Each couple is unique, and there is no single template for all happy marriages. But some universal principles can serve as a navigator in family life. The main thing is not to confuse them with false attitudes that mislead many of us, says American pastor Dave Willis.
Mark Twain once said, “Your problems are not what you don’t know about. They are from what you are absolutely sure of, when in fact you are mistaken. When it comes to modern marriages, I understand how right and wise the classic was.
Some of the ideas about marital relationships that are firmly planted in our minds are actually erroneous. When we follow them, confident in their truth, we doom marriage to failure. I hope that clearing up some of the typical “marriage myths” will help us rethink our views on family relationships.
10 Common Marriage Myths (Order Doesn’t Matter)
1. If I choose the “right person” as my wife (husband), we will always love each other.
In our culture, the myth of the “soulmate” is very common. It seems to us that it is worth finding a soul mate, and our passion will never dry up, our disagreements will be rare (if ever), we will both want to make love all the time and every day will be like a fairy tale.
When we wake up in the morning and do not feel all this, we begin to suspect that we have married the wrong person. So, you need to get out of there and find a real “soul mate”. The truth is that strong marriages are built on the interest of both partners, not their compatibility.
2. If my husband (wife) really loves me, he (she) will be ready to change.
Some of the most frustrated people on earth are those who try to change their partner, or those who are required by their partner to “fix”. Such relationships are not only exhausting, they are unnatural. They are built on manipulating each other, not love. Yes, both partners will constantly have to adjust their selfish desires and goals in favor of family interests, but you should not do something to the detriment of your individuality.
Remember, it is not your job to fix or change your spouse.
Love brings out the best in us, but does not change our “I”. Remember, it is not your job to fix or change your spouse. Your job is to love him. Love is what really changes us all.
3. My friends know me, who will advise them better on how to deal with a family problem.
Almost every person in your environment is ready to give you advice and share their opinion. We trust our friends and naturally assume that their advice regarding our marriage will be reliable. However, you will not get more accurate advice from friends who are usually close in age to you, which means they face the same problems.
You need not just a friend, but a mentor – a more experienced, wiser person. Find someone whose marriage you consider a role model and would like your family to be the same in 20 years, so ask him for advice.
4. I don’t have to tell my husband (wife) everything.
The idea that there can be no secrets from each other in a marriage seems offensive to many, but it is very important for a healthy relationship. Secrecy is the enemy of intimacy, and if you want a marriage to stay strong, stick to the principle of openness and trust. What does it mean? Do not keep something important secret from your partner, do not hide passwords, do not hide money. The most harmonious couples value transparency in relationships more than privacy. They put their responsibility to their partner ahead of their right to privacy.
5. My parents raised me, so I should listen to them more than to a partner.
We certainly should respect our parents, but when we do this to the detriment of our own family, it creates a dysfunctional atmosphere in the house. Appreciate your union and do not allow relatives to speak disrespectfully of your partner. And do not allow yourself to criticize him in the presence of parents and other people either.
6. I do not have to explain to my partner what is wrong: if he is attentive, he will guess.
Innuendo is one of the most common causes of misunderstanding and conflict in marriage. We think that our non-verbal hints are enough for the partner to understand everything. Or it seems to us that the answer is so obvious that there is no need to say it out loud. Falling into this trap, one feels helpless and the other feels frustrated.
Don’t let relatives speak disrespectfully of your partner
Remember: no matter how strong the love is, the partner does not have to read your thoughts. It is necessary to speak out your feelings and explain everything clearly.
7. If I am not satisfied in marriage and at the same time I do not allow myself to cheat, then I can do whatever I want to satisfy my needs.
Modern couples are increasingly turning to “outside resources” for sexual fulfillment in marriage, such as pornography or reading erotic novels. In an attempt to get more intense pleasure, they actually sabotage sexual intimacy with a partner. All your sexual energy, fantasies and desires should be directed to a partner. Do not change him either physically or mentally. This may seem impossible, but it is not.
8. Every couple is unique, so there is no one right way to create a good marriage.
This is partly true, but sometimes it is precisely such “almost true” things that can mislead us more than obvious lies. Each couple is unique and there is no one template for all unions, but there are some universal principles that serve as a compass on a family journey. Failure to follow these principles will lead to disaster.
9. Children need us, so their needs should always come first in the family.
If you have children, then I am sure you are ready to give your life for them. Parenthood requires us to be selflessly caring for children, but I have seen too many couples who sacrifice their marriage to their parenting mission.
Solve problems together and you will come out of the crisis stronger
Parents mistakenly assume that the business of raising children requires total dedication, and that marriage can be “put on autopilot” for the time being. One day, such parents wake up and realize that the children have grown up, the “nest” is empty, and nothing is left of the marriage either.
One of the greatest gifts you can give to children is the sense of security they feel when their parents are close and friendly. Create an alliance that will make your children want to get married someday too!
10. If something doesn’t work out in my marriage, I’ll probably leave and try to start a family with someone else.
When you’re in trouble, don’t let yourself think of divorce as a possible solution. Don’t dream of living with someone else. Solve problems together and you will come out of the crisis stronger. Remember that the “perfect marriage” is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other!
Source: TIME.
About the Developer
Dave Willis Pastor at Stevens Creek Church in Augusta, Georgia. Together with his wife Ashley, she helps young people prepare for marriage and help couples overcome difficulties. Author of The Seven Laws of Love: Fundamentals of Building Strong Relationships (Thomas Nelson, 2016).