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To free their children from gender norms, some parents, still in the minority, decide not to assign them a gender at birth. The goal: not to transmit stereotypes through education, to allow children to grow up with more freedom. An approach that is part of the quest for greater equality between the sexes.
“Our education protected him from sexism”
Testimonial from Kyl and Brent, parents of Zoomer Coyote, 5, Camberra, Australia.
“When I was in college, I heard about two families who decided not to assign a gender to their child at birth. This kind of gender-neutral parenting really clicked for me. This type of gender-neutral education allows them to protect gender stereotypes and let them choose who they are, what genre they like. I knew if I had kids I would do this. People have been trying to raise their children in a non-sexist way for years and it doesn’t work, more needs to be done. Fortunately, my mate Brent was up for it. Our relatives had lots of questions but weren’t surprised, since I taught gender at university and I was a feminist. I was just following my values, which my family respected.
A non-gendered first name, neither feminine nor masculine
The choice of the first name was made naturally. My husband’s nickname when he was little was Zoomer, mine Coyote, so we decided to combine them. In the United States and Australia, where my partner is from, you can call your child whatever you want, and today parents like to be creative. When Zoomer Coyote was born and people saw his adorable face, they realized that they didn’t need to know his genitals or sex chromosomes to love him.
The equivalent of “They” in French is “iel”, a contraction of “il” and “elle”.
What was great was that when loved ones made a mistake in the language, others corrected them. Our loved ones have become so comfortable with the pronoun “they” that they now use it more generally when they don’t know a person’s gender. “
Non-gendered clothing
From the age of two, Zoomer chose his clothes and hairstyles. Before that, it was up to us to choose. We were careful not to buy anything hyperfeminine or too masculine. We took comfortable and fun clothes, with lots of different colors and patterns. For the hair, we let it grow until it fell in his eyes. To the people at the park we looked like a normal family. Since they didn’t know we hadn’t assigned a gender to Zoomer, they just used the gender that they thought would match Zoomer based on her outfit. We didn’t always have the energy to correct them.
Around his fourth birthday, Zoomer told us he liked the pronoun “he”.
Maybe he will change his mind later, but for now it’s “he”. Today, her gender expression is very fluid. He plays with all the toys and wears all kinds of clothes. I believe that our education protected him from sexism, people were careful not to tell him: you can’t wear this or play that. Zooming is very popular, it is popular with children. I think that today, gender norms are not as rigid as they used to be. Most children are raised by parents who are actively against sexism and for equality of LGBT + people. “
“Not revealing the gender of our child was easier than I thought”
Testimony of Adinne, Schwartz and Emry, 6 and a half years old, Toronto, Canada
“Emry was born in 2014. We decided not to assign him a gender, it will be Emry who decides his gender later. In the meantime, we use the pronoun “they”. We have opted for non-gendered education, which we call “gender open parenting” for two reasons. Firstly so that our child can be who he is, without ever having to affirm or contradict the gender identity (girl or boy) that we would have chosen for him. Secondly, to prevent our child from receiving different treatment depending on his gender. We know that girls are hugged and complimented more on their looks than boys, and boys are encouraged not to cry and to be physically active. We didn’t want our child to be limited by these stereotypes.
An explanatory booklet for the daycare
It was easier than I thought. Our parents had a few questions, but no major objections. Our friends have supported us. The people we met in the street were confused but did not have any major negative reactions. When Emry went to daycare, I explained the situation upstream to the staff. I even made an explanatory booklet. There were no objections but sometimes the staff struggled with the pronoun “they” or forgot Emry’s presence and used the phrase “boys and girls”. In this case, I would ask them to use neutral terms like “friends” or “everyone”. I also went to talk to the other parents and asked that Emry could play with all the toys.
The teacher can use “such” or alternate “he” and “she”
When I was four, Emry told me he didn’t care if we used “she” or “he” to describe him. Right now, he says to me “I’m mostly a boy and a bit of a girl, and I’m non-binary”. So when he entered elementary school, in a French-speaking school, I told the teacher that he could use “iel” or alternate between “he” and “she”. A month later, he left me a voicemail message consistently using the same gender pronoun. When I told him about it, he told me he was sorry, that he was going to try harder. Actually, I don’t know what’s going on at school. I hope what we have taught Emry so far is enough for him to know how to assert himself and come see us if there is a problem.
Male or female clothes
Most people assign a pronoun to Emry based on his appearance. Emry has chosen to have short hair and wears a lot of neutral colors so people often say “he”. It doesn’t seem to bother him so we don’t say anything. At this point, we are just here to support it. I don’t think gender is very important to Emry. He chooses the clothes without considering whether it is masculine or feminine. Emry doesn’t care what other people think. He has lots of friends and they don’t care if they wear pink or dance. “
“Wildfire has dresses, jeans, jackets, tights”
Testimonial from Bobby, Lesley and Sojourner Wildfire, 3 years old, New York
“When my partner was pregnant, I read an article about a couple who chose not to assign a sex or gender to their infant. I knew a lot of transgender people and I was an activist, so it clicked. I would never assume a person’s sex or gender, so why do this for my child? It was also in keeping with our desire to give our child as much autonomy and control over his actions as possible. We chose to call it Sojourner Wildfire in honor of the famous activist Sojourner Truth but also because we liked the metaphor of “wildfire” (“forest fire” in French), a natural process in which things burn to better grow back. We believe this is the kind of change our community needs.
We use the pronouns “they / them” for Wildfire
We give him access to a wide range of toys, clothes and experiences. We choose them based on what we like and what we think they’ll like. We also offer them things that they have never tried so that they find out what they like. We don’t ask ourselves if the toys, clothes and experiences that we give him are typically associated with a genre. Wildfire has dresses, jeans, jackets, tights, etc. Today Wildfire is 3 years old, has tastes of his own and loves making decisions! Raising our child like this was easy enough, in part because we live in Brooklyn. We took the time to explain our reasons to our parents. Today, everyone respects our rules, some out of conviction, others out of spite. If they want to be a part of our lives, they have to follow us on that, that’s all. Lately we’ve been letting them change Wildfire, and we let Wildfire play naked with other kids. We know that members of our social circle are not going to change their behavior when they discover his body.
We sometimes receive unpleasant comments from strangers
The annoying thing is having to fill out forms and receive comments from strangers. When we don’t feel comfortable in a situation, we leave. But that rarely happens and sometimes there are good surprises. A client once yelled at my partner in a cafe when she found out how we were educating our child. The barista immediately kicked her out of the cafe, explaining that gender was a specter. It was a great time!
Trans children suffer from the binary imposed on school
Last year, Wildfire joined an outdoor activity program several days a week. We chose it because we knew that the staff did not use gendered words and did not offer gendered activities. I’m not afraid to send Wildfire to school in the future. It will take some energy for us to convince the staff, but I’m ready. Trans children suffer from the binary imposed in schools, things must change. You can bring up your child very well without using a neutral pronoun. The main thing is not to assert who our child is based on his body and to let him explore who he is freely, for example by letting him play with toys from all walks of life. “
Interview by Aline Mayard