Sometimes people around us accuse us of thinking too much about ourselves. But in fact, they manipulate us, trying to use us for their own purposes. After all, if taking care of yourself and your needs can be called selfishness, then only healthy. We tell you why you need it and how you can bring it up in yourself.
“Now, due to the stress of the pandemic, many people are desperate for full-fledged self-care,” says life coach Michelle Elman, author of The Joy of Selfishness: Why We Need Personal Boundaries and How to Set Them.
“And although they agree that they need to love themselves more, they don’t realize that the only way to free up time and energy for self-care is to become more selfish,” the expert explains.
The “selfishness” in question is the ability to voice one’s needs. Ask honestly for what you need and set your own personal boundaries. Many people, especially women, feel guilty when they have to speak directly or refuse someone.
It is important to understand that by your directness you do not harm another person. “Defending your personal boundaries or being “selfish” is possible only when you feel that you have the right to do so,” Elman emphasizes. “In this case, by taking care of yourself, you benefit your loved ones.”
Do you need to be “selfish”?
Worth it if you’re tired and exhausted. If you are surrounded by people you cannot trust. If you are afraid of conflicts and try to please everyone. In these cases, you need to put your needs first.
“If you notice that you are angry all the time, offended and unhappy all the time, these are warning signs. Most likely, you do not protect your personal boundaries enough and they are constantly violated, ”explains the expert.
Here are 5 ways to become a little more selfish.
1. Learn to say “no”
“Somehow I tried to conduct an experiment that I called “The Year of Refusals”. Any offers that did not interest me, I refused without explanation.
For example: “I have considered your offer and decided to refuse” or simply “Unfortunately, it will not work.” At first I was very embarrassed, but by the end of the year it became a habit and I still continue to follow this principle. Remember: if you are invited somewhere, you are absolutely not obliged to go, ”says Michel Elman.
“If you find it difficult to force yourself to say no to friends and family, first “practice” on outsiders,” the expert advises. Remember: by learning to say “no”, you will make your “yes” more meaningful and weighty.
2. Get rid of guilt and fear of not being liked by others
Are you afraid that others will like you? There are billions of people in the world, and it is simply impossible to please everyone! Moreover, by protecting your borders, you will not alienate those who are truly important to you. Only those who are used to shamelessly using you will leave your life.
“Now, when I say no, I feel relieved or even proud, not guilty,” says Michel Elman.
3. Set boundaries in your working relationship…
For example, if you feel obligated to respond to work emails and messages even after the work day is over, try not to do this as a practice to protect your boundaries.
You can set up an automatic response, such as “I don’t have access to email this weekend, I’ll answer you on Monday.” Another option is to put your phone on airplane mode after work is over.
4. … and do not be silent if they are violated
If your interlocutor is acting passive-aggressive or saying something directly offensive, sometimes it’s enough to exclaim something like “Eh!” or “Hey!” This creates a pause in the dialogue and helps the interlocutor to realize what he said. And perhaps take a step back before the real conflict flares up.
“Before, I often ignored unpleasant or offensive comments addressed to me, and then suffered from the resentment accumulated inside. Now I always make it clear to the interlocutor that he violated my boundaries. Remember that you are worthy of protection,” emphasizes Michel Elman.
Silence is another useful tool for protecting your boundaries. You do not have to continue to participate in a conversation that makes you uncomfortable. The interlocutor will quickly notice this. If he continues to insist on discussing a topic that is unpleasant for you, you can say: “Let’s talk about something more interesting?”
5. Be especially “selfish” with loved ones.
If you want something from your partner, don’t expect him to guess and tell him about it directly. “In 90% of cases, your partner will gladly fulfill your request,” says Elman. For some reason, some people are convinced that if a partner truly loves them, then he will guess what they want. But he or she can’t read minds!”
As you begin to show “healthy selfishness”, you will soon notice that others will treat you with more respect. And some of them, those very “toxic” people, will completely disappear from your life.
“Once you start defending your boundaries and boosting your self-esteem, you will realize that many of those around you treat you without due respect. Do not be afraid to lose such “friends” – if they are not ready to respect your boundaries, then relations with them have no future,” Elman notes.