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Thanks to the internet, today’s teenagers know more about sex than we do at their age, they even have “sex etiquette”. What does this knowledge give and what does it take away? And what should parents do? Journalist Vivien Mayer reflects on this.
We didn’t know much about sex, so we didn’t immediately enjoy it. My first sexual experiments are hours alone with the same half-dressed as myself, and the same experienced young man. We moved by touch, in the dark – both figuratively and literally – discovering a new world for the first time, sometimes approaching a thin edge, the edge beyond which adult sensations, frightening in their sharpness, began.
Today, 30 years later, I think things have changed for girls. Now they are growing up in a world where porn sites have more traffic than Amazon, Netflix and Twitter combined, and where the average age a child first sees a porn video is 11 years old.
In questions of what to do and how, there is no room for ignorance or guesswork. Everything is clearly shown in daylight. The words “orgasm” or “penis” our children pronounce without stuttering or blushing.
Although even now there are things that go into the shadows. Do you want to know which ones? Do they enjoy and allow themselves to think about it?
Because now their main teacher is porn content, and it brings up their sexuality.
The cheat sheet experience
We were both inexperienced in this matter. Some might know more about it, some less, but we were extremely excited. For a while, the boy worked up the courage to finally unfasten his bra one decisive day.
Before starting a sexual life, our children must have their own opinion, be able to defend it if something happens that violates their safety boundaries.
Now, when teenagers are alone for the first time, they cannot be called inexperienced. They already have in their heads those thousands of pictures that they have managed to see by this time. And it is likely that each of them goes over them in his mind – like a student who pulled out a ticket after a sleepless night and knows that he did not study half of it. Which answer will be correct, which cheat sheet will not let you down?
Porn etiquette rules
Porn teaches how to satisfy a man. On porn sites, time is money. On average, the video lasts 6 minutes, which means that this is the sexual etiquette, the teenager decides. In it, poses and smiles have already been tested, preludes have been played out and the finale is evident. Both literally and figuratively.
Peggy Orenstein, after conducting 70 interviews with American girls from 15 to 20 years old, learned that, despite the fact that they have very extensive knowledge about the technique of sex they feel very insecure during the first sexual contacts. They care about how the boyfriend will evaluate their body, whether he will find their actions and movements sexy and whether he will feel good with them. And she constantly listened to confessions that girls faked orgasm from the very beginning, focusing on how it happened in hot commercials.
Tips for parents
1. Discuss porn BEFORE your child sees it
Talk about the menu before they try it. It’s not about whether porn is good or bad on the internet as a phenomenon.
It’s about a cynical multi-billion dollar industry, a lucrative business that offers its services to our children.
Here are three things they learn after viewing his product.
- The sole purpose of a sexual encounter is penetration and ejaculation.
- Women exist to assist in point 1.
- In order to have a successful meeting, conversations, exchange of emotions and intimacy are not necessary.
And this training does not take place on an intellectual level. It’s more subtle and more reliable. These love porn maps and porn navigators stay in their brains like spreadsheets in chemistry class.
It McDonald’s principle is to satisfy the need quickly and reliably, without nuances, without imagination. And you know what? After enough repetitions, it keeps you coming back here again and again, regardless of whether you are tired of the Big Mac or not.
The porno mainstream makes our children the same in this as well. Instead of an endlessly complex, exciting, and territory-specific sexuality, instead of a personal experience, he turns the meeting of two teenagers into a sprint to male ejaculation.
2. Teach them to think critically
We will not send our child to a camp or a hike without everything necessary. We will remind him to study for exams. Likewise, before starting a sexual life, our children must have their own opinion, be able to defend it and question it if something tells them that what is happening violates their security boundaries. What do I want from this relationship? What are the risks?
Girls need to hear more positive things about sex from us. That it is a source of joy and great responsibility
3. Talk to them about sex in a positive way more often.
Safe sex, the right to say no, isn’t everything about sex. Sex is a meeting of two loving people. Openness, the ability to communicate and respect each other are important in it just as in any communication.
What is sexual autonomy? How to be able to say “no”? To do this, you need to understand your desires well, distinguish your sexual desires from those of others, decide where the necessary boundaries lie, and be responsible for your decisions. For example, talk to your child about what it means to them to “be ready for sex.” Buy condoms? Trust your boyfriend?
Differences must be respected. While teens want to look and act exactly like their friends, they need to know that sexuality is an area where they need to be themselves first and foremost.
Ask him what is the most important thing in sex. Let him come to the conclusion that healthy relationships are very important – those in which there is interest, care and trust. Ask your child: Are there couples among your friends that you like? Are there people whose relationships bother you? What could improve these relations?
4. Sexuality is a feeling, not a technique
Adolescents must determine for themselves what sex means to them personally. Do not adopt ready-made samples and do not take them on faith.
What is our body made for? For kisses, hugs, in order to caress him and admire him. Sexuality is about how we feel, not about what we do. We need to get away from the masculine imperative “one size fits all”.
5. Speak not only about the risks, but also about the pleasure
In Holland, when mothers talk to their daughters about sex, they emphasize that it is a source of joy and great responsibility. In America, people talk more about risks and dangers.
Girls need to hear more positive things about sex from us. That there is a special part in the human anatomy that is designed to give us pleasure, and that they should appreciate their feminine ability to experience this pleasure.
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