The art of manipulation. How to read other people’s minds and quietly control them (Henrik Fexeus)

I believe in the ability to read other people’s minds. I believe one hundred percent. There is nothing complicated about this, for me, reading the minds of strangers is like listening to how they speak. And I don’t see any mystery in it. Reading minds is as natural as eating or breathing. In fact, we all read minds, only we do it unconsciously. Some people do it better, some worse, some use this talent, some don’t. But I’m sure we can all develop this natural ability.

How long or short …

A warning

Don’t take everything too seriously!

I just want to clarify one important point. I do not claim that everything written in this book is true. It is just as subjective as Christianity, Buddhism, and Darwin, so take it as a source of practical advice. Different people interpret facial expressions and gestures differently — these are the keys to the perception of reality. Each person builds his own model of understanding the world, based on religion, philosophy or scientific data. Someone does not perceive psychology as a science, someone thinks that my concept is too simplified. I do not require you to believe what I teach, nor do I claim that my concept is the ultimate truth. I’m just saying that if you use the models I have proposed, you will get interesting results, which is what you were looking for when you opened this book — to satisfy your curiosity.

Chapter one. In which we will find out what “mind reading” is, what mistakes Descartes made and where our journey will begin …

Mind reading?! We reveal the concept

I believe in the ability to read other people’s minds. I believe one hundred percent. There is nothing complicated about this, for me, reading the minds of strangers is like listening to how they speak. And I don’t see any mystery in it. Reading minds is as natural as eating or breathing. In fact, we all read minds, only we do it unconsciously. Some people do it better, some worse, some use this talent, some don’t. But I’m sure we can all develop this natural ability. We know that we read minds, we know how to do it, which means we can do it better. That’s what this book is about. But what do I mean by «mind reading»? What do I mean when I say «we do this every day unknowingly»? What is it really?

To begin with, I will note something that does not apply to the process of reading thoughts in my understanding. In psychology, they call «mind reading» (in English, mind reading) the phenomenon, as a result of which so many married couples find themselves at the reception of a psychotherapist — this happens when partners believe that one should know the thoughts of the other.

“If he really loves me, then he must understand that I didn’t want to go to that party. So what if I said yes? He should have guessed that I didn’t want to.»

«He doesn’t care about me if he doesn’t understand how I feel.»

Demanding another person to know your thoughts is the height of egocentrism. No less dangerous is a situation in which a person believes that he knows the thoughts of another, but in reality only projects his own thoughts onto his behavior.

«No, she will hate me!»

“She smiles like she did something stupid. As I thought!»

This projection is often referred to as «Othello’s fallacy» and will not be discussed in this book.

Descartes’ mistake

In order to understand the mind-reading process and its principles, one important concept must first be defined. The philosopher, mathematician and scientist René Descartes, this giant of thought of the 1650th century, was the author of revolutionary transformations in the field of mathematics and Western European philosophical thought — transformations that we still use today. Descartes died in XNUMX as a result of pneumonia in Stockholm, where he arrived at the invitation of Queen Christina. Descartes had a habit common to all French philosophers: to work in his warm and soft bed. The cold stone floor of the Swedish castle turned out to be a fatal test for his health. Among a whole series of clever thoughts, Descartes has many errors. Shortly before his death, he declared that the body and mind are different things, not related to each other. It would seem that nothing could be more stupid than this statement, but even earlier he managed to say: «Cogito ergo sum» («I think, therefore I exist») — a saying as absurd as his entire belief that a person consists of two substances, physical and spiritual.

Of course, even at that time there were people who understood that Descartes had made a mistake, but their timid voices were drowned in stormy jubilation about the «genius» of the scientist. Only in our time have biologists and psychologists been able to prove the exact opposite: that our body and our brain are inseparable from each other. But, despite the scientifically substantiated facts, we still believe in the nonsense spoken by Descartes. Most of us, often unconsciously, draw an invisible line between body and mind. To understand the contents of this book, you will have to come to terms with the fact that the human mind and body are one, no matter how hard it is to believe.

This is a scientifically proven fact.

Every thought you have finds a physical expression in your body. A thought creates an electrical impulse in the brain cells, which send signals to each other. Each signal is different. For example, if this thought has already crossed your mind, the signal will be familiar and just repeated. A new thought activates a new constellation of brain cells, which in turn can trigger the release of hormones in the body or affect the body’s autonomic nervous system, which controls breathing, pupil size, circulation, perspiration, and so on.

All thoughts, one way or another, affect the body. Sometimes this influence is pronounced, sometimes barely noticeable. For example, when you are afraid, your mouth becomes dry and blood rushes to your leg muscles so that you can flee as quickly as possible. If, on the other hand, when you see a cashier in a supermarket, erotic fantasies arise in your head, you will immediately feel arousal in your body. Even if the physical reaction is hard to see, it is always present.

That is why, judging by the appearance, we can determine how a person feels, what he thinks and what he is afraid of. By developing your observational abilities, you will be able to see what you simply did not pay attention to before.

Soul and body

Each of our thoughts is reflected in our body. Just like everything that happens in our body is reflected in our thoughts. Don’t believe? Then see for yourself by doing this simple exercise.

• Clench your teeth tightly.
• Furrow your brows.
• Look at one point in front of you.
• Stay in this position for 10 seconds.

In just a few seconds, you will feel angry. Why? What you have just done usually happens by itself to a person who is angry. Feelings are not in my head, no. Like our thoughts, feelings are born in the body. Engage the muscles associated with emotions and you will activate the senses, start a mental process, which, in turn, will affect your body again. In this case, we are talking about the autonomic nervous system. You may not have noticed that during this exercise, your pulse quickened by 10-15 beats, blood rushed to your hands, which made them warmer and a slight tingling appeared in them. How did it happen? By doing the exercise, you have signaled to your nervous system that you are angry. Voila! She immediately responded appropriately.

The principle works both ways. If you think about it, there is nothing surprising in this, everything is simple and logical. By thinking we influence our body. By acting, we influence our thoughts. If this still seems strange to you, perhaps the fact is that by body you mean a physical object, and by thought a process, while our body and our thoughts are one single biological process. Trust me, Descartes was wrong!

Unconscious and unconscious

As I said, our body and our mind interact, moreover, they are one. Realizing this fact, we are a few steps closer to learning to read the minds of other people. And for this you need, first of all, to learn how to observe other people and notice even minor physical reactions. In my understanding, reading thoughts means seeing the physical reflection of the processes taking place inside a person. Some of its characteristics remain unchanged (body build, posture, voice timbre), but much changes in the course of a conversation — that system of variable linguistic signs (body movements, gestures, gaze, intonation and speech rate), which we call non-verbal communication (Non-verbal communication ( non-verbal communication — subtle but important body language, such as changes in skin color, pupil size, swallowing — Note ed.).

