Whether it was frosty that cozy winter evening, I vaguely remember. Only light airy flakes of snow remained in my memory, slowly descending and enveloping everything around with a snowy magical veil, and a conversation that I, I don’t know why, put off for a long time. The candles were almost burning out on the table, and I was already putting all my working materials into folders, when there was a soft knock on my office.
“Yes,” I answered quietly, inviting them to come in and letting them know that I was in the mood for a conversation.
My daughter was at the door.
“Mom, can I ask you a question?” — Nastasya said in a muffled voice and as if somewhat thoughtful.
— You are one of those who can always. Make yourself comfortable, — I tried to answer, adjusting as much as possible to her internal state, capturing intonations.
“I’m near the window, it’s so beautiful on the street today,” the daughter answered.
It seemed to me that there was an excitement in his voice that had nothing to do with everyday affairs. I covered her with a blanket, and she poured tea with bergamot, carefully watching her. For a while, we both looked out the window, enjoying the flight of snow beauties.
After a pause, Anastasia said:
– What is love? — she raised her brown-green eyes to me, in which there was a question of misunderstanding and the search for an answer that she did not have.
At that moment, I caught myself thinking that I would have to approach the conversation a little differently than at the consultations of my adult married couples. And it wasn’t about age at all.
— My girl, love is an art, as Erich Fromm once correctly and fully put it. An art that needs to be learned long before you meet a person with whom you want to create a close happy family union.
– Does love require any skills, knowledge, labor? You meet a person, you like him, you feel good with him, isn’t this love? After all, the main thing is to be loved, find a worthy couple, and carry these feelings through your whole life. Or maybe in some other way? I don’t know the answers. Just speculation and speculation.
Are you in love, my dear? Oh, this is an extraordinary feeling when you want to give joy, warmth, care to someone else! Thank you very much for choosing to share your deepest thoughts with me.
I took a pillow and sat comfortably near her legs, hoping in advance that the heart-to-heart talk would drag on.
— You know, dear, often people are mistaken, thinking about it and drawing pictures for themselves of how they will be loved, instead of learning to love themselves. They make the meaning of life the pursuit of how to make them loved. In other words, they expect to be loved for something. And everyone chooses their own ways. They achieve success in their careers, studies, achieve wealth, cultivate good manners in themselves, create athletic bodies for themselves, make themselves in the image and likeness of someone, try to be attractive, charming and unique. And this is just to prove that they are worthy of love.
— That is, I understood correctly, if I love, then for my part I give my soulmate attention, envelop with care, support with a kind word, try to bring joy to the relationship, show help, and do not demand that everyone do this for me? And further. I do it all of my own free will, because I want to, I know how and express my love.
— You’re right, that’s right. An important skill will be learning to love yourself, instead of thinking about how to be loved.
— Well, if we focus on finding a worthy partner who would be suitable for all qualities, what is the likelihood that this union will be happy and lasting? It’s hard to find, right?
— This is the second delusion — to think that a long and difficult search for a soul mate will solve the issues of love, and with the acquisition of a long-awaited treasure, the person who is looking for will be loved.
– Mom, is it true that again it’s not about the ability to love, but about the fact that all resources are spent on finding a person who will love you?
— Right. What is behind this search? The desire to acquire something expensive on mutually beneficial terms. For example, there is a guy with a certain set of qualities that are pleasant in all respects. He is in demand with the opposite sex. Accordingly, he will choose his soul mate, which will be suitable for values, personal qualities, material wealth, status and much more. It is possible to draw a certain parallel with market relations. In answer to your question about the likelihood of such a long-term happy union, I will say this, when the meaning of the “object” rises above the main function of love, the probability is very low.
– It turns out that even if you find a suitable person, but you don’t know how to love, then most likely you will fail, right?
— Yes. Loving is an art! And this can be learned! And here’s something else I wanted to say. Many confuse love with falling in love, and it seems to them that the state of the initial feeling of euphoria will last forever. Relationships built on passion are fragile. Moreover, the passion will pass, but what next? And then, as in a bad novel, they will find shortcomings in each other, mutual claims will begin, they will become bored with each other and a light breath of wind will extinguish the flame of the last attempts to preserve the union. It’s simple, falling in love is a short-lived experience of certain emotions at a certain point in time, and love is a long-term, caring, responsible feeling, supported and created by two people who not only know the theory, but also passed all the tests in practice.
– And when to start learning to love? — Anastasia approached the case with interest.
— From diapers. But it’s never too late!
– Where to start?
— From understanding the actions that you do in relation to the person you love. Ask yourself if I love a person, and not only a soul mate, it can be different people, what do I do, how do I show love?
— I take care of them, make surprises, give gifts, hug you and talk with you for a long time, I also try to bring joy, make the mood brighter.
— For starters, it’s really good. Read the book «The Five Love Languages» by Gary Chapman, I think you will like it.
It turns out that love is not easy. There is something to learn. Thank you very much, I love you.
Thank you for your trust, and I thank you.
Anastasia went to her room, and I stood and looked out the window, thinking how correctly I could choose the words to at least a little closer to understanding that love is an art! Talk to your children about the innermost, pass on your knowledge to them, maintain trust and intimacy. They will be grateful to you when they grow up and put everything into practice.
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.