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The child and the computer: a smart decision
His screen is able to unite family members around him, but it can also alienate them from each other. In any case, the appearance of a computer in the house can change a lot. In which of the rooms is it better to put it? Four strategies for solving a problem that seems simple at first glance.
“When I gave my husband a laptop, he was in seventh heaven, I had never seen him like this before, even after the birth of our daughters,” recalls 45-year-old Marina. – After a few months he became a real computer addict. As a result, we got divorced. ” If the computer does not always become a stumbling block, causes contention and exacerbates existing problems, it often does indeed upset the existing family balance. “It encourages family members to create or rebuild the relationships that bind them in new conditions that may not be acceptable to all households,” says sociopsychologist Irina Palilova. The computer can become the third superfluous in the communication of spouses, it can threaten parental authority, generate conflicts between relatives … In a word, it is not always possible to gently introduce this new family member into the house, not allowing him to dictate his own rules. But this “indicator”, revealing weaknesses in family relationships, at the same time can help to correct the situation or even create new connections. It all depends on the place that is allotted to him in the house, both literally and figuratively. Tour of the apartment with commentary.
Child and computer
In the bedroom
Plus: a new form of intimacy
“It was important for my partner that I let his computer into our bedroom,” says 29-year-old Kira. – When I started to show interest in the computer, my friend calmed down. Otherwise it would be perceived as if I do not love his best friend. ” To make you accept your computer is to symbolically make you accept yourself. Initiating another in computer wisdom also means making him a part of your world and strengthening the couple. The computer can create a new form of intimacy. “It allows you to make plans together in real time, think over your travels, organize a party … and start acting immediately,” says Irina Palilova. In a couple, the computer can also act as a mediator, allowing you to avoid conflicts and communicate more calmly. “When my husband and I had problems, I had to use e-mail to talk to him,” says 31-year-old Valeria. “He also learned important things about me and my life from my blog.”
Minus: enemy of love
“When will you finally go to bed?” Penetrating into the bedroom – the bastion of marital intimacy – the computer can turn into a rival who is always there and who devours your time. In the family, it is necessary to leave space for pleasure alone, but here the measure is important. Many women feel redundant in their own bedroom in the face of a complete merger with their partner’s computer. “The monitor turns into a screen between the spouses, creating the illusion of a person’s presence, when in fact he is not with you,” Irina Palilova analyzes. – If there is only one computer in the family, then in the marital bedroom it can cause a love and sexual catastrophe; in addition, children attracted to the parent’s bedroom by a computer can turn it into a walk-through yard. ”
In the living room
Plus: a reason for communication
“Our computer is in the living room,” explains 58-year-old Anton, father of two sons, 16 and 11 years old. “The Internet is an open window to the world, so from time to time we look at where our children roam in this world.” Parents are safer when the computer is in the living room, even though children can create several mail addresses for themselves (besides the one known to mom and dad) and know many other ways to bypass parental vigilance … The living room also makes it easier to share the computer, making it available for all at once: you can, for example, ask your children for help when buying or selling various items via the Internet, you can watch movies together or show your friends photos taken on vacation …
The living room is a crucial place for a close-knit family … where a computer with constant Internet access can quickly become a troublemaker. And most importantly, he defines a new alignment of forces within the family. “At 60, my parents are not strong in terms of virtual space, so I have to give them private lessons,” laughs 19-year-old Leonid. Children are often more advanced in technology and therefore often mentor their parents.
The image of the head of the family may suffer from this. “A child can feel more significant by introducing parents to a new field, but at the same time he should not turn into the main family expert,” psychologist Galina Kucherova reduces the degree of discussion. “If family relationships are stable, then the children will not have a sense of their“ omnipotence ”, in the face of which parents will feel devalued, unable to give their children any knowledge in this area.”
In a nursery or a teenager’s room
Plus: a step towards autonomy
“The computer plays a very important role in the life of modern children, and it’s good if it appears in a teenager’s room no later than 14 years old,” says Galina Kucherova. The computer allows him to overcome shyness or complexes, it is easier to get closer to the opposite sex … “For a teenager, the computer is associated with the ritual of introducing into the world of adults,” continues Galina Kucherova. – It contributes to his socialization and partly – the acquisition of independence. Children are immersed in the Internet and are rapidly separating from their parents, establishing a distance … “By placing a computer in the nursery, parents get the opportunity to” cut the umbilical cord “, accepting the fact that they cannot fully control the virtual life of their grown up child.
Minus: quarrels between children
“I was eleven years old when the computer appeared in our family,” recalls 28-year-old Lisa. “It was given to my older brother, and we started swearing terribly.” A computer can exacerbate initial conflict or rivalry between siblings: “Why does he or she behave as if the computer is his property?” In addition, the computer in the nursery can lead to the fact that parents will be dismissed, since they have transferred all their powers to the omniscient Internet. “Parents should not completely withdraw themselves,” says Galina Kucherova. “For example, when a child uses the Internet to prepare a report, they can help him find information, develop his critical thinking, etc.”
In the office
Plus: be with yourself
“I have three children, and I need my own corner where I can sit quietly at my laptop,” says 40-year-old Christina. – When I come home, I immediately turn it on to check my mail, and reluctantly let the children play on it. He became almost a friend to me, a partner. It contains all my entries, and for me it is equivalent to a personal diary. ” Behind the closed door in the office, the computer helps to distract and recuperate, becomes a space of freedom, recaptured from everyday life, an occasion to be alone with oneself.
Minus: nothing to do
An office, a hall, a guest room … Wherever you place your computer, you can always turn it on without disturbing others, or calmly spin a novel in the virtual world. There is no association around a computer, no desire to share with those who are near, but only face-to-face with a machine, which can end up with a person breaking away from family life. “My husband closed the door to talk through a webcam, and when I asked him to teach me how to use a computer, he refused on the pretext that it was his secret hideout,” recalls 54-year-old Dilyara. “Then we bought another computer for me and my daughter, and now we have two computers, two offices … and two lives.”
Ksenia Kiseleva, Natalia Kim