It’s hard to believe, but most communication between two people happens without words. Words make up only 10 percent of the entire communication process, the remaining 90 percent is body language and voice intonation. The paradox is that we still pay attention mainly to what exactly we were told and in what terms, and not to how it was said. In other words, non-verbal communication is often not realized by people and is also perceived unconsciously.

«How so?» — you ask. Is it possible to communicate without realizing it? Naturally, you can. When speaking, we focus all our attention on the words. We do not look closely at how the pupils of the interlocutor move, how the expression of his face changes, what gestures he makes. Only in exceptional cases, obvious signs (for example, anger: clenched fists, furrowed eyebrows) are simply impossible to miss. Without realizing it, a person all the time receives different information (hidden suggestions, hints, questions, wishes), but does not pay attention to it, and therefore simply cannot use it, and after all, all of it goes straight to that part of the brain where his unconscious fears, prejudices, unconscious ideas about the world, which in the future can play a cruel joke with his subconscious.

It is time to notice that a person communicates with the whole body, and not just with words. Every gesture, every eye movement or change in voice is a message to his interlocutor. The brain perceives all these signals (tone, smells, gestures, words), transforms them into non-verbal, unconscious messages, from which the response behavior is formed. Often a person, without realizing it, gives unexpected and illogical answers — directly opposite to those that the interlocutor expects from him. In fact, this is the work of the subconscious. That is why we are able to understand that a person who is kind in words actually does not like us — our subconscious mind perceives hostile signals.

But the system called the subconscious processes so much information, so much to accept and understand, that it is not surprising when it stimulates erroneous conclusions. A person simply physically cannot see everything, distinguish all the nuances and interpret all the signals, and this leads him to misunderstanding and incorrect judgments. To save you from unnecessary fears, this book will always come to your aid.

You already know how to do it, but there is no limit to perfection

Let’s look at what we do (consciously or not) in the process of communicating with each other. To learn to read minds, you need to correctly interpret the signals that others unconsciously send, and control your own in order to avoid misunderstandings. The quality of communication depends on your choice of those linguistic signs that are most easily understood and can be correctly interpreted by your interlocutor. But aerobatics will be the ability to send signals that will set people up to go in the direction you indicate and want what you want from them. Do you think this is immoral? But you are already doing it. Unconsciously. The only difference is that right now you don’t know what kind of signals you are sending and how they affect your environment.

The time has come to change that. And I can help you with this. In this book, all the knowledge that you can easily put into practice in achieving your goals is presented in an accessible form. I just bought a bunk bed from Ikea for my kids. If in addition to it I was handed an eleven-page instruction manual, where the first ten pages told how wonderful it is to have a bed, and on the eleventh it would be: “You have everything to assemble a bed! Feel free to proceed and do not forget the mattress, ”I would be upset and, with a screwdriver in my hands, would climb on the first Ikea employee that came across to me. Unfortunately, most books are exactly like this imaginary manual. Throughout the book, the author promises to tell how to do it in order to achieve the result, but does not teach the reader anything. We still don’t know what exactly needs to be done to become better than we are. I hope my book is different, because my goal is to make it as simple and practical as an Ikea furniture manual. After reading the book to the end, you will understand what I mean. You will be able to try out different mind reading methods and build your own communication model (and you don’t need a screwdriver).

Last but not least, everything in this book is not my own. All this was thought up before me by such giants of thought as Milton H. Erickson, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, Desmond Morris and Paul Ekman, Ernest Dichter, Wens Packard, William Sargent, Philip Zimbardo, William James and others. Without them, this book would not exist.

Chapter two. In which you learn to speak English, ride a bike and make friends without saying a single word

Rapport: What is it and why is it needed

Learning to understand the thoughts of other people, first of all, is necessary in order to create rapport (French rapport). This concept has nothing to do with either the military word «report» or journalistic reporting. Rapport is an internationally accepted term used to describe the nonverbal communication we will be using We establish rapport when communicating with people, regardless of whether it is friendly or business communication, the presentation of a new project or flirting with a pretty cashier in a supermarket. In all of these cases, we need to establish rapport in order to be successful.

The French word «rapport» comes from «rapprochement», which means «creating (recreating) harmony and friendliness in relationships.» In other words, establishing rapport means creating a trusting relationship with another person, encouraging him to cooperate with us, empathize with us, empathize and share his thoughts. Useful skill, right?

Rapport is the foundation of good communication, at least if you want to be heard. If you want to convey a message or request to another person (even if that other person is your child who you are asking to unload the dishwasher) without first establishing rapport, then you can not count on being heard. Rapport is a guarantee of a good relationship (not excluding love ones), without it, don’t even try to start flirting — it still won’t work.

We are constantly trying to establish rapport with the people around us, and sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don’t. By studying successful cases, we can learn to establish rapport even with people who are opposed to us. Paradoxically, but most often our career, future and even personal life depend on people who do not like us. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the main boss for once in his life understood exactly what you mean and what your proposal is, and began to have at least a little respect for you.

“What does rapport have to do with mind reading?” — you ask. The most immediate. By observing people and creating rapport, you learn to see more: how they think, how they look at the world, how they feel. This is where mind reading begins.

The basic rule for establishing rapport

You will be surprised how simple it is. Do not rush to laugh: this rule is based on a deep understanding of how a person functions. So, the main rule of creating rapport: you need to adapt to the communication that your interlocutor makes. Anyone who has worked in the field of advertising knows that the rules of the game in it are always determined by the end consumer. The same is present in communication, and now we will look at this in more detail.

By adapting to another person, you gain two advantages at once. Firstly, it is easier for your interlocutor to understand what you are talking about, because you know the language of a similar non-verbal communication. His subconscious does not try to translate your signals into conceptual symbols, because you both already speak the same language. The interlocutor no longer needs to «filter» the information coming from you, which means that the risk of misunderstanding is close to zero.

The second advantage is that the interlocutor begins to feel sympathy for you. This is easily explained: by adjusting to the type of communication of another person, you thereby demonstrate that you are similar to him (or her). And people like people who look like them. Who do we love the most in the world? That’s right, yourself. Who else do we love besides ourselves? Those who are like us. We want to associate with people who are like us, who see the world through our eyes, who like the same things that we do. Research shows that we hire people who are similar in character to us. We choose as close friends people with whom we are as comfortable as with ourselves.

Here it is time to make a small digression. Advising you to adapt to the interlocutor at the beginning of communication, I do not urge you to forget about your own personality. People in one way or another must adapt to each other, but without prejudice to their own personality. You need to forget about selfishness and be the first to take the initiative (adapt), because it is you who realize why you need a good relationship with this person, and not he (she). This is as polite a gesture as speaking to a foreigner in English instead of Russian. It is you who choose the most convenient way of communication for the interlocutor. Mirroring the interlocutor (repeating his movements, copying him), you seem to join his thoughts and feelings (Mirroring (mirroring) — adjusting to human behavior to establish rapport. — Note ed.). Speaking to a foreigner in English, you inform him: “I am the same as you. You can rely on me. I understand you».

