In a good family, teenagers have no problems with money. It is normal to sit down at dinner and all together consult on how to resolve this issue. A son or daughter tells how much and what they want, in the family circle everyone thinks what is relevant and what is not very relevant, then parents give money for really necessary purchases, and what teenagers just want, they earn money themselves.
If you want a camera with good optics, great, but you need to earn money for this yourself. However, in a good family and here, parents can help and suggest where and how it is better for a teenager to earn extra money.
In many families, so that there are no constant negotiations, these questions about money are resolved systematically: an agreement is thought out and created. For example, this: “We have an agreement on spending (for fashionistas — it mainly concerns clothes!). What is needed for life — for example, the first pair of winter boots — is bought by me without further discussion. Something that is not an essential item — the fifth pair of summer boots — if you «really, really want», then it is given for a birthday! And what you want, but not really, is bought equally for all family members, when finances allow.
When issues between close people are resolved in a good way, they are resolved in justice. For example, as another reader, dad, writes to us: “Will I help them with my children? Certainly. But not always exactly in the form in which they want it. A conflict may arise if my child’s ideas about justice are very different. If this happens, options are possible: a) I convince the child that I am right; b) The child convinces me that he is right (if he does it correctly, without scandals and manipulations, I will be just happy); c) We are looking for an option that will suit both. But can it be that the parents and the teenager do not agree, as a result of which the parties disagree, each in his own way, dissatisfied with each other? The option “not to agree” is possible, this is normal. It only means that the teenager’s argument was not convincing enough. But dissatisfaction with parents is not normal, and self-respecting parents do not allow such behavior of children. If children do not like their parents, they have the right to leave them when they reach the age of majority. But if children live with parents who take care of them, gratitude is due for this. But children will understand this only when it is explained to them. Whose job is this? That’s right, ours is the work of parents.
If children are accustomed from childhood that their parents owe them everything, these problems will only increase with age. Our readers write about this with sadness: “My son is almost 16, my friends are girls, of course (for him) he needs money. Take a girl to the cinema, to a cafe, to spend all sorts of nonsense on her own. For example: there is cooked food at home — he does not eat, he says, my friends and I will go and eat somewhere. Etc. My husband and I work and make good money. We explained to our son more than once that it is not in our rules to give money just like that. From time to time they tried to give pocket expenses a certain, in our opinion, reasonable amount — 500 USD per week. “This is not money, this is nonsense,” the son answered us. Earn! While you are studying, study well, then it will be a pleasure for us to provide you with entertainment (everything is clear, after all, we were young ourselves — we want everything!). He has everything (in our opinion) — and a computer, phone, clothes — everything you need. But it turns out that Vasya has a phone for $500, while Petya’s parents give him $15 a month for pocket expenses, and so on. “And you buy cars for yourself, but you can’t buy that phone for me! Yes, everything is clear, it’s just that I’m not native to my dad, that’s the whole point … ”- this is a son about us. From time to time, the son works — in the summer for a month with friends, then he delivered leaflets at the company’s husband (then he quit, “I’m like a sucker” …), soon he’ll go to work as a system administrator for his grandfather — we’ve already agreed. But the first question is how much to earn. When money appears, they give it for d / r, we give, it earns — like sand through fingers. And everything is not enough. The consumer attitude is very offending…”
When parents behave helplessly, teenagers start to press on their parents, make screams and scandals with accusations: “Why did you give birth to me if you can’t provide for me (I’m going to buy a cell phone, or cool jeans, or give money to a hairdresser)?” Oddly enough, stopping this pressure is actually not difficult if you follow the following points.
First, don’t explain or make excuses. In any case, a daughter who makes a scandal is unlikely to be a grateful listener, no matter how logical and smooth your explanations are.
Second: demand a different tone. As a wise mother writes, “If a child needs my help, he will have to learn a different style of communication to talk with me. Why? Because if in order to get something from me, a scandal is arranged … then for me it’s the same as an attempt to pay for my help with counterfeit coins. Why should I take them? In short, I just don’t talk in this style.
Third: if necessary, explain to the teenager the legal side of the issue. Namely, in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation, parents are obliged to support their minor children, that is, to give them everything necessary for their healthy life and development. But buying things for children that they will show off to their peers is not the responsibility of parents. Also, a teenager does not have the right to entertain himself with games. How much and when our children will have fun — we, the parents, decide, thinking about the affairs of the family and the future of our children — the future for which we are obliged to prepare our children.
Everything that parents have bought for their children remains the property of the parents. Children have all these things in safekeeping mode and use them on the terms that their parents have formulated for them. If a teenager uses his things or toys incorrectly, the parents take these things away. And if they are very dissatisfied with their parents and believe that they have parents, they can get acquainted with what “bad parents” are. In this case, the parents take everything that was bought with their money from the teenager, after which they offer to start negotiations from the beginning, on the condition that the parents are treated with respect and gratitude.
Children treat their parents the way parents can put themselves. Here is how one smart mother writes about this: “My young man, almost 18 years old, easily knocks all sorts of goodies out of his grandparents with scandals. They, grandparents, argue like this — «on, take it, just stop making noise.» The young man does not even try to apply these methods to me, one or two times it turned out to be enough for him to understand: scandalizing his mother is the surest way to fly past nishtyaks. Grandparents have tantrums with slamming doors and swinging rights in the style of “adults should take care of children!”, And polite peace negotiations are underway with mom.
What is it like to have polite peace talks? Here is a recording of a real conversation with my son, where a seemingly difficult conversation about money is resolved quite reasonably:
My young man calls me the other day:
— Maas, do you have two thousand?
— There is.
— Can you give them to me?
Theoretically, I can. Practically, it depends on what you are going to spend them on.
— I want to buy a new board (that is, a skateboard).
— … (silent)
“Well, are you sorry?
— Honestly? It’s a pity. Two thousand is a big enough sum for me.
— … (silently) … Well, let’s do it … you give me these two thousand now, and then I don’t ask you for anything for a whole year. Even on your birthday. Is it coming?
— You thought well?
“…Yeah. OK.
— Do you answer?
— I answer!
— Do you have a tooth?
— I give!
— Which one then?
— I’ll see what kind of chipped one I have. (both laughing)
— Okay, baby, come, I’ll give you money. But look, the kid said — the kid did!
— Ask!