The 9 Most Common Relationship Mistakes

Whether we are in a close relationship with someone or not, happiness does not depend entirely on this circumstance. But if there is a relationship, we definitely feel happier, argues Ilona Bonivell in the book Keys to Well-Being.

Relationships that do not develop quite the way we would like are not very difficult to correct, especially if the couple has been together not so long ago. Summarizing their observations, psychologist Paula Pietromonaco and her colleagues from the University of Massachusetts identified the most common mistakes in partner relationships. And while the consequences of our mistakes have not reached destructive proportions, we have a chance to correct them. What mistakes to avoid if we want to save the relationship?

1. Thinking that the partner is not going anywhere.

As relationships develop, we increasingly take the presence of a partner in our lives for granted. Signs of attention rendered to each other at the very beginning, surprises and other pleasant little things gradually disappear.

On the one hand, this suggests that the relationship is becoming more mature. But on the other hand, longing for a beautiful romantic period can overshadow the valuable that, in fact, holds the union together. At such moments, it is useful to dream up how our life would look in a different scenario. For example, without a partner.

Imagine how you will live if you really break up? What will you do? Will this affect your well-being and your ideas about a happy future?

These fantasies will help you maintain a relationship, more acutely feel the feelings that bind you and which are probably dulled because you have been together for a long time: affection, interest in a partner, concern for him, and a whole range of your personal experiences! It is very important to listen to them — they can become a true guide for you.

Often we stop noticing and appreciating our loved ones just because we got used to them and think that they will not get away from us. But if we (albeit unwittingly) broadcast our indifference to our partner, sooner or later he will begin to look for lost care and attention outside of our relationship.

2. Thinking that your partner will leave you.

Being inattentive to a partner is a bad idea, but just as unproductive for a relationship is the other extreme — when we are too attached to him and think only about one thing: does he love us? Does he value our relationship? People who are too dependent on the attention of another person can scare those around them with their excessive need for love and its confirmation. After the boundaries of the relationship are outlined and mutual obligations are defined, you do not need to constantly wonder if your partner cares about you.

And even if the relationship is just developing and it is too early to talk about obligations, you are able to determine for yourself how sincere the other person is with you. Whether he is interested in your life, how friendly and attentive he is to your mood, whether he takes into account your tastes and desires — these and other signs will help dispel anxiety about the feelings and intentions of a partner.

3. Ignore the boundaries of the couple’s personal space

In established couples, there are always secrets that unite two, and it is very important that partners respect this intimate space. By devoting other people to some of the details of our private lives, we risk hurting the feelings of a loved one and undermining his trust in us.

If you reveal some secret of your partner to outsiders and the information reaches him (the world is small!), He may not even know that you were the source of this gossip, but his feeling of resentment and humiliation will not become less painful. You will begin to empathize with him (especially if the partner is still dear to you) and will suffer from remorse for having once been too frank on topics that should not have been touched on. These experiences can be long and painful, but, alas, they will not solve the problem that has arisen.

4. Complain about your partner

Those of us in long-term relationships tend to have a clear idea of ​​what we would like to «fix» in our partner. And this is not surprising, since ideal people do not exist. The problem arises if we decide to discuss our list of grievances not with a partner, but with someone outside who is ready to sympathize with us. Apart from the fact that this would be the disclosure of personal secrets (see point 3), such a strategy is itself destructive. After all, the partner may simply not guess the essence of our claims.

So maybe, for starters, share your ideas with him? By the way, constantly paying attention to what you don’t like, you run the risk of not noticing something good in a loved one. Unwanted traits, qualities, or habits that you focus on usually don’t go away. So if you are too focused on what annoys you, then you will eventually find only reasons to be annoyed.

5. Suppress discontent

It is easy to see a reason for mutual irritation in a long-term relationship, the question is how we decide to deal with it. Perhaps one of the most dangerous ways to deal with anger is to hoard it while pretending nothing is happening. It may seem safer to hide your dissatisfaction or disagreement with what your partner says and/or does, but it is not. Without telling him (her) how we really feel, we risk losing trust and delaying the possibility of a frank conversation.

Moreover, unspoken irritation goes into the area of ​​the unconscious. And then, as if by accident, we forget to call a partner or fulfill his important request … These actions do not meet our intentions, but behind them there may be emotions repressed from consciousness. Therefore, if you suddenly notice that such incidents begin to happen to you, an attentive and organized person in principle, you should think about their hidden causes. And find the strength to honestly discuss them with your partner.

6. Constant doubt

Do you often worry about the future of your relationship? Are you afraid to jinx them, say or do something wrong? Do you see signs of inattention, neglect of yourself, unwillingness to maintain a relationship in your partner’s fatigue? If we suffer from such anxiety too often, you risk two things at once. First, comfort and loss of confidence.

And secondly, when we constantly think over various options for the development of events and draw up a plan of action in case of a breakup, we unwittingly charge the relationship itself with our anxiety. A partner can feel our doubts and indecision and interpret them not as a fear of losing him, but as an unwillingness to go further in this relationship, and in this case, an early separation can become a very likely prospect.

7. Not taking your partner seriously enough

What place do you assign to a partner in the system of your priorities? Do your kids come first? And work, of course, in the same place? Of course, you can always find a logical and understandable explanation: children grow up quickly, and you want to devote more time to them, and at work you are just at the peak of demand, which is hardly to be expected in the near future.

But time passes, children grow up, business people retire, and partners who do not feel value and significance in relationships leave them, because no one likes to be in last place.

8. Stop believing in your partner

The loss of a job, health problems, or the death of friends or relatives — all of us experience grief from time to time. When one of the two faces difficulties, it becomes a test for the other. It would seem that what is required is obvious: to provide support and encourage a loved one. But if you are used to the fact that your companion is your support, it becomes difficult to cope with anxiety and show real, not fake optimism.

When the black bar drags on and the partner continues to be discouraged and inactive, you already begin to doubt that he is, in principle, able to get out of a difficult situation. And yet it is important to sincerely believe all the time that the troubles will end. Your support and firm conviction that your partner will definitely cope will not only help ease his pain, but will also become the necessary impetus for him to find strength in himself and overcome trials.

9. Stop believing in your relationship

In addition to the problems that each of the partners faces, difficulties can also affect the couple as a whole. The list of possible reasons due to which we can lose hope for the future of our relationship is significant — from a banal misunderstanding and a difference in characters to someone’s betrayal. But if you allow yourself to give up, no matter what happened, you will close off the opportunity for you to forge an emotional connection with a person who has been dear to you for a long time. You have invested a lot in this relationship, do not let despair cross it all out in one moment.

Feelings of hopelessness are often the result of a whole set of irrational beliefs, such as: «if it’s bad now, it will always be bad», «life should be joyful and pleasant», «constant minor disagreements speak of deep problems.» Stop yourself every time such beliefs try to take over your thoughts, and stop them — then it will be easier to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, and not on the negative ones.