Once you have established rapport, you can gradually change your behavior to bring about a corresponding change in the other person’s behavior. Now there is no need to slavishly follow another person — he will gladly follow you. This is how good rapport works. We take turns adjusting to each other, scientifically speaking, we connect and lead.

Matching is a subtle response to one or more of the following: facial expression, posture, gestures, eye access cues, intonation, speech rate and pitch, predicates. — Note. ed.

Leading — Establishing rapport with another person and then changing one’s own behavior for the other to follow. — Note. ed.

You will see for yourself that communication in English with a foreigner will be easier than in your native language, and you will very soon find mutual understanding. Try to speak persistently with an Englishman in Russian, and he will begin to experience obvious antipathy towards you. But when the rapport is already established, the foreigner will not mind trying to communicate with you in his clumsy Russian.

Someone with whom you have established rapport is more receptive to your ideas and suggestions. This is not surprising, because you yourself are always at the same time with those who you like.

Once rapport is established, the person you like will listen to your words and agree with them, wondering how you were able to read their own thoughts. To be against you for him will be tantamount to being against himself.

Having established rapport, you can begin to manipulate the interlocutor. Your goal is to get him into a mood where he is most positive about all your ideas and suggestions. When I say «manipulate» I don’t mean anything bad. It is only about preparing a person to make the decision you need, and not about a command or order. Nothing will force a person to accept your offer if he is strongly opposed to him, but with established rapport he will continue to feel sympathy for you, whereas if there is no rapport he might dislike you. No, we do not control anyone, we do not deceive anyone, we do not program for our ideas or views. We only create relationships that are positive for all participants, within which we can communicate in one language and achieve favorable conditions for all parties. Our goal is to make sure that the interlocutor can evaluate all the advantages of our offer and make the right decision. And we achieve this using the timbre of the voice and body language.

When you need rapport

It’s never too late to establish rapport. For example, you have a very bad relationship with someone and you want to fix it. Start building rapport the next time you meet. Of course, it is difficult to change the situation at once, but by continuing to try at each new meeting, you will soon begin to notice changes for the better. Of course, there are people with whom it is almost impossible to establish rapport and with whom you do not want to have any relationship. This happens too, and that’s okay. It is not necessary to establish rapport with everyone.

I have already mentioned several situations when you need to establish rapport, and here are more examples:

• when you want to improve your relationship with your partner (and finally understand what exactly he/she has been trying to tell you all these years);
• when you want to regain the respect of your children (which you have lost);
• when you are in contact with the authorities;
• when you run into people you depend on, people who can give you trouble, such as at work, at the bank, or at the post office;
• when they call you on the phone and offer to buy something (here we are talking more about anti-rapport);
• when you go to a job interview.

At work, it is very important to be able to establish rapport. American expert on the activities of the organization Elaina Zucker says:

“You have to constantly fight for resources, often with your own colleagues. In doing so, you just need to have a good relationship with the key people responsible for allocating resources.

To succeed in a leadership position, you need to be an open and friendly conversationalist. A boss who «blows his line» without listening to anyone around him risks alienating both his subordinates and other leaders from himself. Today, bosses are required to competently manage people, and without rapport this cannot be done.

To sell innovative and creative solutions, you first need to be a good communicator. No matter how good your ideas are, they won’t work if you don’t know how to convince people.

Usually at work you have people below you in the ranks and above you. In both cases, it will be useful for you to establish rapport in order to achieve your goal.

In horizontal organizations, you have more responsibility than real power, and the key to success in them is cooperation between colleagues. This is where rapport comes in handy.

Your talents, your professional experience, your skills are nothing compared to your ability to establish rapport. The situation on the labor market today is changing every day. At any moment you may be offered a new interesting job, but no one needs an expert who cannot communicate.”

You already know how. Remember that you are already unconsciously using many of the methods I talk about, you just don’t notice it. And for sure you can do it better, you just need to bring out the hidden abilities and polish them until they sparkle like gems. After that, you can return them to the subconscious area again. That’s why you don’t have to be afraid of the redundant information in this book: you already know almost everything, you just need to practice a little. I suggest doing it in the following way.

The first stage: unconscious ignorance.

Classic example: a bicycle. “I don’t know how to ride a bike and I don’t know what it is to ride a bike.”

The second stage: conscious ignorance.

«I can’t ride a bike, but I know what it is and I know I can’t.»

The third stage: conscious knowledge.

«I can ride a bike, but I need to concentrate.»

The fourth stage: unconscious knowledge.

«I can ride a bike and do it with ease.»

The real learning begins in Stage XNUMX, which is where you are. But we will have to take a step back to hone our existing skills and acquire new ones. You need to go from the third stage to the fourth again. And you have time. Gradually, you will bring the exercises to automatism, that is, you will move on to the fourth stage. Don’t try to do everything at once. Thoughtfully and slowly work on yourself. Enjoy the process! Learn new things! I assure you, you will love it once you realize how easy and fun it is!

Chapter three. Which contains different methods, with their help you can achieve what you want

Rapport in practice. Use unconscious communication consciously

Take a deep breath. You will get so much information in the form of facts, methods and techniques for establishing rapport from this chapter and from the following ones that your head will spin. You will learn about everything you could possibly need, from body language to outlook on life. Of course, you will have to put all this into practice, and the sooner you start, the better. But only without haste: do the exercise at the rhythm in which you are comfortable.

Don’t be afraid to be «caught in the act» when trying to establish rapport. I assure you, no one will object to communicating with a pleasant and amiable interlocutor who thinks the same way. Remember, no one in your environment will most likely notice what you are doing there secretly.

Move your body! How to use body language

I have already said that we create rapport by adjusting to the interlocutor. We do this in several ways. First, by mirroring the movements of the interlocutor, that is, using body language. I don’t like the expression «body language» myself. The word «language» evokes associations with what can be learned from textbooks and dictionaries. Of course, there are body language textbooks. In them you can read that the little finger set aside means this, and tapping with the left foot means that. Unfortunately, everything is not as simple as it seems. Our gestures mean different things in different situations. For example, you have probably heard that folded hands mean «doubt / distrust», but this completely ignores the context in which the person performs this action.

You yourself probably thought that the interlocutor, crossing his arms over his chest, thereby demonstrates how angry he is. But perhaps he was cold at that moment, and he folded his arms to keep warm. Or he just felt more comfortable standing with his arms crossed over his chest. To know the true thoughts of a person, arms crossed is not enough, you need to look for other signals. Is he tense or relaxed? What is his facial expression? Is it cold or warm in the room? Have you been arguing up to this point, or were you talking peacefully?

That’s why I don’t like the phrase «body language». I would replace it with another concept, such as «body communication», although that sounds a little awkward. But I will not overload the dictionary of psychologists, already overloaded with terms, and will use what I have. Just let’s agree: the term «body language» means much more than just crossed arms or set aside the little finger.

