The Boundaries of Love: 4 Exercises to Strengthen Relationships

The main goal is to learn how to create an emotionally healthy, manipulation-free space in which you can exchange thoughts and feelings on an equal footing. This will harmonize relations within the couple and create a mechanism for conflict prevention. These exercises are suitable for both those whose problems in a couple are caused by minor disagreements, and those whose problems are protracted and crisis in nature. They will help the first to learn to better understand the partner and get closer to him, the second – to “let off steam” and gain time to work on relationships.

Exercise number 1: relieve stress

This is getting rid of negative emotions: anger, resentment, despair. They should not get stuck in us, destroying relationships from the inside. It is better to get rid of them with a regular pillow. Hit her with all your might, without stopping, scream, swear, let yourself experience pain and let her leave you. To relax as much as possible and not shock others, do it alone.

Exercise number 2: learning to respect other people’s boundaries

The most important thing in the exercise is to learn how to find a balance and respect the wishes of a partner, because there are no people who are ideally suited to each other. Sooner or later, your interests will begin to contradict each other, claims will appear, this is normal. For example, a partner wants to meet friends, but this situation does not suit you. If you start expressing claims to your partner, you will receive a negative response (anger, resentment, withdrawal), that is, an adequate human reaction to violation of boundaries.

If you know you have a tendency to provoke such conflicts, often imagine a situation where your partner forbids you from doing something that you love and that concerns only you. For example: “Don’t you dare wear that red skirt again! I do not like it!” or “Don’t talk to this friend, I’m not happy with the way she affects you.” In this way, you will constantly put yourself in his place and learn to “keep the perimeter.”

An additional bonus for getting rid of unproductive negative emotions and resentment against a partner is Osho’s “mantra for the offended”:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to my nature if I do not like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my offense. Oh, let him see how important it is – my offense, let him receive it as a punishment for his “misconduct.” Because I’m a very, very important turkey.

I don’t value my life. I don’t appreciate her so much that I don’t feel sorry for wasting her precious time on resentment. I will give up a minute of joy, happiness, playfulness, I would rather give this minute to my resentment. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I do not feel sorry for spending years of my life in resentment – because I do not value my life.

I am very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who touched it. I’ll hang a sign on my forehead “Beware of the angry dog”, and let someone try not to notice! I will surround my vulnerability with high walls, I don’t care that what is happening outside is not visible through them – but my vulnerability will be safe.

I’ll make an elephant out of a fly. I will take this half-dead fly of someone else’s blooper, I will react to it with my resentment. I will not write in my diary how beautiful the world is, I will write how meanly they treated me. I will not tell my friends how much I love them, I will devote half an evening to how much they offended me. I will have to pour so much of my own and other people’s strength into a fly so that it becomes an elephant. After all, it is easy to dismiss a fly or even not notice it, but an elephant is not. So I inflate the flies to the size of elephants.

I am a beggar. I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity – to forgive, a drop of self-irony – to laugh, a drop of generosity – not to notice, a drop of wisdom – not to be caught, a drop of love – to accept. I just don’t have those drops because I’m very, very limited and poor.”

Exercise number 3: remember why you fell in love

This is a wonderful exercise for that phase of a relationship when negativity and mutual claims fill the space so much that you stop feeling love for each other. You need to spend 10-15 minutes a day thinking about why you fell in love with your partner. To do this, you need to answer the questions “What do I like about this person?”, “What do our relationships give me?” and “What would my life look like if he wasn’t there?” Usually, the positive emotions that you experience when you think about the happy moments of your life together work to get closer to your partner, and the negative gradually disappears.

Exercise number 4: learning to speak about feelings correctly

Too many couples make the mistake of talking about their feelings out of resentment, anger, and revenge using the unproductive and offensive “you” message. These are phrases like “you piss me off”, “you are irresponsible”, “you constantly disappear somewhere”, “you do not help”. “You-message” is absolutely unproductive, because it only has an accusing function, shifting the responsibility for our emotions to a partner.

In order to convey to a person your desires and feelings and at the same time not to let him instantly go into defense, you need to use the “I-statement”. It gives the partner a signal that you are not attacking, but broadcasting your vision of the situation to him: “I want you to know how I feel and what is important to me, I do not demand anything from you – neither change nor go forward.” For example, if you are offended by someone’s behavior, you can say: “When you go away for more than 2 hours with your friends, I feel abandoned, alone, sad and scared. It seems to me that you are not interested in me and that you do not want to spend time with me.

This position will help to achieve mutual understanding much faster.