Test your positions

Authority

Problem: You fail to earn respect. You oscillate between connivance and rigid demands. Threats of punishment do not work, the rules of family life change according to mood … And the other extreme: severe punishments at the slightest violation of the rules, lack of dialogue with children, strict control over how and where they go, when they return, with whom they communicate and what they do at school …

Connivance breeds conflict (when power is not exercised, there is a continuous struggle for it!), but also causes anxiety in children who lack clear ideas about boundaries (what is allowed? what is forbidden?). Authoritarianism also provokes conflicts (especially in dealing with adolescents), and relationships from a position of power that it generates interfere with the development of the child (he becomes passive and loses self-confidence).

Tip: Build your confidence. Look for a balance point. In order not to go to extremes, consider authority as a synonym for responsibility. The authority of parents is a consequence of their ability to make choices and persevere in the practice of what they consider to be just, right and necessary for the development of the child. Authority arises on the basis of agreements, rules common to all family members, our personal values ​​and beliefs, the personality of the child. Parents are enlightened despots: they ask for advice, invite to dialogue, listen to opinions, but they make the decision themselves and ensure its implementation. Why not make family councils a tradition before driving yourself into a dead end? Let all family members take turns expressing their views, criticizing, demanding, after which the parents, having agreed among themselves, will announce the decision. It will become a mandatory rule for all.

Ask yourself:

• Do children obey you after a period of time that seems reasonable to you, and in accordance with the possibilities of their age?
• Do you often break taboos in front of your child, while reminding him that it is impossible to do this (as you are doing now)? For example: “I can cross the street at a red light or ride in a car without a seatbelt, but you never do that!”

Your child is between 2 and 5 years old

The very first rules that a child must learn relate to his safety. The main question that is useful to ask yourself is: does he put himself in danger when he does not obey?

• Does it violate your taboos about a hot stove or open windows?
• Does he give you a hand on the street, especially when you cross the road with him?

Your child is between 6 and 11 years old

To understand your parenting style, observe yourself. For example, when you call your child for dinner, what is the most common and predictable scenario?

• He immediately obeys and comes. Why do you think he does this? Is he afraid that your reaction will be harsh? Is he afraid that you will fall out of love with him? Has he learned to do everything on time to make life run smoothly? Or is he just hungry?
• He comes after you have calmly called him two or three times.
• He does not come despite the fact that you have already called him several times. What do you think? What are you doing?

Personal life

Problem: You want to know everything. Do you happen to confuse trust and excessive (suffocating) intimacy? Adults can live wide open (no one has secrets in the family) or be too intrusive (“I’m always there, I know everything about you”), but the result will be the same: insufficient respect for everyone’s right to personal space. Excessive frankness between parents and children, the intimate relationship of the couple that children see, the lack of restraint in emotions or bodily contacts …

In all these cases, the seizure of the child’s personal space by the parents negatively affects him: there are difficulties in gaining autonomy, emotional or sexual problems, and self-confidence decreases.

Tip: find the right distance. The main thing is to respect the personal space of everyone, that is, to recognize that the family consists of separate, dissimilar personalities. Respect for the child begins with explaining to him that he is the master of his own body. It is also necessary that the child has his own territory, has the right to secrets, can choose his own clothes …

He also fully owns his ideas, emotions and feelings. He has the right to express them or keep them to himself. The right distance in dealing with a child suggests that you must give up the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbknowing everything about him. And show restraint, not showing him your entire adult life “without cuts”.

Ask yourself:

• Do you close the bedroom door? If so, do children knock before entering?
• Do you allow your belongings, paper, scissors or other supplies to be taken? Does the child always return them to their place?
• Do you think that in a “good family” you should always do everything together?
• Ever since you had kids, have you gone anywhere without them? For how long and how often do you leave? Did your couple and you personally manage to take advantage of this pause in everyday life, or were anxiety and guilt too strong?

family hierarchy

Problem: You are confusing roles. Mixing the roles of fathers and children is very dangerous. Are you sure that in your family the difference in status is clear enough? If there is no clear distribution of family roles and a hierarchy recognized by all, confusion reigns – both in the house and in the minds … Familiar relations, teenage parents, children overloaded with responsibility, interchangeability in one function or another, general connivance … When the family gets confused, the children are lost.

Meanwhile, it is known that “everyone in his place” is the basic law of family and psychological harmony. To become a person, a child needs to face boundaries, deal with mature personalities, and gain firm—and therefore credible—points of reference.

Tip: act according to your role (and age!). A family is not a fun group of friends: the parent couple and children should occupy different places in the family hierarchy. Taking on the role of a parent also means coming to terms with the need to sometimes do unpleasant things: to prohibit, punish, criticize and limit. This is not always easy, but it is much more necessary for a child than a demagogue parent, a parent who avoids responsibility, or a “kind” parent. You can be a friend to your child, but at the same time remain an adult and not try to overcome the line that separates generations. In other words, do not envy neither the freedom, nor the youth, nor the carelessness of your own children. Yes – to borrowing some things, no – to a common wardrobe; yes – to ask for advice or opinion of your child, no – to attempts to involve him in making adult decisions; yes – to joint entertainment, no – to the systematic sacrifice of the life of a couple in sacrifice of family life!

Ask yourself:

• Do you think that in a family only parents have the right to make decisions? Is this what happens in your family?
• Do you think that every family member should have an equal voice in decision making? Is this the case in your own family?
• Do you think that everyone is lonely in life and that children should learn to cope with difficulties on their own as early as possible?

Parental Interaction

Problem: You can’t agree among yourselves. Are you rival parents, do you have very different opinions, or are you unable to find a balance in the distribution of responsibility? Be that as it may, you cannot act in a coordinated manner, and children take advantage of this. And always to your own detriment. A married couple is first and foremost a team of educators. When one of the two takes full responsibility, or when his decisions are questioned by the other parent, children use this to seize more power or take care of their own interests.

The result: constant conflicts, the authority of parents is falling, and the children no longer know who to trust.

Advice: work together. “Unity” does not mean “unanimity”. One can agree on the end, but disagree on the means. To create a team of educators means to state to the partner your beliefs, doubts, suggestions, then listen to him and decide together which course of action to choose. Avoid serious arguments in front of children and never humiliate your partner in front of them. Children can be asked what solution they would prefer, but they should not be called on as witnesses during a conflict.

Ask yourself:

• Do you think that in matters of upbringing, your partner tends to decide everything alone? Does it suit you? Do you think it suits him? Are your children getting the kind of upbringing that suits them?
• Do you feel that your partner has shifted all responsibility for raising children to you? Does it suit you? And his?
• Do you feel like your partner is being too (or not) strict with your kids?
• Your partner often says that you are too strict with children (or not strict enough with them), is this true or not?