Mirroring and Attaching

How to use body language to build rapport? Everything is very simple: you need to repeat, you must become an echo of your interlocutor. How? Carefully observe the interlocutor: how he holds his back, how his hands are folded, etc. — and do the same. If the person moves with one hand, you repeat the movement. This can be done in two ways, which are called joining (matching, from the English match — to match) and mirroring. Often both methods are called joining, since they have the same effect. You can choose a method depending on the behavior of the interlocutor. If the interlocutor moves his right hand, you also move the right hand — this is an attachment, it is convenient to use it when you are in close proximity to your interlocutor, for example, sitting next to him. When mirroring, you react with the opposite side of your body: he moves his right hand, you move your left, like a reflection in a mirror. Mirroring is good to use when you are standing or sitting opposite each other.

Your reaction must be very subtle. If you too obviously repeat the movements of the interlocutor, he, of course, will find such a sharp change strange and unnatural, in contrast to your usual behavior. If you suddenly start copying the movements of the interlocutor, then you will not be able to establish rapport, as the person will have doubts about your mental state.

You need to adjust to the interlocutor carefully and imperceptibly. Move in small steps. Determine the rhythm, relying on the reaction of the interlocutor. If he looks interested and relaxed, you can safely resort to the technique of joining or mirroring.

At the beginning of communication, you can use the so-called representational system (Representative system (representation system) — a way of encoding sensory information: visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, gustatory. — Note ed.). This means that you repeat the movements of the interlocutor to a small extent (that is, coding, masking them). For example, he crossed his arms over his chest, and you only cover your right hand with your left hand. So the interlocutor will not notice that you are trying to adapt to him.

Another way to disguise your actions is to slow them down (for example, pause before repeating the interlocutor’s action). The counterpart’s subconscious will register your actions and interpret them correctly, while he himself will not notice your attempt to establish rapport.

You can also copy the facial expression of the interlocutor. After all, a person cannot see how he looks in the minute of a conversation with you. But his face often reflects thoughts and emotions (body and mind are interconnected — do not forget about it). Seeing your facial expression, he understands that you feel the same as him. Since we can’t see our face, we won’t be able to notice that someone is copying his expression. You just need to be careful to accurately interpret the expression on the person’s face. Some people look angry or sad the moment they are just relaxed.

Only then will everything look natural. Try to adjust also to the rhythm of the movements of your interlocutor. Your movements should be interactive, as during a handshake: a slow person shakes hands slowly, and vice versa. Other movements (for example, a nod of the head) must also be performed in the rhythm characteristic of the interlocutor. Later I will explain how to feel its rhythms most quickly.

Don’t think too much

As I already wrote, our actions are not unambiguously interpreted by different people, but still each of them tends to use the same gestures in similar situations. Don’t try to interpret the other person’s gestures the first time you meet, instead just observe. Note the movement of the left leg, but do not rush to conclusions: this does not mean that your interlocutor is nervous. After some time, you will learn to associate a certain movement with the state of a person. As you master the body language of your interlocutor, you will soon notice that you have begun to guess his next word. So the mind reading has begun!

When you watch other people, you will notice something that they themselves do not notice — changes in their body language. For example, when we are afraid, our face turns pale. When we are embarrassed, we blush, but it is not always the face that blushes, sometimes only the ears or forehead blush. Dilated pupils indicate interest and attraction, but we will talk about this later.

What to do if the interlocutor gives clear signals of rejection? Do they need to be repeated? There is no consensus here. Some people think that this should not be done, and some believe that there is nothing wrong with it, since rapport will be the means that will make a person change his mind. When rapport is established, you can gradually change gestures to less negative ones, thus influencing the interlocutor. But I do not recommend doing this. If the situation is too tense, it is better to change the interlocutor than to try to save the situation.

body language as medicine

As I said, one of the purposes of establishing rapport is the ability to get a person to do what you want, or rather, lead him to do it. Rapport creates all the conditions for the fulfillment of your desires, unless, of course, disconnection occurs (Disconnection (mismatching) — the use of behavior patterns that destroy the established rapport. — Note ed.). Remember: by changing the body language of the interlocutor, you change his attitude towards you. The body and mind are interconnected — what happens in the body is interpreted in the head.

This circumstance can be used to improve relationships with friends and relatives. You can easily do it yourself. For example, you have a friend who often suffers from bouts of melancholy for no particularly good reason (for example, salary was delayed or the day turned out to be cloudy). Try to imitate his body language, but in more subtle (restrained) movements. This is necessary to establish rapport and let your friend know that you are at one with him, that you know how he is. Once rapport is established, start changing body language signs to be more open, more positive, and do it gradually. Straighten your back, move your arms, smile. You will see, soon a friend will begin to repeat after you. Feel that the contact is lost — go back a step and start again. Move carefully: two steps forward, one step back.

By changing the body language of a sad person, you have changed their mood. There is no melancholy. It is difficult to walk with a straight back and smile while maintaining a bad mood. Try it yourself and see for yourself!

But remember, this technique does not help if the person is really severely depressed. Then he just needs to cry. Suffering is a state of the body that allows you to save energy, while our brain thinks through the situation and looks for a way out. If you try to establish rapport with a deeply depressed person, you may prevent him from processing the situation, which is necessary to get out of depression. Rapport will only help with mild sadness.

At first, it may seem to you that you are doing something unnatural, that it is not you, but someone else is trying to establish rapport. But remember how you learned to ride a bike. At first it was difficult, but soon you were pedaling boldly, not understanding how this simple task could seem so difficult. This is how the fourth stage is reached, when cycling has become unconscious knowledge, part of the person himself, as the technique of creating rapport becomes part of him. You just need to start.

Exercises of movements

1. The next time you visit a restaurant, pay attention to the people between whom rapport is established. Choose a couple of lovers or a couple of old friends and see how they take turns leading each other, how they copy body language, how they understand each other perfectly.

2. Pay attention to their postures: most likely, they will even sit in the same way.

3. On a bus, tram or subway car, try to guess who is traveling together. Hint: they will sit the same and move the same. You will always find a couple or friends in love, even if they did not manage to sit next to each other on a crowded bus.

Exercises for the Shy

If you are still embarrassed to repeat the movements of the interlocutor, try the following exercises.

1. Watch a talk show on TV. Take the same posture as the speaker and repeat his movements. Soon you will notice that you can guess what this person will say in the next moment. There is nothing strange in this: movements express our thoughts. By repeating movements after someone, you start the same mental processes in yourself and begin to think and feel like him.

2. Try to establish rapport from a distance. When in a public place, pick an object on the other side of the room and start imitating their body language. After a couple of minutes, he (or she) can easily come up to you and ask: “Do we happen to know each other?” How else? After all, you are a mirror image of this person. Therefore, it is better to choose someone with whom you would be pleased to communicate, and not some nasty type. This method can be used to meet a beautiful girl (handsome young man).

