The acquisition of cleanliness

It is difficult to admit it, but the fact is there: parental impatience on the acquisition of cleanliness is justified by ugly selfish interests! The change, once a joyful ceremony, becomes a test with a rascal who wriggles and protests. We would gladly remove the purchase of diapers from his budget, and their transport of preparations for release. Before disposable diapers, it was worse! Their invention paved the way for the propagation of a fundamental discovery in the knowledge of the development of the child: the acquisition of cleanliness depends above all on neurological evolution. We can (we must) accompany him. But trying to hasten it, no.

0-18 months: the empire of sensations

In the newborn, most of the time, urination and defecation mechanically follow the feeding or the meal. He has no control over his natural functions, which remain reflex acts.

However, he shows his annoyance when his diapers are soiled. At around 4 months, he will also notice that something is going on inside his body. Sensation from which he does not learn any lessons, and which he cannot communicate. The situation hardly changes until he is 18 months old (outwardly, at least), when the maturation of his nervous system allows him to control his sphincters (the annular muscle located around the anus and the urethra, whose function is is to contract / release to close / open these ports).

For you, the time has come to offer the pot

Before, it’s useless. Even harmful, because you would throw at the little one an impossible challenge, while making him waste precious time for his other acquisitions. In the past, children from 1 year of age or even less were forced to sit on the potty for a long time; if there was any result, he owed it all to chance. And we cannot claim that this “training” acted in favor of the development of the “victim”. At 18 months, it becomes reasonable. But it needs to be done very gently, because it still takes time to move from capacity to rational application.

With this new mastery, the child discovers new sensations. Pleasant: he delights in retaining and expelling. He manifests this by trumpeting “pee” and “poo”, words generally inscribed very early on in his basic vocabulary. Pleasure accompanies each discovery and enhances it; consciously urinating and defecating are no exception.

Don’t make it a taboo, neither these functions nor the area in which they operate are “dirty”. Don’t make it a recurring joke either. This is a natural function, but one that falls within the private domain, to which we give due importance – no more, no less. This simple and relaxed approach will help him overcome more complex obstacles of a psychological nature.

18 months-2 years: am I going? I’m not going?

Savoring the pleasures of mastering his sphincters does not mobilize your little one to the point of not seeing the messages you send him with more or less discretion. He understood very well where you are going with this! Only…

Young children do not readily change their habits

The acquisition of cleanliness, he will have understood, makes him climb an important step towards the status of “big”. Of course, becoming “big” is inevitable, and tempting in many ways. But this also has its share of concerns: it is about venturing into the unknown. Don’t stress too much about this aspect of things. He might be tempted to stay cautiously in the world of babies – of which diapers are just one of the attributes.

He knows nothing about his inner workings

What is going on in his body? He will not become aware of the intestinal transit until around 4 years old. He doesn’t even make the connection between the food and his droppings. He doesn’t know he has organs at work inside himself. No need to explain it to him. Everything in its time: for the moment, it becomes acquainted with its outer envelope, its limbs and their mobility, the sense organs… Concrete things because they can be seen. The story of the food journey, abstract, extremely bizarre and not very tasty, at best would leave him unmoved, at worst would worry him.

Is he losing pieces of himself?

Having realized that his stool was coming out of his body, he may fear it. Better to spare him the spectacle of the disappearance of his “good” in the whirlwind of the toilets. Later, having found that he remained whole, he will lose this fear.

He has long seen the attitude of his parents …

… Vis-à-vis natural functions. If they feel disgust, even if they try to hide it, he knows it from his first months. Likewise, if they are eagerly awaiting cleanliness, he notices it. Now, for psychoanalysts, the stool would represent a present to the mother; and hold them back, driving aggressively. Freud called this period the anal stage; it is also called the “anal sadistic” stage, because to the pleasure aroused by the stimulation of the mucous membranes, is added the satisfaction of exercising control over oneself and others.

At this age when the famous “crisis of opposition” begins …

… It is better not to provide him with a means of pressure by showing an almost obsessive concern for cleanliness. To transform it into a stake would be to risk seeing the child himself attaching excessive importance to it. He could keep traces of it in his future behavior, for example a mania for order or a lack of spontaneity.

