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My partner and I had been together for a long time, we loved each other and I really wanted to have children. He was less motivated, but agreed in principle. After two years, nothing! I was worried, I found it weird, my companion told me that everything happens in its time and that we would get there. Him, he never forces fate. I am rather anxious, and I like to provoke events. I went to see a gynecologist to find out what was going on. Medical examinations revealed a slight hormonal imbalance, but not serious. I could perfectly well have a child. Suddenly, I asked my companion to check if everything was going well on his end. He took a very long time to do a spermogram, he acted as if he suspected he had a problem and was afraid to know. I tanned him for six months every night, I was very angry and our relationship fell apart. He ended up going and the examination revealed that he suffered from azoospermia, he was 29 years old, and no sperm in his semen.
They discovered a tumor in my husband!
I made the decision to go see a sterility specialist with him. We both wanted to find a solution to have a child. I was tested again, my tubes were not blocked, my uterus was in good shape, and my ovarian reserve was perfect. On the other hand, the new examinations carried out on my companion revealed a tumor in the testicles. This disease can be treated well, he did not risk his life, it was a relief. But this bad news shocked me. I was going to be 30 and my world was falling apart! Motherhood was for me a question of life and death, not having children was to miss your life, mine had no meaning if I did not become a mother. The specialist who removed my companion’s tumor recovered 3 sperm during the operation. It is very little to do IVF with ICSI (a sperm is introduced into the egg), but we took our chance. I was pessimistic, I didn’t believe it. We made two unsuccessful attempts. Our couple has deteriorated even more. And I went crazy, life without children was impossible, it called everything into question, we separated for a year. It was violent, I planted my companion with his cancer, but I was too obsessed with my desire for a child, I forgot about it. He met someone else, regained confidence in his manhood, and I quickly realized that life without him was impossible! I realized that I preferred “No child with him”, rather than “a child without him”. He had cut off all contact with me. Once a month, I gave him my news on his answering machine. After a year, he called me and I told him that I still loved him, that I was waiting for him, that I was ready to accept not having children to live with him again. We found each other and our couple came out of this separation stronger.
The 12 week ultrasound showed a problem
Since my partner was sterile, the solution was either adoption or IAD (insemination with anonymous donor). He was for the IAD. I was braking. It took me two years of psychotherapy to accept this technique of assisted reproduction. It was the anonymity that worried me, not knowing who is at the origin of this donation. I was haunted by negative fantasies, the donor might be a psychopath slipped through the cracks? Besides, my parents thought it was a bad idea. At that time, we met a couple of friends who had conceived their children by IAD. We talked a lot, they helped us get started.
The process is very long, we go to CECOS (Center for Studies and Conservation of Eggs and Sperm), we still undergo examinations, we meet doctors, a shrink, to see if we are well aware of what this technique involves and how one envisions parenthood. Once we are judged “suitable”, they choose a donor who has a phenotype close to the husband – eye color, skin color, morphology… There are not many donors, the waiting period is 18 months. At that time, I was already 32 years old and I realized that I was going to be a mother at 35! As we can reduce the time if we present a donor to CECOS, a friend of my partner agreed to make an anonymous donation for other relatives. Our situation touched him, it was a gratuitous act, we can never thank him enough! Just like my best friend who has always supported us in our fight. After 12 months, I had two inseminations. But that did not work. Then two IVFs that didn’t work either. I saw a shrink, specialist in sterility, and I realized that I still had the same anxiety about the donor. Finally, the 5th insemination worked, I finally got pregnant! We were euphoric. But the 12 week ultrasound showed a nuchal translucency of 6mm, and the doctors confirmed to us that our baby had a serious heart defect. After discussions with the medical team, we decided not to keep him. I gave birth vaguely at 16 weeks gestation, I was anesthetized, I experienced it like a robot. It was a girl, I didn’t want to see her, but she has a first name and it is written in our family record book. Following this event, I made a total denial about what had happened. It was hard for my partner, he had depression. So we decided to get married, to have a great party with our friends and my family to overcome our sadness. My sister organized my wedding, it was great. I resumed inseminations, I was entitled to a second donation, and six more inseminations. On the fifth day, I got pregnant. I was not euphoric at all. I was bleeding a little and I was sure I was going to lose my baby. On the 2th week ultrasound I was crying. But everything was fine, my baby was normal. I had an excruciating pregnancy, there was no problem, but I was so stressed I triggered giant hives, I was haunted by toxoplasmosis and cats, I only ate Babybel !
A beautiful baby, but beautiful!
And on August 23, 2012, I gave birth to Aaron, a beautiful baby, but beautiful! My husband and I were on cloud nine, we had no regrets as the birth of our son was wonderful. I did a mini baby-blues in the maternity ward, my husband stayed with me all the time. The return home was difficult, I was worried because of the sudden infant death syndrome. My husband, always exceptional, reassured me, took over. He’s an amazing dad. He stopped working to take care of Aaron. It was undoubtedly for him a way of compensating for the fact that his son did not have his genes. He needed to be there to create a very strong bond right away. A year later, we had a second boy, Enio. It was a relief that they were two boys, it went so badly with our daughter. It is my husband who takes care of them on a daily basis. Aaron swore by his father until he was 2 years old, and for Enio, it’s the same. My husband knows that my job is very important to me, he is grateful to me for not having let go of the case, for having waited for it, for having struggled to be able to start a family together, no matter what. He also knows that it reassures me that he takes care of them. We are a team, we are so happy like that! My only regret is that I cannot donate my eggs because I am over 38 years old. I would have liked so much to offer a woman what the donor has done for us …