3. You can get rid of the fear of “being caught at the scene of a crime” by allowing the interlocutor to tell about himself. While he talks enthusiastically about himself, you openly copy the signs of his body language, occasionally repeating «uh-huh» and «mm» to show interest. When we talk about ourselves (and also when we are very angry), we abstract from the world around us. At such a moment, we talk about ourselves and for ourselves, not noticing anyone and nothing around.

How do you say? How do you use your voice?

An important tool for creating rapport is your own voice. The secret is the same: you imitate the intonations of the interlocutor and the rhythm of his speech. Of course, this must be done carefully (not so obviously) and gradually, as with signs of body language, and it is not necessary to create a XNUMX% copy, because it will seem strange to your companion if you suddenly speak exactly like him. In addition, it is very difficult to imitate someone else’s voice, which is why there are so few people who can imitate the speech of famous people. But there is always one trait you can imitate.

Tone

Is the voice low or high? Men often have a low voice, while women have a high voice, and this is influenced by the culture of the society in which we live. It seems to women that they should speak femininely, that is, in a high and sonorous voice, while men do their best to make their voice low and goo.e.m. As a result, we often speak with excessive effort, indistinctly and inexpressively.

Depth

An interesting fact: we believe that a deep, low voice belongs to a serious person who can be trusted, while a high voice is associated with feminine frivolity or childishness.

Melodiousness

The monotone voice does not change in the course of speech, even in interrogative or exclamatory sentences. Therefore, it is often difficult to understand what a person with such a voice really means: is he joking or talking seriously? Asking or asserting? Opposite to it is considered a melodic voice, rich in tints, melodious and expressive.

Pace

Is the person talking fast or slow? We speak at the same pace as we think, and if you speak too slowly, your interlocutor gets tired and starts thinking about something else. At worst, he can’t wait for you to finally finish. If you speak too fast, there is a risk that your interlocutor will not have time to catch all the important points.

Strength, volume

I recommend choosing this particular trait to follow. Someone who speaks softly and quietly will appreciate if you do the same (this also applies to a loud, resonant voice). By the way, if you want the interlocutor to speak quieter, you need to try to speak even louder — and he will immediately pay attention to the timbre of his voice (usually people do not notice this).

As you can see, there are many characteristics in the voice that can be repeated. It is probably best to start with tempo: rapport is largely dependent on the synchronization of movements — and tempo can stimulate a good result. Some argue that the pace of speech is the decisive tool in establishing rapport. I don’t know if they are right or not, but the voice, for example, is very important when talking on the phone, because then it is our only tool for establishing contact with the interlocutor.

There was one study in the United States commissioned by a company that sold goods by phone. They were selling newspaper subscriptions and wanted to increase the number of customers. For the experiment, employees were divided into two groups: one continued to work as before, the other was ordered to speak at the same pace as the person on the other end of the line. With this difference in negotiation technique alone, the second group increased sales by 30 percent. The first group sold the same amount as before the experiment. Agree, 30 percent is not bad at all, especially when this figure depends on whether you speak slowly or quickly.

What betrays us

Our Expressions

We will talk about what is directly related to verbal communication, but I once again want to draw your attention to this. We all use language differently: everyone has their own favorite words and expressions, a list of which I give below. Here they can be copied, and quite plausibly.

Slang

Slang words and expressions are difficult to copy because their use is determined by geographical, age and fashion trends. The slang changes every day, and what sounded so «cool» yesterday is now sent to «suck». If you are fluent in the expressions that your interlocutor uses, then feel free to copy it. But if you have no idea what “laces” means, then it’s better not to: you can goof off. Slang also symbolizes belonging to a certain group (for example, age group), and in some cases only those admitted to the group can use slang words, so you risk angering the interlocutor.

jargon

Often in a conversation on a certain topic, we need special words and terms. Each field has its own professional jargon. These special words will help you gain the trust of the interlocutor. It is only important not to overdo it: use exactly as many jargon as your counterpart uses in a conversation. If you’re a computer savvy person and the person you’re talking to is pointing at the screen and saying, «This thing doesn’t work,» don’t get too technical, just ask if they’ve tried pressing the green button.

Personal Features

Although we spend a significant part of our lives at school and at the university, few of us speak the way it is recommended in Russian language textbooks. We all just love parasitic words, like «type», «estimate» and «well». Especially recently, our speech is replete with borrowings from English (“pisi”, “briefing”, “restyling”) or their ugly adaptations to Russian (“name-bearing”, “glamorous”, “mobile”). No matter how terrible they sound, if your interlocutor uses them, then you will have to.

Favorite words

We all have our favorite words. We use them often and in a variety of situations. It can be both slang words and jargon and even curse words. We usually adopt them from other people. Sometimes we ourselves do not like such frequent use, and, once again catching ourselves on the word “drop dead”, we exclaim: “We must finally get rid of this terrible expression!”. But there are other, less noticeable words. Milton H. Erickson, one of the gurus of modern hypnotherapy, calls them «transwords.» No, this has nothing to do with transvestites, but with hypnotic trance. You can very quickly establish rapport by repeating a person’s transwords. By speaking his language, you show that you are in the same mood as him, and therefore you understand him.

Do you think I’m asking the impossible? Is it possible to simultaneously imitate the voice, look for special words and repeat them, and at the same time not forget what you, in fact, were going to say. Believe me, it’s not as difficult as it seems. I have already said that unconsciously you repeat the body language of the interlocutor, the same with the voice and the manner of speech. You are already doing this, which can be demonstrated. Consider the following situation. You end your cell phone conversation, put down the toe, and everyone in the room knows who you just talked to (and you didn’t call the other person by name). However, they figured it out. Do you recognize the situation? They understood who you were communicating with because you spoke like him, that is, you adjusted to his manner of speech. Most likely, it was an old friend with whom you have established rapport. We all want to be accepted and respected. We are all looking for social interaction. We all want to create rapport.

Breathe patient, breathe

One of the main rules for establishing rapport is proper breathing. But most non-verbal communication experts forget to tell you how difficult it really is to match the other person’s breath—a breath we can’t see. It takes a lot of practice, but it’s possible and should be done.

Watch how the person breathes, deep or shallow, chest or diaphragm — this can be seen in his stomach, chest, shoulders and neck. Listen to the speech of the interlocutor: by pauses in the conversation, you can understand how often he inhales the air.

Why is it necessary to imitate the interlocutor’s breathing? To adjust to the rhythms of his body. By changing the rhythm of breathing, you automatically change the rhythm of speech and body movements, and this helps to establish rapport.

