Women practice only persuasion and, to the last, avoid formulating a clear and precise demand. Even if the text of the demand is dictated to her, only unhappy eyes can be seen in response, followed by a refusal: “No, I can’t say that!” Once, in the company of young mothers, I asked to play a situation when my daughter does not get up in the morning, and specifically asked to talk to her harder, demandingly … Here is a recording of a conversation where one mother played her daughter, and another raised her:
How hard it is to wake up in the morning, how hard! Well, sleep for at least 10 more minutes!
Lena, get up!
— Well, another 5 minutes! Let’s count to five and I’ll get up.
— Climb! The arm goes up, the leg goes up.
— It’s so cool here … No legs, I’m already cold … I’ll hide myself again, and then I’ll get up.
— Climb!
— It’s very cold. I’ll hide again and then get up.
Lena, get up! I’m leaving, I don’t want to listen. Come on, get up quickly.
— There are a few more minutes.
— No time.
I’ll count to ten, then I’ll get up.
Here I interrupted this altercation: this style of conversation was ineffective, could go on indefinitely, and did not give any result. Mom seemed to be trying to speak gu.e., she played almost a peasant, but all the same, persuasion and persuasion were heard in her voice. I offered my option, without persuasion. It sounded like this:
“Lena, will you get up on your own, or should I help you?”
— No, I’ll pack myself.
— So, I’ll count to three, and then I’ll help. It’s just time to get up. Once…
Everything, the issue was resolved, Lena will rise. But if she thinks that this is all and everything was cheap for her, then she is mistaken. In fact, the conversation will continue … About what? Yes, that Lena did not get up herself and even resisted the demands of her parents. Therefore, in the evening there will be another conversation — this:
— Lena, tell us, what did we have today with getting up?
“I had a very good dream. So bright and beautiful…
“I’m not asking you about that. You yourself did not get up, and I had to use direct violence against my beloved daughter.
— It’s very difficult, it’s cold.
— Do I understand correctly that you are offering me to continue to raise you like this, and I will decide this issue for you?
— It’s hard for me to say. But probably, yes, it will.
— Have to. Did you decide for me? And you are helpless. Did you really think that you were helpless and decided to rely on your father’s decision because of this feature? Daughter, you are smart, do you really need it?
Yes, I’m smart.
— Smart. Then you have 5 minutes to consult with your mother, what to do, so that you get up on your own, or in 5 minutes I myself will tell you about your future fate …
Instead of persuading, use persuasive requests. And if requests do not work where a person is obliged to hear you, proceed to forceful methods of resolving the issue.
Zh .: We have a problem — getting to school. He lies like a corpse, well, for the life of me.
N.I. Kozlov: Let me now throw various considerations, and you tell me what will happen. Start over. Is your child taught to listen to you?
J: Basically, yes. Except the lift.
N.I. Kozlov: Very good, because it is important. You ask him: “I want to talk about your difficult rises in the morning. Every day, pulling you out of bed is an extra and not joyful job for me, lifting yourself up for you is your job. I agree? What do you think needs to be done so that you get up easily?
J: I asked him this question. He replied: «I need you to set a good alarm for me and not come near me.» I bought an electronic alarm clock, he set it himself, and even got up normally for three days. On the fourth day — the same thing: the alarm clock plays — he sleeps.
N.I. Kozlov: Regarding the alarm clock, it would be more correct to put the question like this: “Buying an alarm clock is not a question, we will buy it. More precisely, let’s run yourself to a nearby department store, there is a watch department, pick up something that will please you? Deal? — Deal». What you missed is the format. Your son went out of the format, and you missed it. You should have reacted like this:
Son, but I didn’t really understand, the phrase “So that you don’t come up to me?” — is this caring for me or gu.e.st? When you said that, were you worried about me or about yourself? (Here you can either teach how to think, or arrange a specific showdown: “If you want to quarrel with me, okay, let’s quarrel!”) In short, they don’t talk to parents like that, this is disrespect.
Now about the fourth day, when the alarm clock plays, and the son sleeps. What happened to you after that? Did you get angry or did you talk to him calmly?
J: Angry.
N.I. Kozlov: Never be in a hurry to get angry. It should be reserved for an important event. You tell him: “Yesterday you had a failure, tell the reasons.” Answer for him.
Zh .: “Yesterday I went to bed late, there were good reasons, and in general, the first was physical education.”
N.I. Kozlov: “Now we want about physical education or about the fact that you didn’t manage to get up on time?” To keep the conversation from getting sidetracked.
Zh .: “Why should I get up for the first lesson?”
N.I. Kozlov: «I understand correctly that you are now proposing to postpone your topic of waking up on time, and discuss the topic — why do you need to get up for all the lessons?»
J: «Yes.»
N.I. Kozlov: “When will we return to the theme of the alarm clock? Then I’ll be ready to discuss a new topic.»
Actually, you said everything. «I went to bed late last night.» “Then, son, today we go to bed half an hour earlier. If you oversleep next time, another half an hour earlier, and so on. This is the solution to this problem: if he does not get up on time, he will have to go to bed earlier. How much you overslept — so much earlier and goes to bed. If you formulate this condition and can achieve its fulfillment, the issue will be resolved. But can you really achieve this condition? Can you provide it?
J: I’m afraid I can’t. He will not listen to me, he will make trouble in the evening.
N.I. Kozlov: Tell me how he will make trouble. I love specifics.
Zh .: “Mom, well, I’ll finish it there now …”
N.I. Kozlov: “Come here. Would you like to discuss your later bedtime with me?”
J: «Yes.»
N.I. Kozlov: “Tell me, what are the reasons that you cannot lie down by agreement?”
J.: «I want to pass these levels.»
N.I. Kozlov: Stop. Is this grounds for violating the agreement?
J .: «Well, mom, please.»
N.I. Kozlov: Stop. What question did I ask you?
J.: «Let’s do it for the last time…»
N.I. Kozlov: «Did you answer my question?» Children suit us continuous divorces.
Zh .: Then he starts crying, screaming and tantrums, and I usually break down. What can be done here?
N.I. Kozlov: Actually, the solution is on the surface: tears appear — turn off the TV. There will still be tears — tomorrow without a computer. After that, we go back to normal conversation.
Zh .: If I turn off the computer, he turns away and does nothing at all: he doesn’t eat, he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t go to school.
N.I. Kozlov: Naturally, this is normal. Sometime, at least once in a lifetime, any child goes into aggravation, tests their parents for strength. Understand, this will never be daily, this is a one-time situation that you need to go through, get sick, and put pegs — who is the boss in the house.