“The child does not know what to ask Santa Claus for!”

7-year-old Lisa carefully paints a New Year’s card – a letter to Santa Claus. She had already drawn flowers and a sun and patterned curls on the sides, but … she never wrote a line in the letter: she could not think of what to ask the wizard. And six-year-old Timofey politely answered his mother, who asked what he was expecting as a gift: “You really think of something yourself, I don’t care. I have good toys, a good dad and a good mom, I don’t need anything.” “Out of the entire group, only one girl was able to say that she would order Santa Claus,” says a kindergarten teacher. Of course, the parents are puzzled: they wanted to organize magic for the child, but he does not need anything!

How to understand this indifference of modern children to material goods? Maybe like a fairy tale come true?

Read more:

• “He wants the most fashionable toy”

How are dreams born?

“If this is a fairy tale, it is very sad,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova*. – In fact, this is an alarming symptom that modern children have forgotten how to dream and desire. I can clearly see that today’s teenagers and young people have no desires at all, and it’s so scary. Nothing warms them, they feel the emptiness and fill it with whatever they have to – drugs, the Internet, and this does not work.

Why is this happening? Any desire is formed in conditions of scarcity, when we lack something. For example, a child sees a red sports car on TV or at his friend in the group, and his neighbor has roller skates or a beautiful designer, and he begins to want the same thing. The child seems to try on the possession of this thing and feels the need to actually own it. If he does not get what he wants (or does not get it right away), then he begins to dream about it. He imagines how he rides on these roller skates, how he builds castles from Lego … A whole fantasy world is born in his imagination. And that’s the great use of desire, by the way.”

Dreaming about any, the most trifling toy, the child is incredibly happy when he finally gets it. And he is doubly happy if he was able to somehow earn this gift or participated in its acquisition – for example, he saved coins, or invested part of his pocket money, or expended his personal efforts (he traveled far with his mother for a gift, to the other end of the city) .

Working ahead of the curve

But today a generation of parents has formed that warns their children of the slightest deficiency of anything. And as a result, it deprives them of the opportunity to dream, to really wish for something. As soon as the child looked at the toy with interest, we immediately buy it for him. Why is it so important for us to anticipate their desires? Inna Khamitova sees several reasons.

• Make your inner child happy. To someone who was deprived of something important in childhood (for example, he dreamed of a bicycle, but never got it), today it seems that he will save his child from disappointments if he anticipates all his desires. And as a result, he falls into a trap: buying this “bicycle” for a child, he actually makes a gift to himself, and deprives the child of the opportunity to enjoy (after all, he did not even have time to dream about this gift).
• Get rid of guilt. Parents who are very busy at work (in this case it does not matter whether they are passionate or just earning money) often feel guilty before the child for their absence. And they find an easy way to make up for the lack of their attention – they buy gifts for him. But the result is the same: even in this case, the child is deprived of the opportunity to wish, dream and nurture his fantasies. But he has a certain measure of parental love, he gets used to thinking like this: the more his parents buy him, the more they love him.
• Feel like good parents. There are parents for whom it is very important that the child considers them the best parents on earth. Usually they are deeply unsure of themselves, of their “goodness”, of their destiny. They have not found themselves in some business, and it is extremely important for them to be good parents. The child, of course, loves such a mother or father very much and considers them, of course, good. However, sometimes he can manipulate them (almost not according to him, he says: “You are a bad mother,” and these words are like a knife to the heart). Trying to earn a child’s favor, such a mother, of course, will anticipate his desires.
• Be no worse than others. Parents who closely monitor the successes of others and measure their achievements need their child to be no worse than others: otherwise, “what will they say about me?” Such parents think more about their status and prestige than about the real needs of the child. As a result, he is hung with gadgets and cars, which, by and large, he does not need at all. He did not even have time to feel the charms and values ​​​​of the gift, but he already possesses it.

How to awaken the need to desire?

Of course, you will not form a desire in the days remaining before the New Year. This work takes time. But, in essence, it comes down to creating a deficit, even an artificial one.

Try not to get material goods too easily for the child. Spoiled causes inflation of pleasure. And if today a child’s eyes do not light up at the sight of a gift, will he learn tomorrow to enjoy his life?

Mark for yourself the moments when your son or daughter is at least interested in something, asked for something. And say: now I can’t buy it for you, but in two months (half a year), let’s get back to this conversation. Maybe you can help me save up for this purchase?

Finding a reason to refuse him something is not at all difficult: now there is no money, I have urgent expenses that are more important for the family … Another thing is more difficult – to withstand the frustration, tears, or even hysteria of a child who is faced with a restriction for the first time. Be sure to ask yourself the question: am I ready (a) to cope with the fact that the child will consider me a bad mom (bad dad)? With the fact that my child will not have something? With my own sense of guilt (the dearest person asked me – but I won’t do something for him?).

In general, this is a long-term job, but what to do today, now? What gift will please a jaded child today?

“The most valuable gift is your joint time, your sincere attention and cheerful mood, and not material gifts,” Inna Khamitova is convinced. – A child will never refuse a bright pastime with his parents. You have no idea what a joy it is for him to see his beloved mom and dad having fun and carefree. Not busy bores with work and life, not helpful and helpful nannies, but accomplices in the games – gambling, young, rejoicing in life. Therefore, be sure to come up with some kind of joint action: go to a climbing wall, go bowling, go ice skating, skiing, fly in a wind tunnel, go to a water park … Even just lie in the snow in a park or in the country all together – for a child (for now) a big joy”.

To be honest, this is not an easy task for all adults. It is much easier and more convenient to read a children’s postcard and go buy everything on the list. But what to do: sincere love and real concern for children requires from us not only physical effort, but also emotional investment. Which is sometimes more difficult, but also more valuable.