If you manage to fully synchronize your breathing with the breathing of the interlocutor, then a truly magical connection will arise between you. Unfortunately, this is too difficult to do. This is hampered by physical differences. My ex-wife is 160 cm tall. When we were married, she weighed 47 kg. My height is 179 cm, weight 73 kg. In addition, she breathed with her chest, that is, she inhaled less air than she could. I could not imitate her breathing for more than a minute, because I began to choke. Adjusting to the breath of another person, try not to overstrain.

I have already said that you need to adapt to the body language of your partner so that the rapport between you does not break. Before copying your partner’s breathing, feel his rhythm, try to simply breathe in this rhythm, and not repeat every breath of the interlocutor. The most important thing is synchronization at a basic level, the rest will come later.

Breathing can also determine the mood of a person. This may be required in a situation where rapport is established, but you feel that something is wrong with the interlocutor. Listen to his breath. If he breathes intermittently and quickly, although outwardly he seems calm, it means that he does not want to betray his excitement. This can speak volumes. Different types of breathing are associated with different emotions.

cozy exercise

If you have a person who can be hugged at any time (for example, a wife / husband), then hug him tighter and listen to his breathing. Breathe to the beat. Change the rhythm. If your partner unknowingly changed the rhythm of breathing, then you have managed to establish rapport.

Martin Nurap and Ian Harling in their book «Equilibrium» suggest trying this without clothes. If you are so lucky to have someone to hug without clothes, try to synchronize your breath. Now, on the contrary, breathe faster or slower than your partner. You will notice shifts in your mood — from a sense of community and almost to dislike — despite the fact that you, naked, hug each other.

Duracell and oyster

Think Energy

Imagine that you see your interlocutor from a short distance, the whole thing. Using this technique, you can determine the energy level of a person by his posture, breathing and other factors.

Some people are more passive in the first half of the day — their activity wakes up after lunch. In the morning they come to work, mutter «good» and plop down on a chair, showing with their whole appearance that they should be left alone until at least 11 or 12 hours. And only after lunch and the fifth cup of coffee do they crawl out of their shell and begin to communicate with others. This does not mean that they do not work well, no, it only means that they need to warm up properly before actively contacting other people. Sometimes even five cups of coffee helps. These are typical representatives of Oysters. And for them, this is a completely natural state.

Then there is another type of people — the exact opposite of Oysters. These people are always full of energy, like Duracell batteries. They run in the morning, come to work half an hour before everyone else, smile broadly, and in the afternoon they run to play a game of squash.

I once worked with a colleague who had six children. He arrived, or rather, arrived at work on a bicycle half an hour before everyone else, and all this time he was busy burning videos of children that he shot over the weekend on DVDs, printing covers and captions to understand where which movie is. He’s not an Oyster, he’s a typical Duracell Battery Bunny.

Maybe you are one of those who come to work full of energy and desire to create and find sleepy, tired colleagues there, whose help is simply needed, then you will have to willy-nilly reduce your activity. Don’t show too much enthusiasm, at least not at first. You should not suddenly fly up to a colleague and joyfully slap him on the shoulder so that coffee spills on his keyboard and the mood completely spoils. If you are a slow and sleepy person by nature, then you need to cheer up in time so as not to get on others’ nerves. And believe me, there are ways to deal with the problem of drowsiness.

Fun exercise

Remember when I wrote how to improve a friend’s mood with body language? This is possible because our body and our mind are interconnected. The same principle can be used to change your own mood. You just need to start acting like you’re already having fun. Imagine how you would look on your face, how you would stand and move, if you were in a good mood. At first, this may seem like a strange activity, but very soon you will notice that you feel a surge of positive energy. The movements of the body activated the processes in the mind, and voilà! Your mood has improved!

The American psychologist William James said the following in the last century: “Actions affect feelings — so it seems to us, but in fact action and feeling are one and the same. By having a direct effect on the reaction of the body, we also have an indirect effect on our emotional reactions.

If you want to be funny — pretend that everything is just great for you, smile, chat and laugh, as if you have never had so much fun!

You just need to conduct a detailed analysis of your communication tools. Remember we talked about observing, mirroring, and establishing rapport? Maybe eight in the morning is not the best time to present your ideas to the boss. It may be better to make an appointment after lunch, when your interlocutor is more inclined to talk. If this is not possible, try to match the rhythm of the person you are talking to. Otherwise, you and your ideas will not receive the warmest welcome.

Talk like you really mean it

Be consistent in your words and non-verbal cues.

By talking to another person, we influence him whether we like it or not. Sometimes we do it on purpose, like when we want to make someone angry or cheer. Statements that require a reaction can be the following:

“Did you hear that…?”

«That nasty Mel Gibson!»

“Do you know what happened?!”

«I love you».

With some of our statements, we can unconsciously evoke a variety of associations and reactions in a person. For example, when asking “How are you?”, we never know what the answer will be. A person can take and pour out all his grief.

Our mood can also affect those around us. If we are happy, then everyone around us is also happy. We are sad and others are sad too. Often we ask people to change:

«Get a hold of yourself!»

«Take it easy!»

In order to influence more strongly, you need to perform actions simultaneously with words that convince the interlocutor of the seriousness of your intentions. If you want to calm someone down, you should not take him by the shoulders and shake him, shouting “When will you finally calm down?”. To do this, you first need to calm down yourself. Parents of babies understand how hard it is, but even with children it works. «You must be tired» — so you need to say, accompanying the words with a yawn.

In this case, you need to radiate calmness yourself, speak softly, make smooth body movements, breathe evenly. To give someone confidence, you need to act confident yourself. By acting in this way, you give the interlocutor’s consciousness a hint, an example: you show with your appearance that it is possible to achieve the desired state. There is mutual understanding on a personal level. When you talk about something, you analyze; when you act, you create impressions, sometimes very strong ones. Think for yourself: would you rather talk about a kiss or get one kiss?

If your words mean one thing but your body language and voice mean another, the person will prefer to listen to the non-verbal message. If someone shouts “Calm down!”, you will listen not to the words, but to the feelings that this cry will cause. It is unlikely that you will calm down, rather, on the contrary, you will get even more nervous. You don’t even need to be able to read minds to do this.

Aikido opinions

The noble ability to agree

Another important tool for establishing rapport is to agree with the interlocutor in everything. I know it sounds trite, but let’s take a closer look at it. Try to find something in the words of the interlocutor with which you absolutely agree. This is especially important if you want to convince him later, to make him change his mind. An attempt to explain to the interlocutor what his mistake is will meet with strong resistance and rejection of your ideas. Instead of listening to you, he will become defensive. (Do not forget that a person is the only creature on the planet who is ready to kill for the sake of his views.) Therefore, you should not challenge someone to an argument. Rapport is needed to convince people of the following: you understand them, you are the same as them, you share their views.

