Sometimes, while remaining outwardly quite successful, we feel discomfort, a “bad taste”, and sometimes even a desire to punish ourselves. The fact is that there are two systems for assessing our success. External is an objective indicator of success, and internal is my own, self-efficacy. This is an unconsciously present idea in every person that a worthy result is for him. And what is below the bar.
Self-efficacy is a feeling beyond the control of reason. Four types of relationships are possible between internal and external evaluation of the result.
«I’m happy with myself (self-efficacy is high) and I’m happy.» This feeling of greatest joy occurs even before receiving feedback from outside. But even a person who is confident in a good result almost always waits with secret trepidation for external evaluation. So, one successful person, having finished the work, exclaimed: “Ah yes Pushkin, ah yes son of a bitch!”. But later, with trepidation, he brought his «Boris Godunov» to a public trial.
The second type of relationship is “I am dissatisfied with myself, because he worked poorly and did not achieve what he wanted, ”is also often found. Sometimes I can soberly assess that failure is the work of my own hands, and it’s easy to learn a lesson from such a situation: “You need to work more carefully, more carefully,” as M.M. Zhvanetsky. Another thing is if I blame any failure on my ineptitude and bad luck.
The third type of relationship is asymmetric. All is well, I am recognized and respected. But is it really so? Why do people respect me? And do I respect myself? “I am sitting in the presidium, but there is no happiness,” said Rasul Gamzatov. This phenomenon is familiar to anyone over the age of five. At five, it also takes place and is called the “bitter candy” phenomenon.
- Life at full power
In the early 70s, a wonderful experimental psychologist Evgeny Subbotsky at Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov conducted an experiment in which preschoolers participated.
With the help of a special spatula, the child had to get the toy out of the box. If he did this, he received a reward — candy. But the children did not know that the task was unsolvable (the scapula was not suitable for this purpose).
The experimenter left the room, leaving the baby with two options: try to solve the problem according to the proposed rules, or simply take the toy from the box. Upon returning, the psychologist gave all the children who could get the toy the promised candy. On the way home or later, some of the children who received the candy were nervous and even cried and worried. Others don’t. This phenomenon is called «bitter candy». The usual childhood treat, having become an undeserved reward, seemed bitter to some children. Bitter in its personal meaning.
- Presenteeism: when work becomes harmful
The fourth type of relationship: «I can afford to be pleased with myselfjustify yourself and respect yourself, even if you have not achieved success.
5 questions to help you better understand yourself:
1. To what extent do I depend on success? Am I constantly stressed, tired, apathetic? Do I need strong stimuli for strong emotions?
2. How is my sex life? Can I say that I demand from the partner strict compliance with the agreements? What is our relationship based on?
3. Are there places where I can relax and feel good and calm?
4. Am I accustomed to attributing my failures to the unreliability of other people? (Try saying, «In recent months (weeks, years) I’ve experienced several failures. Some of them are my fault.» How do you feel?)
5. What am I working for? Do I like what I create with my work? If it weren’t paid so much for it, would I still be committed to the values that I affirm with my work?