Let him “tame” the pot …

… A newcomer with whom he will share many moments. However, you show him how to use it as soon as he arrives in the house. No need for explanations: you sit it on it, in the toilet, bare buttocks, once a day, and leave it there for a short while. Choose an appropriate time according to your observations (often, shortly after a meal, the transit being carried out quickly in the small ones).

The first successes must all by chance!

Approve to confirm that this is the result you wanted. Neither congratulations nor outbursts of joy: it is a success, not an achievement. The first favorable attempts give a concrete explanation to the stations on the pot. This time, it’s really “tilt”.

There is still a way to go before it becomes a habit!

The progress of the progression obeys universal laws… Its successes on the pot are made more and more frequent. When he is forgotten, he warns you without delay. In contrast to the pleasure of a clean, dry butt, soiled diapers become downright unpleasant to him. Explain to him the solution to avoid this annoyance: it should motivate him.

Around 2 years old, he begins to feel a need coming

First a “pee”, then a “poo”. He understands the principle of the pot, and can warn you… But not always early enough to get to your destination on time! Too bad: he will do better next time. You’ll make it easier for him by ensuring that everything is ready to greet him in the bathroom and that he can pull down his panties in a jiffy.

2 years-4 years: the routine – or almost!

Around 2 and a half years old, the child asks for his potty, during the day, more and more frequently before the disaster. You still have to take him to the toilet and guide him through the procedure.

Will he be ready for school?

The question torments many parents, often impatient to see him make his first return to school. For babies born at the end of the year, who will hardly be more than 2 years old in September, this may be fair. The acquisition of cleanliness lasts between 2 and 3 years. Beware of forcing, that would not change anything: everyone follows their rhythm. No need to turn this deadline into a stake, which could degenerate into a reason for conflict, or cause the child to fear not to satisfy you, all the more painful as it is beyond his control. It is better, if he is clearly not ready (if he does not feel a need in time and expresses it only rarely), postpone until the second trimester.

It can be a stimulus for him. Many children are tired of the nursery where they live in the midst of “babies”; they are eager to go to school, whose many activities have been praised to them. However, this stranger also inspires them with ambiguous feelings. Some people exhaust the possibility of soiling their diapers until the very last day, knowing that this will very soon become prohibited. Knowing your child well, you will be able to distinguish perfectly between a small “carelessness” of circumstance and a real lack of preparation.

He will not be able to go to the toilet on his own until around 3 years old. In kindergarten, teachers still accompany their students, in groups at fixed times. If a need arises unexpectedly in class, they are taken to their destination on their request. But hating to stand out, they usually quickly take the fold. Teaching him how to wipe himself is up to you. He does well around the age of 4. But at home, for hygiene reasons, continue to take care of it for as long as it allows.

At night, more control!

Nighttime cleanliness always comes after daytime cleanliness, and depends on neurological maturity alone. In other words, it comes on time, and neither you nor your child can do anything about it. A few weeks ? Several months ? Impossible to predict. Don’t draw any conclusions about his motor skills and intelligence: it has nothing to do with it. Resigning yourself to the wait does not however prevent you from doing everything possible to promote the transition.

Include going to the bathroom in your bedtime ritual. This must become an automatic process, because it promotes uninterrupted nights. Keeping a thirsty person from drinking right before bed doesn’t help.

Naps provide a good indicator

Does he wake up with dry buttocks? It happens more and more regularly? Try a nap without diapers. If you had been too optimistic, the change will be less painful than in the middle of the night, and for everyone.

You cannot avoid the risks! You have to make up your mind to remove diapers at night. However, in the beginning, you have no guarantee that nothing bad will happen. In general, the situation stabilizes around 4 years, occasional “failures” remaining commonplace up to 5 years.

Offer him the means of his autonomy

Most of the little ones are awakened, either during the night or in the early morning, by a pressing desire. They appreciate being able to satisfy her without your help. Walk with him from his room to the toilets, “in situation”, that is to say in the dark, just lit by the flashlight that you place on his bedside table. Leave the door ajar (or reopen it when going to bed). He should like the expedition – so much so that he might come and tell you about it afterwards!

The definitive disappearance of the layers represents a small victory! However, do not embroider too much on the theme “Here you are grown”, or he might be tempted to backtrack, lest he be asked too much proof of maturity in all areas. Especially if a baby has arrived in the meantime! Do not hesitate to put on topical diapers when traveling or on vacation: changes in habits can cause bedwetting. Nothing to be ashamed of!