Anger is one of the strongest human emotions, which is considered to be negative and socially unacceptable. This is partly why most people do not know how to handle anger: some try to suppress it, others direct it at themselves, others splash it out. However, psychologists say that being angry is normal and even useful. The main thing is to clearly understand what caused this condition, and use it correctly.
The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle considered anger to be a virtue. In his work “Nicomachean Ethics” it says: “Whoever is angry on a just occasion and on those who deserve it, and, moreover, how it should, when it should, and how much it should, is worthy of praise.”
But Aristotle did not have to live in our day, when articles about the connection between anger and heart disease are everywhere.
He didn’t see David Banner (note: a character from the Marvel Comics universe) turn into a giant green monster called the Hulk when he gets angry. Aristotle didn’t know what it was like to be on the fast lane side by side with aggressive drivers.
Today, many consider anger to be a negative and completely meaningless emotion. According to a survey devoted to this topic, 28% of participants said that it is unacceptable to be angry, because anger is harmful or useless. We hardly like ourselves when we’re angry, and we certainly don’t enjoy being around angry people.
Nevertheless, Aristotle is right. Anger can be beneficial, primarily because it protects ourselves, our relationships, and our view of the world. In the endless battle between “right” and “wrong,” bodily expressions of anger serve to let us know that something is wrong.
Try to imagine anger as a police officer who goes to the scene of a crime.
We live in a world of goals and expectations. Some are purely personal: let’s say we expect to be promoted or hope that loved ones will not forget about our birthday. Others are dictated by social standards: we believe that everyone should wait patiently for their turn at the bank teller.
When someone or something goes against our expectations or gets in the way of our goals, we get angry. Try imagining the anger as a police officer coming to the scene of a crime. He makes a remark, writes out a protocol and says: “It’s impossible! It is forbidden!”
This guy is always on the lookout. Because it’s impossible not to get angry.
When our inner cop shows up for the right reasons and responds to the situation in the right way, he is useful. If he stops the violator and explains to him how such problems are solved, the emotion works normally. On the other hand, if he is an unbalanced type who just shoots to kill, or a cowardly novice who does not know how to handle weapons, he begins to harm.
How to deal with anger
To determine in which cases anger is useful, it is necessary to consider this emotion from all sides: why we are angry and how we behave in this state. Let’s say you’re angry because you spent an hour fumbling with dirty dishes, while your spouse sat quietly in front of the TV. You are outraged, because you also do not mind watching TV and did not wait for help with the housework.
The more you think about it, the more you become convinced that you are rightfully angry. You boil, blood pulsing in your temples, wet hands clench into fists. How will you do it? There are three ways to express anger: push it in, vent it, or control it.
The first option: to fly into the living room, plop down on the sofa with a stone face and stubbornly refuse to explain to your spouse what happened. There is nothing good in this way of expressing anger.
The second option is to burst into the living room and start throwing freshly washed dishes on the floor. This scenario will also not benefit you or the plates.
But there is a third option: come in calmly and explain what makes you angry and how to fix it. Then you turn your anger to your advantage. Study participants described controlled anger as a state of enlightenment. It helps to see each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Being angry can change a lot in a relationship.
If you choose the third way and manage your anger, the statistics of heart attacks and early deaths will lose their meaning. On the contrary, the first way, when anger is driven inward, can lead to depression. Studies note that women who consistently suppress anger are three times more likely to die prematurely than those who do not.
The second scenario, where violence and aggression are involved, is dangerous for relationships. The third way to express anger is good for us and for the relationship. The state itself says that something is wrong, and if we want to stay with this person, it is better to understand the situation. It will really benefit both.
A study by the Department of Psychology and Social Hygiene at the University of Michigan found that couples who express anger productively live longer than those who try to suppress it. But what to do if the case has taken such an unfavorable turn that it is impossible to talk heart to heart?
Anger and control
Anger is considered an extremely negative emotion, mainly because we cannot always control it. Some theorists believe that anger has a “scale of utility.”
But it might be worth going beyond the theory and thinking about how to make it useful. For example, you lose your temper when cars rush through an intersection without even slowing down. You would like drivers to pay attention to children crossing the road and riding bicycles.
You can yell and honk to try to stop the violators, but standing at the crossing all day, watching the reckless drivers and waving your arms is far from the best way to manage anger.
