Contents
When the unthinkable happens
Seven years ago, when I was almost 7 months pregnant with my third child, one morning I discovered a very painful lump in my right breast. I went the same day to the doctor, a young replacement whose wife was pregnant. Was it a coincidence, the fact remains that he took it very seriously while reassuring me. He called himself to get an appointment for an ultrasound. In view of the disturbing results, a few days later, I had a biopsy. In general, the diagnosis can take several weeks or even months. And it is recognized that cancers discovered during pregnancy are discovered late, because any worrying sign is immediately attributed to pregnancy. As if cancer was unthinkable then, even for the medical profession. The results of the biopsy came out 3 days later. I immediately thought I was going to die, and I cried for days and days!
From future mother to young patient
The protocol was as follows: the baby being viable, we were going to start the birth and then start the treatments (chemotherapy then radiotherapy). So I was really lucky not to have to have these treatments while pregnant. Even if it is now proven that under certain conditions, it is safe for the baby … Contrary to what I had imagined, cancer didn’t spoil my delivery : I always say that it was an “enchanted parenthesis”. Especially since it came as a letter in the mail! Unheard-of happiness, as if cancer no longer existed. The day before my mastectomy, we took a souvenir photo of the 5 of us with the baby, just like any “normal” family, but the tension was hard to hide from the children. I had my breast removed four days later, as well as an axillary dissection because the lymph nodes were affected. My baby stayed with me in my room at the maternity ward, since I was in a mother-child center. “
Combining motherhood and cancer, the difficult equation
The dad stopped working throughout my treatments, and was very present. It must be said that living to the rhythm of a newborn is very tiring. I had my partner, but I had a lot of trouble resting. Especially since I always wanted the baby next to me, thinking that I should make him enjoy his mother as much as possible… At the very beginning, of course, I asked myself: ” what if i hadn’t been pregnant ? “. So when would I have discovered my cancer? Wouldn’t he have grown more slyly in my womb? Didn’t my baby save my life? Or was he rushing me to the grave? I opted for the first theory!
Permanent fear of the future
This baby brought me a lot of happiness, and at the same time, the despair that it would not last, that he would soon be an orphan … I remember that when I was sorting out his clothes, often birth gifts, I said to myself: “Size 18 months, I will no longer be there to see you in …” If I talked about it around me, we often quickly dismissed the words of “stop your nonsense! “. The subject of death should not be broached. Time changes completely when you have cancer. Every month, every new season, I really enjoyed it. To have children is to plan, to invest. But during the first year, I was really afraid of my future, of the idea that my companion would have to take care of 3 children alone. What terrified me even more was the psychic future of the baby. If I died, wouldn’t he feel guilty about killing me? He would necessarily be traumatized by the conditions of this birth. I also thought about the anguish I had transmitted to her in my stomach. All this does not seem to have happened, he is now a child like the others! Before my cancer, I kept a family diary, where I recounted everyday facts, with collages, drawings, etc … I of course continued, aware of the importance of leaving traces if I came to disappear.
The return to life
When I crossed the 5-year mark, I was able to start to breathe, not really before: not only was I out of the woods according to the doctors but my children had grown up. I was finally able to consider breast reconstruction, very late compared to the average which is 2 years. Before, I had other priorities: to heal and raise my children. Even if all that begins to be far today, this does not prevent this child from remaining the witness, the “living memorial” of that time. In solemn moments like Christmas, birthdays, back to school, I see him and I think about it all with a lot of emotion.