What does it mean to be the parent of a “special” child? How is it to have a son or daughter who will never be “like everyone else”? What is it like constantly trying on a new image of your own parenthood, constantly learning to accept your own child again?
The very first, quick and obvious reaction, if we are talking about autism spectrum disorder, is an unwillingness to admit that there is a problem. Therefore, when the first bells ring and experts talk thoughtfully about problems in development, I want to say: “No! It is not true! It’s just that he has the first age crisis, the child must be able to be capricious. Finding your “I” is not an easy task. It’s just that he does not immediately reveal himself to strangers, but in fact he is different. He is our little philosopher, a very concentrated child.” However, as the features come out brighter and clearer and just brushing aside – “outgrow”, “this is such a period” and “such a character” – no longer works, another stage begins, the main danger of which is irreparably lost time. The first question that parents, stunned by any difficult diagnosis, ask themselves is full of despair: “why?! why my child? what did i do? how did he anger God and the universe? The feeling of guilt is very unproductive, but it is precisely this feeling that at the first moment overwhelms the mother or father to the very top. It is at this stage that families break up. It is unbearable to carry this load only on oneself, and therefore the showdown – whose heredity and lifestyle are to blame – destroys the most important thing that a “special” baby needs. Not just the love of parents, but a team that has enough strength, patience, courage and perseverance, because the marathon is going to be long and its final result is unpredictable.
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- How do autists think?
All this, at first glance, leaves the family with nothing but an exhausting struggle with themselves and with the environment: for the right to be together, for the right to love their child as he is, for the right to provide him with access to what other children have. One can endlessly talk about how cruel the world is, about the readiness of our society for compassion and mercy, about the fact that life is unfair in general and in particular, wasting all emotional and life resources on this. Clumped inside an all-encompassing stress. Stone and overgrown with armor.
Meanwhile, everything is not so hopeless. If one door closes somewhere, another immediately opens. You can try to formulate the main question a little differently. Not “for what?”, but “for what? why?”. The reasoning that “no test is given just like that” still remains within the framework of the paradigm “for what exactly was this test sent to me.” But an attempt to realize what I can get for myself as a result of what happened, what opportunities and prospects may open up for me, turns the problem into a completely different side and colors it with completely different, not so gloomy colors. Try to talk to those mothers and fathers who have not gone into moral scheming, who have not blocked all entrances and exits with the consciousness of the weight of the burden that they have to bear. You will not only meet cheerful and open-minded people who are convinced that no misfortune has happened in their life, but you will hear words of gratitude for how many wonderful people they met on their way thanks to their child’s autism, how much they learned about themselves, for which were able to. And most importantly, they are convinced that no one owes them anything and the world around them can be changed only by offering them these changes on a partnership basis. And it works. Believe me. You just have to try!