It often happens that we vow to ourselves never to repeat the relationship that reigned between our parents — cold and distant, or overly practical, or built on mutual accusations and aggression. But years later, we understand: our alliance with a partner is just that. Why is this happening and can something be done about it?
“No love and passion — just a sense of duty,” one of the clients of clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo described the relationship between her parents. — Conversations exclusively on everyday topics, no sparks, no fire. Were they happy with each other? I do not think. But they didn’t get divorced either — it wasn’t accepted. However, many around lived like this, but I was sure that this would never happen to me.
Needless to say, after ten years of marriage, the woman realized that she had exactly repeated the parental scenario? ..
The fact that this happens is not surprising: we all learn by analogy, and the relationship between parents and the overall atmosphere in the family for us is the main source of information about “how to”. We adopt certain patterns, behaviors without noticing. Even if family relationships are unhealthy, and love goes hand in hand with other emotions, often negative ones, as we grow up, we unconsciously seek a repetition of this experience.
And the better we understand these patterns and their impact on our adult life, the faster we can track the moment of transition to the usual “rails” and stop. Because, whatever one may say, the past affects that …
1. Who do we choose
It is often said that we choose partners who are similar to our parents. However, this is not at all about visual similarity, but about how we feel with these people, whether they give us that “love” (with all other feelings included) that mom and dad do.
Alas, many of us had a chance to experience rejection, loneliness, harsh criticism or suffocating care in childhood, but even if our parents loved us and tried to take care of us, the family could experience crises and other shocks.
It is helpful to reflect on how your family of origin was, whether you felt loved, and if so, how. This way you can understand what other emotions usually go into your “love basket”.
2. How we communicate
Have you ever noticed, for example, maternal intonations or phrases and thought: “Nightmare! I’m becoming like my own mother!»? There is nothing wrong with copying the parent’s behavior — provided, of course, if it is healthy. And if not?
Analyze how you communicate with your partner now. Are you satisfied with the way you speak? Can you listen? Support? Are you throwing accusations?
3. How we fight
How do you behave in conflict situations? Hang out and go back on your ass? Are you lost? Are you crying? Are you blowing up? Do you calmly and consistently defend your point of view? Do you close and distance yourself from your partner? Do you use sex as a tool of punishment? Do you ignore your loved one immediately after a fight?
Arguing and swearing is normal: conflict helps to convey your position to your partner and look at the situation through his eyes. The only question is how we do it, whether we manage to maintain and demonstrate respect for each other. Also, what kind of example are we setting for our children?
4. What we value
And do our values match when it comes to family and parenthood, money and sex, career aspirations and expectations from life together. It is better to clarify this in the early stages of the relationship — otherwise, there is a chance that years later you will find that you as a couple have reached an impasse.
Indeed, how childhood and relationships in the parental family were, has a huge impact on our personal life in adulthood. But most importantly, we are not required to repeat the parent script. It is in our power to fix everything, make different choices and behave differently.
About the Author: Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist.