example, is too rigid, the child is tempted to settle down with another who allows more. To this end, various arguments are composed: “It is impossible to live with her, she is dissatisfied with everything”; «He’s not interested in me at all.»
Perhaps the child had an experience of an unsafe relationship with a parent for him, and now he is afraid to be alone with him
To exclude a situation of violence, incest, be attentive to the words of the child, find out the opinion of close acquaintances in order to check the reality of the threat and, if necessary, ensure his safety.
The situation is complicated in that it affects the personal experiences of adults who have broken off relationships. A mother who feels resentful will most likely take the child’s refusal to see her father with satisfaction. And will — often unconsciously — support him in this decision.
But the child feels like an extension of two people, father and mother, and if he is not allowed to love one of them, he may feel split in two. It is important for children to have a positive view of both parents: it is impossible to be the son or daughter of a “traitor” or “fool” and at the same time feel confident, successful, good.
The world of the child has changed after the separation of the parents, both of them are responsible for this, which means that both of them will have to find out the true motivation of the child (does he feel rejected by his stepmother or stepfather; is the father too demanding …) and together think about how to keep in touch with him. For parents who find it difficult to communicate with each other, a mediator or family psychologist will help.