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Couple
Arguments without a “full stop”, the “Siamese” effect, neglecting hygiene and appearance or not setting limits at work are some of the attitudes that can most influence the couple during confinement
A-go-ta-dos! Four syllables. Eight letters. Plain word, without accent. With exclamation … emotional fatigue that produces the particularity of the situation we live in (threat of Covid-19, confinement, hoaxes, discouraging news …) complicates the day-to-day management at home and as a couple. It is difficult for everyone, both for those who have children and for those who do not, but there are also certain attitudes that, according to psychologists, can add complications to those that are already given to us by the context. These are the six most harmful.
1. Do not disconnect from work
One of the attitudes that has a powerful negative effect on the relationship is not drawing a clear line between the working time and break time, as explained by the psychologist Lidia Alvarado. “When the working day is over and the person is still in front of the computer or answering calls, they are taking time away from the moments of evasion and complicity that are essential in a couple because they allow them to share, talk, laugh and relax,” he clarifies.
Solution: The line dividing work time and relaxation time should be clearly defined.
2. Discussions without a full stop
It is normal for there to be more friction in the coexistence daily, but if the couple is not able to put an end to the discussion by turning the page immediately and maintains a rancorous attitude and a power struggle, it will generate a toxic environment and harmful. “This will contaminate the relationship, raise the tension and little by little it will settle into the couple’s routine, even getting into their bed, thus generating an added problem,” reveals Alvarado.
The psychologist Laura Fuster advises, for her part, to avoid argue over “nonsense” and control anger, because spending so much time together can make the discussion go on for hours, or even days.
Solution: It is essential that a full stop be written behind each discussion, fight or disagreement.
3. Suffer the “Siamese” effect
“Being forced to share the same stage for so many hours at a time can lead to a invasion of personal space of the other person », alerts Alvarado. It is true that when the rooms (or homes) are small, it is difficult to find the formula to solve it, but what you should not do is pretend to spend the whole day “glued”.
It is also a mistake, according to the psychologist Laura Fuster, to limit contact only to the couple. “It is important to maintain affective relationships with friends and family members and talk to different people during these days,” adds Fuster.
Solution: Respect the privacy of your partner, let him take oxygen and do what he needs or talk to whoever he needs to disconnect. Connect you too with other people.
Forced cohabitation can also lead to attitudes of neglect and little solidarity with the other person. This happens when the couple is delegated the full weight of the daily obligations: cleaning, order, shopping, cooking, collecting, caring for the children … «This attitude is tremendously selfish and not at all empathetic. We are experiencing an unusual situation that has completely changed our dynamics and daily routines, and also with a very high degree of tension. Therefore, it is time to share responsibilities and divide the burdens “, advises the expert in couples therapy, Lidia Alvarado.
Solution: It is time to add and contribute, not to subtract.
5. Neglecting hygiene and appearance
It is common for the emotional state to change over the weeks or even within the same day. “This is normal and understandable, there is nothing to reproach,” Alvarado clarifies. But what should be paid attention to, as needed, is that this is not reflected in the external appearance and leads to physical neglect.
If we fall into this dynamic, it is likely that we begin to develop bad habits of hygiene or personal cleanliness. Staying home 24 hours does not mean wearing pajamas all day, stopping showering, or neglecting yourself. Seeing your partner all day in the same shirt or with dirty hair does a disservice to passion, a fundamental ingredient in relationships.
Solution: take care of your grooming routines, hygiene and personal care both to feel better personally and to be pleasant to your partner.
6. Blaming the other for what happens in the world
The discomfort generated by this atypical situation can lead to pay it with the person you love the most. That is why the psychologist and expert in couples therapy, Silvia Sanz, advises stopping to think if what has bothered us about the other person is really important or if we are really carrying exhaustion or negative feelings that causes us uncertainty and isolation. “This can lead us to focus this discomfort on the behavior of the couple and that can harm the relationship,” argues Silvia Sanz.
Solution: Ask the other person how they feel, understand their emotions, and share yours. Remember that your partner is going through the same thing.
How to turn the tables
It is true that there are studies that reveal that, after the periods that involve a longer time of coexistence of the couple (in general they usually refer to the vacation periods) the rate of separations increases. But it is also true that, as the psychologist Silvia Sanz proposes, what produces friction in the relationship is not the time itself, but the way of share that time. “This stage must be taken as a challenge to enhance certain areas of the relationship,” he proposes.
For her part, Lidia Alvarado, invites you to find the positive side what is happening and learn to take advantage of it. The key is, as he explains, to change the approach that is being given to the situation and instead of holding on or resisting, finding at this moment the opportunity to improve the couple’s relationship and recover what the lack of time stole from us. rush or stress.
A good start may be to gradually establish these little habits in the form of gestures, words of affection and pampering. «Ask yourself what you have stopped saying to your partner, what details have you forgotten and how you can take better care of your relationship. And get it back, ”he recommends.
Finally, remember that there is no waiting for the other to give the first step, Well, either of the two can move the first piece and when this happens the other person will react and respond in the same way.