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We are afraid of conflicts and the bitterness that they can cause. But sometimes confrontation is needed to reconnect. We offer a guide to action. How to do it right?
Conflicts are an integral part of relationships. We cannot reach an agreement based on generally accepted rules: they no longer exist. Whether it’s relationships between men and women, parents and children, bosses and subordinates, or people from different cultures, norms have not just changed, they continue to change. Often this leads to violence, because we do not know how to conflict.
“We have not learned this because it is a new need. And also because we tend to confuse confrontation with violence. We hesitate to go into conflict for fear that we will exacerbate the problem. But it is precisely avoiding it that breaks up couples, pits one generation against another, hinders the development of common business decisions, and incites hatred between ethnic groups,” notes social psychologist Charles Roizman.
He believes that one can learn to conflict constructively. To do this, you need to go through three stages.
1. Conflict without violence
Violence appears when we look at the enemy as “bad” or inferior to us. When we do not see in him an equal to ourselves – just as valuable and having the same rights. When we attack him in word or action, humiliate him, blame or treat him indifferently, refuse to discuss the problem with him.
Sometimes it is difficult to recognize violence, it can be implicit. You can blame and humiliate without raising your voice and even with a smile. And vice versa, resistance can be accompanied by anger and shouting, despite the fact that we do not stop seeing the other as our equal.
There is a difference between him and violence! Once we grasp it, we can recognize when we ourselves are violent: despising the other, depriving him of his importance, trying to get the better of him, denying his existence or his suffering. We will also be able to recognize whether violence is being used against us.
If so, we can drop the discussion tinged with violence. If not, accept this conflict, in other words, agree to confrontation.
2. Pursuit of a goal
To better get along with each other (if this is our goal), we need not to eliminate the confrontation, but to translate violence into conflict. This method justifies itself in all everyday situations, but people either do not know about it at all, or do not know how to do it.
Self-love is the main resource for transforming violence into conflict
Therefore, you need to “motivate” the opposite side by showing them the meaning of your disagreement: each position is a piece of the puzzle. All of them need to be pulled into the light in order to see the problem in its entirety, in all its complexity. Therefore, each of us is interested in open confrontation: by considering the problem that makes us suffer, we can solve it.
3. Respect for the enemy
There is no set procedure to follow to resolve a situation constructively. It is only necessary to create an atmosphere of trust in which the other will feel the opportunity to say what he thinks without fear.
To do this, we let the interlocutor understand that we want to maintain our connection, we will not turn away from him in the midst of a dispute, we will not attack him, that we respect him, although there is no agreement or love between us.
This position needs to be truly felt and, if possible, expressed: “I want us to find a solution”, “It is important for me to know what you think, although I do not agree with it.”
These three steps only seem simple. Yes, it’s not that hard to encourage the other to have a constructive conversation when you both want to find a way out. Another thing is when violence has already arisen, the crisis does not stop and silence separates you.
The difficulty is to meet someone whom we at this moment perceive as an enemy, and in a situation that we consider hopeless.
We need to make an effort and first go through these three stages ourselves: acknowledge the violence on our part (“I uttered accusations, expressed contempt and could only react incorrectly”), think about the benefit we are striving for (avoid a breakup, become happier together), find the confidence in the other to enter into a discussion.
The last point suggests that we love ourselves, do not belittle or blame ourselves for what happened. That we accept ourselves as we are at the moment, with our hatred, confusion, helplessness.
Self-love is the main resource for transforming violence into conflict. After all, most people are pushed to violence by the inability to accept themselves with all their imperfections and the need to transfer this blame to someone else in order to still consider themselves blameless.
“I have learned to maintain complete equanimity”
Egor, 44, changed after becoming the father of seven children
Children taught me to remain calm in any situation. I do not know how this happens, but as a result I remain calm in the midst of a raging sea or some other cataclysm. Imagine the face of a terminator emerging from the fire and fragments of a collapsing house, and you will understand what a father of many children looks like.
And the children are forced to accurately plan the time. When one child goes to the first grade, the other to the eleventh, and the third, for example, to the choir for preschoolers, and then the youngest to the pool, the oldest to the tutor, and the third must be met after school, you will inevitably become organized, learn not to be late and count everything before minutes and millimeters. After this, running a small logistics company, in my opinion, is nothing.