It is much more effective to contact the local traffic police department and demand the installation of restrictive signs or traffic lights in a dangerous area. This is the simplest example of how anger can lead to positive changes in society.
There are other global examples: the civil rights movement or the women’s suffrage movement. By becoming the initiator of change, you regain control over the situation.
The bodily reaction of anger is very similar to the reaction of fear. The body releases these same chemicals to prepare for a fight-or-flight action. But if we choose to accept the challenge, anger is definitely stronger than fear.
Carnegie Mellon University psychologist Jennifer Lerner argues that in a stressful situation, anger is more productive than fear because it gives a sense of control and instills optimism. During the experiment, experts analyzed the facial expressions of the participants, noting the manifestations of both emotions.
Those who felt fear more often had higher blood pressure and stress hormone levels. Another study by the same psychologist found that those who responded to the 11/XNUMX attacks with anger rather than fear were more optimistic and soberly assessed the risk of similar attacks in the near future.
Perhaps some thought that these people had lost the ability to think, that rage clouded their brains. Anger does change thinking, but according to recent research, it changes for the better. An experiment conducted at the University of California at Santa Barbara showed that it is easier for angry people to distinguish between strong and weak arguments. Those who were not angry could be persuaded by any argument. It turns out that anger helps to focus on the important and make an informed decision.
What to do if anger is directed at yourself
Anger is not in vain associated with the flame: it also goes out without fuel. Unbridled anger, like a flame, grows and leads to monstrous destruction and victims. But anger, like a flame, can be noticed in time, tamed and turned into an assistant.
The fuel that fuels anger comes from a variety of sources: problems at home or at work, the imperfection of the world, our own inability to cope with difficulties. Interestingly, one of the largest sources of fuel for anger is self-sabotage, our actions, sometimes involuntary, that maintain this state. Do we really want to be angry?
Anger is an extremely powerful and sometimes insidious emotion, especially for those who try to appear strong, cool and balanced. For those who lack joy or pleasure, the excitement caused by anger often becomes one of the brightest sensations in life. They seem to prefer feeling bad rather than feeling nothing.
Another form of self-sabotage is to turn anger against yourself, and in a physical sense.
It turns out that we ourselves gradually kindle the flame of our anger. How? One way is to seek fellowship with other angry people. They are everywhere, just go to the Internet or walk around the area.
You can easily find gangs, forums and hate groups that welcome manifestations of anger in every possible way. Do you want to vent your anger? Join us, you are one of us.
Another form of self-sabotage is to turn anger against yourself, and in a physical sense.
Sometimes this manifests itself in ordinary, culturally acceptable habits, like smoking and drinking, sometimes worse, anger results in addiction to drugs or a tendency to self-harm. Some stop paying attention to personal hygiene or eat without measure and drive themselves to obesity.
Some stop taking life-saving drugs or drive recklessly.
There is an excuse for every type of behavior, but in fact they all feed on the desire to maintain internal anger, although we are not fully aware of this. The more we are drawn into such habits, the less attractive we are to others.
Accordingly, we are increasingly angry at others for being criticized, oppressed and misunderstood!
The third sign of self-sabotage is the way you get into trouble and, again, shift the blame onto others. Sometimes we enter a relationship based on personal ideas of what a partner “should” be, or get a job under the influence of fantasies of illusory prospects. Sometimes we take on a project without taking into account either our own skills or the likely costs.
The cycle of anger can be stopped. Instead of bullying yourself or others, you should try to express thoughts and feelings in a different way.
In any of the above cases, we are setting ourselves up for failure. However, when we fail, we vehemently blame our partner, boss, or the world. We don’t always recognize our anger. But if people pull away or ask why we are so angry or angry, it means that we need to think about our behavior. Self-sabotage is destructive and painful: if its symptoms become too noticeable, it may be time to contact an anger management specialist.
The cycle of anger can be stopped. Instead of bullying yourself or others, you should try to express thoughts and feelings in a different way. Learn to build relationships with people without hurting anyone.
You can direct anger in a constructive direction! But you can’t be angry all the time and expect improvements. In anger, as in everything, you need to know the measure. It is important to understand why we lose our temper and how we deal with it. Let’s remember Aristotle: to be angry when it is necessary, how much it is necessary and how it is necessary.