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How to forgive another, if inside everything is seething with anger? How to stop hating those who hurt us? We often see forgiveness as a manifestation of weakness, but isn’t it better to shed the burden of resentment ourselves and teach this to our children? Child psychologist Maryam Abdullah tells how to do this.
Last weekend my friends didn’t want to play frisbee with my son. They left, despite much persuasion, and even grabbed his soccer ball. Of course, my child seethed with indignation. True, not for long.
In this sense, children are almost no different from adults: they also get angry when they are offended. Sometimes it goes to extremes: anger develops into rage and a desire for revenge, and often takes the form of physical aggression, which terrifies parents. So can you teach them to forgive?
Psychologist Robert Enright and psychiatrist Richard Fitzgibbons believe that forgiveness is a conscious choice to stop being angry at the offender. And this is not a sign of weakness at all: forgiveness requires strength and courage. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, justifying, or silently enduring insults. You can forgive and still seek justice. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing; those who are ready to forgive do not expect an apology.
Many people think that a child cannot do this, because he still does not own emotions and does not know how to cope with anger. However, there are special programs that help children calm down, restore normal relationships with others, and even improve academic performance. According to Enright, it is useful to know about them for all parents who want their children to grow up balanced and forgiving.
Why does a child need the ability to forgive?
The Forgiveness Program is a series of weekly group sessions for families or individuals. Children are involved in play situations in order to gradually lead to reflections on real conflicts. They consider different ways of overcoming the pain that results from collisions, including forgiveness. When children begin to understand what the meaning of this action is, they are taught the ability to forgive. First, a scenario with a fictional character is played, then the child decides what to do with those who actually offended him.
Some participants in such projects continue to learn forgiveness until the age of 21. Many of them join volunteer missions: in Belfast (Northern Ireland), where ethno-political conflict still continues, Milwaukee (Wisconsin), where race riots often break out, and the most criminal areas of Turkey. In addition, in the Midwest of the United States, volunteers work with adolescents who have experienced deep psychological trauma (bullying, loss of parents), and in South Korea with young women who have suffered from domestic violence.
The purpose of the forgiveness program is to develop empathy in children and teach them how to deal with anger, hostility, anxiety, and depression. After such a course, many people’s academic performance grows, outbreaks of aggression stop, and normal relations with parents and teachers are established.
Forgiveness Lessons for Children of Different Ages
Dr. Enright has done tremendous research work, created more than one educational program, and is rightfully considered the founder of a whole trend — the psychology of forgiveness. His approach has helped many children and teenagers.
Go through all the steps with your child, taking into account his age. It is best to start when he is very young and continue until adulthood.
4-5 years. At this age, children are unlikely to be able to understand the intricacies of forgiveness, but they are quite capable of understanding what love and selfless care are. Teach them by example, read picture books about loving families and good deeds.
6-7 years. Psychologist Jean Piaget believed that from about the age of six, children develop concrete-operational thinking, that is, they are already able to reason about the causes and consequences of human actions. From now on, they can gradually explain the meaning of forgiveness. Take five consecutive steps to help the little man master this difficult science.
- Explain to your child that everyone is valuable in their own right — regardless of whether they are poor or rich, smart or not very smart. We are all special, unique and irreplaceable. Talk about it without touching the main topic. To help you, a wonderful book by Dr. Seuss «Horton hears Who» (available in Russian translation). In a cautionary tale about the inhabitants of a tiny planet, important words are repeated: “Man is a person, no matter how small he may be.”
- Before you start a conversation about forgiveness, prepare the ground by talking about kindness, generosity, respect, and love. However, it should always be done.
- When the child learns these concepts, you can start talking about forgiveness, but without moralizing in the spirit of “you must forgive your neighbors.” Explain this way: “People who know how to forgive are kinder than those who did bad things to them. Forgiving, we agree to respect those who offended us, we try to be generous with those who harmed us. If we forgive relatives, then we show that we love them, no matter what.
- Explain to your child that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. Sometimes it’s better to stay away from peers who make fun of him. However, it is impossible to endure: they are poisoning — call adults for help.
- Now you can invite your child to forgive the offender, but remember: forgiveness is a choice, and in no case do not push. If the kid agrees, then he remembered the examples from the books and recognizes the value of the one who acted unfairly. The desire to show kindness, respect, generosity and love to the one who offended him must be sincere.
Although these steps will take a lot of time, it is necessary to move further: consider more complex examples and deepen the context of situations.
10-13 years. You can discuss other important issues with teenagers, such as how to earn forgiveness and what reconciliation means. To be forgiven, we need to admit our guilt and understand that those we offended need time. Reconciliation is possible only on condition that both want it, but the one who was wrong makes a step forward. An act of forgiveness can take place without reconciliation if the one who harmed us renounces his responsibility.
14-18 years. High school students who are ready for conscious forgiveness can work on their emotions. To do this, they must:
- accept that forgiveness is possible
- decide what they want to forgive,
- make a list of who they forgive and why,
- express accumulated anger
- prepare for forgiveness
- think about why the offender did it,
- admit that he is the same person,
- show mercy,
- live the pain to the end
- figure out how to give the offender,
- find meaning in what happened
- go through all the steps again.
It is important to learn to forgive not only a specific person, but also everyone who harbored a grudge.
“The ability to forgive is a rare quality. Few remain generous when faced with injustice, but this is the only way to make the world a little better, ”says Robert Enright. He advises to practice forgiveness at least once a week: to gather at a common table, to say what it means for everyone, that everyone feels how difficult or easy it is.
Conflict is inevitable, which is why it’s so important to teach forgiveness to children from an early age, even if the quarrel broke out over a frisbee or a soccer ball.