Of course, you should not compromise your own principles and views. You only need to find in the words of the interlocutor something with which you can agree. For example, you and your interlocutor have nothing in common, except for the love of boats or fishing. Or you both play the same computer game. Even if it seems to you that the other person does not understand anything at all, you can always mentally put yourself in his place and imagine how you would feel if you did not understand anything from the conversation. Even if you have to communicate with Pol Pot (who exterminated millions of his own people), you can still imagine yourself in his place. The phrase “If I were you in this situation, I would think the same thing” can work wonders. In fact, you say only one thing: if you yourself were an interlocutor, you would behave like him, but he takes your words as proof that you understand him.

The same principle is used in the Japanese martial arts of aikido. With the words «You are wrong» you break the mental connection between you and your opponent, and then your struggle becomes unproductive. Instead of standing in front of you, you stand next to me and say, «I think the same thing.» Now you can use all the energy not to overcome the resistance of the enemy, but to achieve your goal. Instead of being an obstacle, you take on the role of leader. And your opponent does not mind at all, because you no longer have to figure out who is right and who is wrong. You are together, rapport is established between you. There is complete understanding between you. In aikido, this means not getting in the way of another person’s energy, but using it for your own purposes in order to defeat the enemy.

Shakespeare for President

To a greater or lesser extent, our reality consists of what seems to us to be true. Therefore, influencing the ideas about the reality of another person, we change it in the most direct way. This truth has long been known to politicians. It is better to first accept the views of those who are in opposition, and only then propose changes. In Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar, Brutus, Caesar’s closest associate, is accused of murdering the dictator, and they are accused with good reason. «And you, Brutus» — remember? But at the funeral of Caesar, Brutus delivers a fiery speech and convinces people that he has rendered them a great service by his act. Brutus loved Caesar very much, but he saw that his madness would lead the people to poverty and suffering. Murder was the only way to prevent this, and Brutus was ready to sacrifice himself for the well-being of the people and did this not out of hatred for Caesar, but out of love for Rome.

Well, how can you not believe Brutus? The people are ready to believe and forgive, but behind the scenes Mark Antony is plotting new intrigues. He, too, has to give a speech at the funeral, and more than anything he wants Brutus convicted of murder. To achieve this, Mark Antony will speak last, after Brutus, already knowing exactly what he said in his defense. When Mark Antony begins his speech, he, contrary to the expectations of the public, agrees with the general opinion and calls Brutus a worthy husband. Only after that Mark Antony resorts to rhetoric — when everyone is sure that he thinks the same way as they do. In his speech, he uses cunning tricks that convince listeners that this is still murder and the perpetrator should be convicted. If he had started with accusations, no one would have listened to him, but Mark Antony was smart enough to bring everything to the right moment. Today, Mark Antony would have a black belt in aikido, and Shakespeare, who wrote this play, would have become a successful politician.

Think alike

Let’s recap. You don’t have to compromise your own principles by practicing mental aikido. You don’t have to lie. Rapport must be built on honesty. Finding common ground is usually easy, but there are exceptions. For example, public debate requires political opponents to exchange opinions, not to agree.

If your views on one subject are radically different, then I advise you to find something on which you still agree. If this is not possible, then use the technique that I have already described: «If I were you, I would think the same thing.» And this will be true, because if you were a different person, you would think differently.

If someone bursts into the room, beats the table with his fist and shouts: “This is disgusting!” — you have no choice but to rise from your chair, bang on the table with a cup or fist and exclaim: “I agree! I understand you! If I were you, I would also say: this is disgusting! At this point, you are copying the opponent’s body language, tone of voice, and rhythm. Then you need to gradually lower your voice. You can sit on the edge of the table and say, «But you know, I think we can solve this issue.» You begin to lead the interlocutor to the idea that you want to inspire him, while laying the foundation for a successful conclusion to the conflict. In addition, this is a great way to calm an angry opponent. An angry person is looking for resistance, an enemy to whom you can turn all your anger, back against the wall and continue to be angry. A way to calm him down: agree, confirm his right to be angry.

Your goal, as with establishing rapport, is to make the other believe that you understand him, that you think the same thing, that is, you are the same as him. Only then will he want to listen to your suggestions. Only when he sees that you share common views, he will want to listen to you, and then consider that rapport between you has already been established. “If I were you, I would think the same thing” — what could be easier?!

Kung fu glances

Diametrically opposed statements

There is a very easy way to fake agreement and get people to take your side in an argument. You just need to use the union «and» instead of «but». The union “but” is alarming, speaks of a strict separation of concepts, hints that there is some kind of catch, that everything is not as harmonious as it seems. At the same time, the calm “and” ties phrases and statements together. The connecting role of the union «and» is so strong that it can reconcile two diametrically opposed concepts. Cunning politicians have learned to use «and» correctly. Compare these two situations in which the politician Agnetha tries to gain popularity by talking to the people about important things.

The 1 situation

Agnetha: «We want to improve the healthcare system, so we need to raise taxes.»

Annefrid: «We also want to improve the healthcare system, but we want to lower taxes.»

The 2 situation

Agnetha: «We want to improve the healthcare system, so we need to raise taxes.»

Annefrid: «I think, like you, we need to improve the healthcare system and that’s why we want to lower taxes.»

In the first debate, Annefrid takes the other side, using the word «but» and thus opposing Agnes. In doing so, she loses a lot of votes. In the second debate, she gains the same number of votes as Agnetha, without changing her political views or even the meaning of the phrase. The “and” has a truly miraculous effect: the phrase that follows it is perceived as an inevitable consequence of the first statement. «But» does the opposite. In the martial arts of Kung Fu, this technique is called «Stalking and stealth style «but»».

What is written in pen…

Rapport by e-mail

The same principles as in a face-to-face meeting and telephone conversation apply to correspondence, which has become a part of our daily life thanks to such technical innovations as sms, e-mail and chat. The only difference is that you can no longer mirror the other person’s body language or pace of speech, but you can still agree with their views, opinions, and expectations. Even in a letter, you can try to copy the «tone» of the interlocutor and his mood. Determine who you are dealing with: a serious or frivolous person? Is the writing style formal (formal) or friendly? Does he write in long sentences or short ones? Paragraphs or broken sentences? What words does he use — jargon, terms, borrowings? Does he have «favorite words»? Determine the form of expression of your addressee and copy it. Suppose you receive an email with the following content:

“Hi… getting ready for Friday… is everything okay? / Sa».

It will be a mistake if you answer it like this:

«Hi Samus!

I did a thorough research and came to the conclusion that it would be more efficient to schedule an appointment for the afternoon. Be so kind as to let me know as soon as you get the chance if the indicated time is right for you.

Yours faithfully,

Henrik Fexeus.

A more appropriate response would be:

«Hey!

Friday is fine. But maybe after dinner?

Henrik ».

