The age of «I» or the age of «we»?

Loneliness has become, according to sociologists, a serious social problem. Back in the early 2010s, according to VTsIOM polls, 13% of Russians called themselves lonely. And in 2016, already 74% admitted that they lack real, lifelong friendship, 72% did not trust others. This is data for all of Russia, in megacities the problem is even more acute.

Residents of big cities (even those who have a family) feel more lonely compared to residents of small ones. And women are lonelier than men. The situation is worrisome. It’s time to remember that we are all social animals, and for us communication is not just a way to avoid boredom, but a fundamental need, a condition for survival.

Our «I» can exist only thanks to others who accompany it, help it to form. Is it because the development of technology leads to the emergence of new forms of interconnection: social networks are being created, the number of interest forums is increasing, a volunteer movement is developing, grassroots charity is developing, when we all over the world are dumped, “as many as we can” to help those in need.

Perhaps, the era when the main thing was “I, mine”, is being replaced by a time where “we, ours” dominates. In the 1990s, the values ​​of individualism were rapidly asserting themselves in the minds of Russians. In this sense, we are catching up with the West. But less than twenty years have passed, and we are reaping the fruits of a general crisis: an increase in depression, bitterness, and confusion.

All this, using the definition of the sociologist Alain Ehrenberg, is a sign of “tiredness of being oneself”, as well as the exhaustion of the “I”, which believed too much in its omnipotence. Shall we rush to the former extreme? Or look for the golden mean?

Our «I» is not autonomous

Belief in «I», which does not need anyone to exist, enjoy, think, create, is firmly rooted in our minds. Recently on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia), one user argued that management style affects the well-being of company employees. “No one can stop me from being happy if I decide so,” he wrote. What an illusion: to imagine that our state is completely independent of the environment and the people around!

From the moment of birth, we develop under the sign of dependence on others. A baby is nothing unless it is held by its mother, as child psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott used to say. Man is different from other mammals: in order to fully exist, he needs to be desired, he needs to be remembered and thought about. And he expects all this from a lot of people: family, friends …

Our thoughts, way of being are shaped by the environment, culture, history. Our «I» is not independent and not self-sufficient. We need the words of another person, a view from the outside, in order to realize our individuality.

An adult and a small child stand in front of a mirror. “See? It’s you!» — the adult points to the reflection. And the child laughs, recognizing himself. We have all gone through this stage, which the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan called the “mirror stage.” Without it, development is impossible.

joys and risks of communication

However, sometimes we need to be alone with ourselves. We love moments of solitude, they are conducive to daydreaming. In addition, the ability to endure loneliness without falling into melancholy or anxiety is a sign of mental health. But our enjoyment of solitude has limits. Those who withdraw from the world, arrange for themselves a long solitary meditation, go on a solitary sea voyage, begin to suffer from hallucinations rather quickly.

This is a confirmation that, whatever our conscious ideas, our «I» as a whole needs company. Prisoners are sent to solitary confinement to break their will. Lack of communication causes mood and behavioral disorders. Daniel Defoe, the author of Robinson Crusoe, was not so cruel as to make his hero a lonely prisoner of a desert island. He came up with Friday for him.

Then why do we dream of uninhabited islands far from civilization? Because although we need others, we often come into conflict with them. The other is someone like us, our brother, but also our enemy. Freud describes this phenomenon in his essay «Dissatisfaction with Culture»: we need another, but he has different interests. We desire his presence, but it limits our freedom. It is both a source of pleasure and frustration.

We fear both uninvited invasion and abandonment. The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer compared us to porcupines on a cold day: we approach our brothers closer to keep warm, but we hurt each other with quills. With others like ourselves, we have to constantly look for a safe distance: not too close, not too far.

The power of togetherness

As a team, we feel our abilities multiply. We have more vigor, more strength. Conformity, the fear of being excluded from the group, often prevents us from thinking together, and because of this, one person can be more effective than a thousand.

But when a group wants to exist precisely as a group, when it demonstrates the will to act, it gives its members powerful support. This also happens in therapeutic groups, in collective discussion of problems, in mutual aid associations.

In the 1960s, Jean-Paul Sartre wrote the famous «Hell is Others» in the play Behind Closed Doors. But here is how he commented on his words: “It is believed that by this I wanted to say that our relations with others are always poisoned, that these are always hellish relations. And I wanted to say that if relationships with others are perverted, corrupted, then others can only be hell. Because other people are, in fact, the most important thing in ourselves.”