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Hello, dear readers of Valery Kharlamov’s blog! A trouble-free person is considered a positive character, which is worth equaling, because it is so convenient for others. But someone thought about the fact that he had to put aside his desires and needs in order to satisfy strangers? And that he is always ready to help only because he does not know how to say “no”, being afraid of losing his disposition and love. Therefore, today I want to talk about how to politely refuse a person without harming yourself, and maintaining relationships. After all, this is a very important skill, without which there is a high probability of falling into a trap and living like a puppet, which everyone pulls the strings.
Failure Techniques
1. Sympathetic rejection
There are people who try to manipulate the feeling of pity, and there are situations in which it invariably arises. If you feel that you do not want to do something, despite the fact that you are very sorry for the other person, simply declare your sympathy to him, explaining that you cannot help him. If they impose their services on you, arguing that they empathize, say that you are very grateful for the offer, but it is important for you to cope with something on your own in order to test your strength or just be alone.
2. Compromise
This technique allows you to take care of yourself by providing all possible assistance. That is, if certain moments cause you tension, discuss them, explaining that you will not cope with them. If the supplicant really needs your participation, let him make sure that you do not have to step over yourself, or accept the fact that you will join him whenever possible. For example, that you can repair a friend’s car, but only on weekends, when there is free time, if at that moment his wife plays with your children.
3. Diplomacy
It’s like you don’t do what you are asked, but you don’t leave in trouble, suggesting other options for solving the problem, sharing your experience. If you say, “Sorry, I can’t help you at all with this, but I have a friend who specializes in such matters,” then your words are likely to be received with gratitude, not anger. Unless, of course, the interlocutor is not a manipulator who is used to using other people and does not tolerate the word “no”.
4. Straightforward
You should not look for excuses for yourself, especially when refusing to meet. You don’t want to see someone, why “force” yourself and waste time? Just say «no», because excuses leave the opportunity to convince you, to influence the decision. If you don’t want to see someone, why give them too much hope? When trying to pressure, use the “broken record” method, answering the same thing to each phrase, especially helps with obsession. Over time, the interlocutor will get bored with monotony and he will have nothing to cling to in his arguments.
5. Validity
Do not confuse with excuses, in this case you indicate real reasons that will serve as an argument, both to the boss and significant people. The key is to keep your sentences short and clear. For example, “I promised my child to go to the circus, and I can’t replace you at work.” There is even a technique that recommends using as many as three reasons.
6.Delay
For those who can’t afford to be uncomfortable, a delay is a great option. It’s like you don’t state categorically that you won’t do something, and at the same time you don’t agree. It is especially convenient because you can think about the reason for the refusal in your free time, and not “puzzle your head” right away, simply saying: “I had some plans these days, I’ll see if they can be postponed, and then I’ll give the exact answer».
Recommendations
Not your problems
I will say an unpleasant thing, but you are not omnipotent, and they themselves are responsible for the problems and difficulties of other people. Therefore, it is important to get rid of the painful feeling of guilt. If only because you have nothing to do with the situation that arose as a result of certain actions of another person, and only he now decides what to do next. So, if you are reproached for heartlessness, try not to take it as an insult, the person is just angry and trying to manipulate you.
save the relationship
If there is a shadow of your recognition in the request, for example, as a qualified specialist, then be sure to thank the person. Say that you are pleased that you are considered such a pro. Be glad for some changes in the interlocutor, he conceived a repair or decided to go on a trip … It is important that the guilt for the refusal «does not paralyze» the human relationship between you. They can stay warm and close even if you didn’t take part in anything.
Taking care of your interests
Remember that successful people pursue their interests, that’s why they are successful. So think about how much time and opportunity you’ve wasted pleasing others. I am not called to become an egoist, there must simply be a balance in everything. Putting an end to your own interests or not helping others at all are two extremes, and it is better not to allow them.
Turn off the sound at night
If no form of polite explanation helps, and the person allows himself to «pull» you in the middle of the night, then just turn off the sound before you go to bed. And if you are accused of heartlessness and ignoring, clearly mark your boundaries, saying that during your vacation you prefer to ensure your comfort and tranquility, so calling and writing is pointless after 22:00.
Don’t apologize
Do not get carried away with apologies, otherwise you will make it clear to the interlocutor that it is easy to influence you, that you do not respect yourself and your time, and that if you try, you can be “broken”, slightly affecting your emotional state. Namely, the fear of rejection due to inconvenience and guilt, because the world still lives under the motto «Always come to the rescue, even if it is completely contrary to your interests»
Nonverbal
I recommend that you carefully study the article on the methods of non-verbal communication. It will help you understand what postures, gestures and facial expressions should be used in order to feel confident in your abilities.
Evaluate and reject
When you are offered help, and you understand that you don’t need it at all, then, in order not to offend a person, you can say that his services are very valuable to you, but so far you are doing great on your own. And if difficulties or questions suddenly arise, you will have in mind who to contact, and if anything, you will recommend to friends.
excuses
If you come up with excuses related to personal incompetence, then this will provoke evidence to the contrary. After all, then the interlocutor will insist that you try first, assuring that he believes in you. So it will be easier to say that you do not want or do not have free time at all.
Not to be due
And remember, in this world you don’t owe anything to anyone, you do something because you want to, because you care about the other and love him, and this is your choice. It is not uncommon for people to try to impose some kind of work and obligations, dictating what you should, period. The counterargument may be the question, what does he owe you in return?
Conclusion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Do not let yourself be taken advantage of, if you value yourself, then others will have no choice but to follow your example. And just in case, I recommend that you read the article “How to argue and prove the correctness of your opinion to any person?”.
The material was prepared by Zhuravina Alina.