This is very important when communicating via email. E-mails have not replaced regular letters, as many feared. In any case, the manner of communication remained the same. Email has replaced telephone conversations. In e-mail, we express our thoughts in a language close to spoken. The problem is that the spoken language is not always clear. Much depends on the context: tone of voice, pace of speech, pauses, smiles, movements of the eyebrows, nods of the head, etc. (later I will dwell on facial expressions in conversation). But in email we don’t own that context. We use the same words as in conversation, but without the «canvas» that gives them shape. From this arose the need for emoticons, or emoticons, of which the most common 🙂 and :-(, as well as: -P and many others. We re-designed an entire alphabet of abstract characters to convey to the interlocutor what exactly we mean But even this was not enough for us: many abbreviations appeared, like “tko” (only), plz (English please — please), 4ever (forever — forever), lol (laughing out loud — I laugh out loud), etc. Thanks to them, you can not be afraid that your joke will be taken seriously or your text will not fit in one sms.Using the same means of expression in electronic communication as your interlocutor is important not only for creating rapport, but also simply for understanding.

The old workaround: get the other to talk about themselves

Since ancient times, it has become so customary that most of all we like to talk about ourselves. The old-school rapport guru Dale Carnegie wrote in How to Win Friends and Influence People back in 1936: to get someone to believe that you are a great conversationalist, you need to start talking about yourself, and then just sit and nod from time to time.

Allowing a person to talk about himself, you thereby protect yourself from excessive attention: he simply will not notice that you are trying to mirror him. Allowing the interlocutor to talk about himself is the shortest way to establish rapport.

Works?

How to check if rapport is set

There are many ways to check if rapport is established. One of the purposes of rapport is to lead the other. So why not give it a try? Change something in the signs of body language or in your voice and see if the interlocutor repeats after you? If rapport is established, people constantly follow each other. If you find that the person does not follow your movements, then go back a step and try to establish contact again. Now wait for a new opportunity to check. Most often, there is a constant process of exchanging movements between people until both come to the conclusion that the conversation is over. The model can be shown like this:

…etc

What to look for

It would be nice to immediately determine whether you are interested in the interlocutor or not. Pay attention to how he sits: whether both legs are on the floor or one is thrown over the other, his back is tense or not. If your interlocutor is standing, then where are the toes of his shoes directed. Widely spaced legs, thumbs in the pockets of trousers speak of self-confidence. This «macho pose» is often used by men. If two legs are parallel to each other, then the person is neutral towards you. Crossed legs may indicate a need to go to the bathroom or that the person is feeling insecure. But all these poses speak of interest in you and a desire to listen, a desire to determine your and your position on the social ladder.

The “cowboy” position, when one leg is slightly bent and the toe looks to the side, indicates that the person is already mentally far from you.

A bit like tai chi. The man in the last picture has already shifted the center of gravity to one leg, about to leave. Do not confuse this pose with the one where one foot is simply placed in front of the other. We often stand like this, but the center of gravity is shifted forward. The movement captured in the last photo speaks of a person’s desire to leave. Maybe he got bored with you, or he just thinks about something else and no longer listens to you. Maybe he has an appointment or has spotted someone he needs to talk to. No matter how hard he tries to listen to your words, his head is busy with other things, and you need to let him go. Do yourself a favor — end the conversation as soon as possible, while not trying to cram things important to you into parting phrases: the risk is too great that the person will not remember anything. It is better to save an important conversation until the next meeting. Just end the conversation and set a date for a new meeting.

When talking, you should also pay attention to whether the interlocutor looks into your eyes. It is important that he looks exactly into your eyes, and not out the window or to the side, and does not look around the room, as if in search of an emergency exit (for the mental and physical bodies). If you are sitting, the interested interlocutor will usually lean towards you.

Watch your pupils

Pupil size also matters. Follow the pupils is not as difficult as it seems. When we show interest, our pupils involuntarily dilate. Of course, the same thing happens in the brightness range of light, and in a dark room our pupils are dilated. Sometimes even dark clothes are enough to dilate the pupils of the interlocutor when looking at you, so this fact does not always mean that the person is interested in you. Therefore, it is necessary to follow the changes first of all. If the illumination in the room remains the same, and the pupils of the interlocutor have expanded, it means that he is showing interest in you.

Many textbooks give an example: in ancient China, jade merchants were forced to wear soot-tinted glasses to hide the size of the pupils. According to tradition, sellers and merchants had to bargain, and if the merchant showed interest, the price could be too high. So he tried to keep a low profile, but one thing he couldn’t control was the size of his pupils. For a long time, dark glasses were a trademark of jade merchants in China.

Poker players use the same trick these days. If you have to watch the tournament, please note that many players in the final round appear wearing sunglasses. Other popular attributes are a scarf and a hat. No matter how skilled a poker player you are, you still cannot control your nervous system. Whether you like it or not, your pupils have a life of their own and dilate when you’re excited.

A person with dilated pupils shows interest in you, and you, in turn, show interest in him. We love those who love us, don’t we? Pupil dilation is a powerful signal that our subconscious cannot fail to notice. In one test, men were shown two pictures of the same woman. The photographs were the same with only one small difference — in one, the woman’s pupils were dilated. Men (heterosexual orientation) had to indicate which of the two photos they found more attractive. Everyone chose the photo where the woman’s pupils are dilated, although they could not explain their choice. And they really didn’t see the difference, but their subconscious noted that in one photo the woman signaled her interest in the male viewer, while in the other she was neutral. And this alone made her more attractive in the eyes of men. And who said that the most important thing in a woman is beauty?

When everything goes wrong

Situations when you should not copy the interlocutor

Of course, there are situations when you should not copy human behavior. I do not advise repeating after a person gestures or words for which he hates himself or which he dreams of getting rid of. For example, never start limping in the presence of a lame person. Do not copy the breath of a person with asthma.

Many people who suffer from speech impediments or who speak a dialect are well aware of their deficiency and are greatly ashamed of it. Especially if you moved to live in a big city. Therefore, do not imitate the dialect of your interlocutor, this can cause irritation.

Avoid any manifestation of tics or other nervous reactions. I have already said that you should not agree with an opinion that is alien to you. Do not bend under the interlocutor and do not sacrifice yourself. There are many other ways to establish rapport. If someone is very angry and aggressive, do not imitate him, rather try to adapt to his rhythm and energy level.

Hypnosis master Milton Erickson said one wise thing that can be very useful in life: “If something doesn’t work out for you, drop it and do something else.” If you are imitating the body language of your interlocutor to no avail, give it up and try to copy the voice, or the rhythm, or the looks, or the thoughts. Why not? In the following chapters, we will do just that.

All these tools are enough to establish rapport. But all of them imply imitation of human behavior, while we do not know why a person behaves this way and not otherwise. In the next chapter, we will try to go deeper and understand what our interlocutor is really thinking and how we can read his innermost thoughts.

Pupil exercise

Start talking to someone about some boring topic (for example, that the copier is broken again). Watch the pupils of the interlocutor. Change the subject and talk about what he is really interested in: about children or his favorite car. Notice how the pupils dilated when the person was really interested. Fascinating sight, isn’t it?