What Every Mother-in-Law Should Understand
You know, I had three … No — four very real mothers-in-law. And with all of them I had a joint life, in turn, of course. With one of them we get along and at the moment. 18 years of experience daughter-in-law! Such an experience should not be wasted. And first of all, for myself, because I am the mother of two guys. And you know what? I’m going to be a great mother-in-law, the best of the best! Not because I want praise and prizes, but because the happiness of my sons depends on it.
lovely women
All my beloved and dear mother-in-laws are absolutely different and different women. The first was an intelligent pianist, a piano teacher in a higher educational institution. She was little worried about banal things like cleaning the apartment, washing and cooking. Art and co-sleeping with the basset hound was above all else. My second mother-in-law is a true business woman and a real energizer. I don’t remember a single time that she was sick or in a bad mood. An optimist and a lover of various adventures. The third real housewife — 5 stars. She always has a variety of non-banal dishes on the table, the apartment is well-groomed, modern and comfortable. At the same time, she herself looks amazing and fresh. In communication, she is incredibly sweet and friendly. The fourth is a workaholic and an active public figure, her soul and body are always where the cheerful company is. Despite the fact that all my mothers-in-law are beautiful women, bright personalities and adored their sons, they all made the same mistakes, which, in one way or another, reduced the quality of relations in their sons’ families.
Therefore, for myself, as a future mother-in-law, I made a list of the top things that a good mother-in-law should do (I’m going to become one, remember?)
Tips for a good mother-in-law
1. Understand that the son’s family is someone else’s family
As soon as the wedding fanfare is played, your son, consider, has left your family. So now his family is a stranger. Related, but not yours. Therefore, you, as a good mother-in-law, should not control this alien family. Imagine that the son’s family is the same family as, for example, the family of your brother, sister, uncle or aunt. Learn to respect boundaries. Do you understand what I mean?
2. Your son became a husband
That is, he has acquired a new quality, and not to accept this is a very great evil. He remained your son, but this is secondary. The most important thing for him now is his wife. He must learn this responsibility himself. Remember how your baby learned to walk. You did not walk instead of him with his feet and did not show him how to properly rearrange his legs. All that had to be done was to let go of his hand in time so that he himself learned to stomp. Think about it.
3. Let kids make mistakes
The desire to help, the desire to prevent the mistakes of children, to save them — these are quite normal feelings. But. Often, a mother does not understand that excessive care only harms her child. Sometimes, if there is no mortal danger behind the action, you need to accept the fact that a person always learns from his own mistakes. Telling “how to do the right thing”, you, firstly, show distrust to your loved ones, doubting that they themselves will figure it out and cope. And secondly, you deliberately leave them in the role of children, preventing adults from growing up. Do you really want to have 30-year-old children in your arms?
4. Do not advise
Always remain a silent sage even in the toughest conflicts. Until you have been asked for advice, do not advise anything. All the same maternal care stubbornly pulls all women to the bottom of stress. Let you sincerely believe that you know better that you want to help and protect, but this is not so! Let me remind you that selfishness is not when you do whatever you want. Selfishness is when you want others to do what you want. Never forget this. And you will see that soon the children themselves will come to you for advice.
5. Stay neutral
In any quarrels and conflicts in the son’s family, remain neutral. Let you see that your son is 100% right and want to support him. Stop and think carefully. Is your angel so innocent? You know very well that in the family always both are to blame. Time will pass, they will reconcile and forget their grievances. But will your position be forgotten? Will they understand, due to their inexperience, your mother’s heart? Unlikely. Remember the joke «Spoons were found, but the sediment remained.» Here is just about it.
6. Don’t scold your daughter-in-law
In every family there comes a moment when the spouses begin to complain about each other to their parents. Whatever happens, resist the temptation to scold your daughter-in-law. When the son reconciles with his wife, he will quickly forget all the reproaches and complaints, but you will remain with this burden. Perhaps you will even start complaining about her and swearing behind her back. And even worse — monotonously and gradually you will show your son what a bad wife he has. Even if you are sure that the daughter-in-law is a real evil and a slut, this is just your opinion. Your son fell in love with this person and considers her the best — this is his choice. Do you trust your child, or do you think that he is dumber than a monkey and has chosen a bad mate for himself?
7. Become a friend to the daughter-in-law
I don’t know a single girl who doesn’t want her mother-in-law to like her. Everyone wants to be liked. It is a fact. But, for some reason, most mothers-in-law are sure that the daughter-in-law is obliged to crawl on her belly in front of the mother-in-law. Is this a revenge for your oppressed past? For me, it is much wiser to love your daughter-in-law and thereby gain an influential friend in the son’s family. Not only will she herself want to share everything that happens with you, she will also activate her husband to visit mommy more often. The main thing in such a relationship is not to be in the position of a dominant and an omniscient guru, but to remain on an equal footing with a young woman. The daughter-in-law can also teach you a lot and give you some advice, enjoy your young, modern, active friend. Or, after all, do you want to amuse your pride, and with the last of your strength you will hold on to the rotten palm of primacy?
I hope I don’t forget my own advice when it’s time to let the boys go their own way. But already now I am trying to come to terms with the idea that they do not belong to me, I can only be an observer in their life. They are strong and independent in their judgments and actions. So was I. I always wanted to be independent and independent from my parents. Therefore, I am learning to trust my sons. And when you need me, I’m always there.