Gloria & Clarence
Moms of Eneya and Noam, 20 days
” At the maternity ward, we were told that we were a beautiful family.“
“Our children, a girl and a boy, have just been born. My life has changed forever since they were born, like all mothers I think. I am extremely happy, on a cloudy note. But what makes me even happier is having seen my wife become a mother in her turn. See her eyes cloudy with tears after the cesarean, when she hugged her children and told them she loved them. I still cry about it. I told myself that I had succeeded in starting our family.
When we met four years ago, Clarence didn’t want kids. She had raised those of her previous companion and felt that she was past the age. Me, I always wanted to be a mother. One day I told her that I was ready to live without children if I could live with her. That our love was more important than anything. I think that’s what made him change his mind. When she told me, we thought about what would suit us best. Clarence was in favor of a co-parenting project, but I was afraid of sharing education. It is already difficult to get along at two times … so, at three or four! To find support, we registered with the APGL * in Paris and we started inseminations in a Belgian clinic. With the treatment, I was tired, I gained weight, I had mood swings, it was very hard. We got married at that time, to sustain our future family. A beautiful marriage of love!
Then Clarence had the opportunity again to leave, this time for Bordeaux, where our respective families are located. I decided to make one last attempt, the ninth, before taking a break. I was tired from these tests. When I did the test, we were having our departure party that night. All of our friends would ask us where we were. The cross appeared so quickly that we realized it was the right one! We were overjoyed. A month later, the ultrasound announced a twin pregnancy. The sonographer, not very nice, asked me to stop crying for joy, because his pictures would be blurry!
With our families, it’s more complicated
In Bordeaux, we rented a house with three bedrooms, ideal for accommodating babies. The pregnancy was trying: I lost 15 kg. The babies have grown well: they were born at 2,8 kg and 2,4 kg, at eight months. All the maternity staff were very attentive. They said when talking to the babies, “We’re going to see your mom”, talking about Clarence. They told us we were a lovely family. After the birth, all of our friends, our sisters, gathered around us to help us. We have clothes for girls and boys until they are 18 months old! Some came by to cook for us or take the babies for us while we were taking a nap. In our families, it’s more complicated. Clarence’s parents know she has children, but haven’t seen them yet. I have my mother on the phone every day, our sisters too. For my father, it’s more difficult to live with. I know that when he feels ready, I will introduce him to his grandchildren! ”
For 63% of French people, homosexual couples with children are families in their own right.
(IFOP survey)
Guillaume & Pierre
Laura’s dads (5 months)
“We keep in touch with the donor and the surrogate mother“
“I met Guillaume five years ago at work. Very quickly, we talked about having a child. In August 2014, we got married and we decided to make our project a reality. We thought about different methods. We weren’t satisfied with adoption, and neither did co-parenting! And then, via an association (ADFH), we learned about surrogacy (surrogacy). Couples have advised us of a small agency in the United States, in contact with surrogate mothers. Once the contract was signed, we each had to do a battery of medical tests. The surrogate mothers must not contract a disease or the child should not be a carrier of genetic diseases! We also had various interviews with a psychologist to find out if we were “suitable” to become parents. We had more controls than any straight couple who wants to start a family!
Then we moved to the United States. We chose a donor for the oocyte. He was fertilized with Guillaume’s gametes and mine. Then, it was the surrogate mother, Alexandra, who chose us. She is a young woman of 25, already twice a mother. It was her first pregnancy as a surrogate mother. Once she was sure of her choice, she welcomed us to her “American-style” home, introduced us to her husband and her children. All the procedures are very expensive. It takes $ 130. From the first insemination, it worked. We then notified our respective parents. My mother was ecstatic: she believed that she would never be a grandmother!
Gaga parents!
When we found out it was a little girl, we were very moved. A week before the term, we returned to the USA. We had taken three weeks of vacation and our employer offered us both paternity leave. The night of the birth, there were four of us in the delivery room, with Alexandra’s husband. I cut the cord and my husband did skin to skin with the little one. It’s an extraordinary moment! But it was when the three of us met in our room with Laura that we really realized that we had become a family. We said to ourselves “But what have we done? “. We learned to dress her, change her… Alexandra had her milk for three weeks. From the first night, we shared the bottles. We nursed thoroughly!
It was a great feeling to introduce our daughter to our families. Our life has changed a lot, like all parents. We had often commented on those who are gagas of their offspring, and we do the same! But above all, we had not imagined the intense pleasure that it brings to live with a baby. It’s amazing to see Laura, to watch her smile at us. The surrogate mother Alexandra and the donor always hear from us. They will both come to France this year to see Laura. And very quickly, we would like to restart the procedure to give a little brother or a little sister to our daughter. ” l
David & Pascal,
Agnes & Laure
Fathers and mothers of three children,
Paul (8 years old), Gustave and Ferdinand (5 years old)
“We all live in a big house.“
“The seven of us live together in a large house in the countryside, near Mâcon. It sounds a little crazy, but it just happens naturally. We all get along very well. Each couple has their own room and privacy. A little over a year ago, we decided to leave Lyon where we had two apartments. Since their birth, the children spent a week with one couple (David and Pascal) and a week with the other (Agnès and Laure). We were looking for two terraced houses, but we only found one large house to share which we rented to continue our research. In the end, we stayed in this house because the cohabitation is going very well. The four of us are intermittent. This is how I met Agnès, more than twenty years ago. She was the one who first spoke to us about becoming co-parents. Before this proposal, with my husband Pascal, we had given up on the idea of one day being parents. It is very difficult for two men to become fathers. To carry out our project, the four of us discussed a lot before Agnes became pregnant. For a year and a half, we took information from the APGL * to lay the foundations of our family in a sort of charter. For example, we wrote down what we wanted for education, or the fact that the children had to spend time with each couple and also time with all the parents together. This is how we all went together for the first time on vacation by the sea after Paul was born.
Together we talk a lot
Three years later, we had the twins, thanks to the help of the medical staff who supported our family. They took risks in relation to the law since we had recourse to IVF! We welcomed the news with great joy. The advantage, as there are four of us, is being able to take turns looking after the children. At the time of Ferdinand and Gustave’s birth, I even went to sleep with the girls to help Agnès at night when Laure was away. On a daily basis, there can be tensions, as in all families, but we have learned to talk a lot, to defuse conflicts before it escalates. About once a month, we organize a “G7”. It is a somewhat formal meeting where we discuss all the subjects concerning the children or the family. We all wish that Laure and I might one day recognize our children. We educate them and take care of them on a daily basis since their birth, but we have no legal existence. If the biological parents of the children were to disappear, we could take custody of them and give them to a third party. It is as if we do not exist in the eyes of the law. ” the
* Thanks to the association “Les enfants d’arc-en-ciel”.
Interview by Estelle Cintas