Teenage transition: advice for parents

So, you’ve been raising your baby for a long time. At first, this little lump pressed against you every minute. At that time, he needed it. Physically and energetically. Dad and mom are heroes, main protectors, entertainers, buyers, substitutes for everything and everyone.

In the senior group of the kindergarten, new heroes began to appear: Mitya’s dad – he is a motorcyclist, Spider-Man – he is cool, Ivan Petrovich – he is my coach. You have gradually become one-tenth less heroes. Did not notice? OK.

We go further – primary school. Now the main ones are the teacher, friend Seryozha, friend Masha! Mom and Dad do not know how to complete the level in Minecraft and how the kitten laughs on the phone. Mom and Dad only want good grades and they strictly control it. But laughing together was no longer so important. Hugs are not so anxious. And you don’t want this as often as at the age of three. You parents are only half heroes.

And then comes the 5-6th grade, 10-11 years. The child begins to understand that the world is huge and unknown. There is only one hero “half”: mom or dad. This is fine. The world is not enough for two. And the invisible umbilical cord that connects you and the baby is getting longer and more transparent. There is a desire to show or hide your world: shout about yourself or withdraw.

But you, dear parents, are not ready for this yet. They grow slowly for you, but for themselves they grow quickly. And then comes a nasty, nasty and military puberty.

– Nikita began to snap, I can not force to do anything.

– Yesterday Sashka disrupted the lesson!

– Sonechka was such a nice child, now she argues to the point of hoarseness.

– I can’t drive to swim and brush my teeth, just with a fight!

– Danil told me that he hates me, it’s a nightmare!

Now let’s take a consistent look at why this happens and why a teenager is a reflection of our actions.

If the child did not have a so-called difficult, adolescent period, then you have correctly formed a relationship with him.

Imagine, your Masha, Dasha, Arishka or Yegorka is a huge new republic. In my head – the government, young, inexperienced, but terrible smart. And this republic is part of your country. Yes, you are a hypothetical PAPAMALANDIA. Everything that came before does not count. You yourself raised the republic and gave it rights and laws. The laws are general. You still think that the child has no rights, but only responsibilities. The child has already endowed himself with rights. And nothing can be done. You defended him, you said aloud: “Yes, the teacher has no right to say that, who invented this to mock children like that, a child is a person!” We are not discussing right now what is right and what is wrong. Rights received. On one’s own. Because it is important for a child of 12-15 years old.

And what is happening in this new republic in a huge country? The republic is trying to live. As he knows how, as he was taught before, and does something in spite of, in a different way, comes up with new laws and shouts about rights. What do the celestials (i.e. parents) do? They have lived their lives, they know a lot, they are always right.

• Everything has been built in a big country, and you are still building.
• In a large country there is a law, and you are breaking.
• In a big country, everyone calmed down: you don’t need to get enough sleep at night and tear all your strength to draw wall newspapers to school, you don’t need to compete, as in elementary school.

And then there is a riot! And the main ones impose tough sanctions: the republic is still small, but it has so many things developing, it does not have time, it will not succeed, it must be fenced off, taken away, banned. We all learned history. What will happen next? The revolution.

How to (follows): to accept a new government with its enormous potential. Let me tell you a secret: most adults are not wiser than adolescents, because the accumulated internal barriers often prevent them from living on their own. And these gestalts are automatically transferred to children. Yes, we are limited, humble yourself. Experience is not always a guarantee of wisdom. Your republic has chamomile fields of opportunities! There is not yet this “I know how it will end!”, There is “I wonder how it can end?”, But there are always millions of options.

I want to clarify that we are not talking about potentially dangerous things in the life of a teenager (we strictly and immediately limit this). Let the realization come that there is no more five-year plan that kisses you every minute. And if not, you need to change yourself, not the child! It is not we who have changed. It was he who changed. It is difficult for him, it is incomprehensible to him, he sometimes hurts. And, no matter how he shouts and quarrels with you, do not impose sanctions, expand his republic within yourself.

Most parents believe that it is important for the child to be understood. The teenager shouts: “You don’t need to understand me, love me the way I am, I don’t understand myself”.

The roles have already changed, and you didn’t even notice.

• He now communicates with you like an adult. And let the father scream in the hearts that something has grown, but the brains are not. Everything has grown. Little is left of the child.
• Review your roles in the family. If something could be allowed with a ten year old, now it is impossible! Do you remember how six years ago you squatted down to talk to your crying daughter? Now you should do the same, only communicate in the adult-adult role.
• When a child freaks out, he tries to shout: “I have changed, love me in a new way!” This means that your teenager doesn’t want a lisp, bedtime story, or chupa chups at the checkout. He wants adult love: on an equal footing. This does not mean that everything will be grown-up. Deceive him a little, let him wait. An unreasonable parent will say: “What are you talking about, I feed you, sing, dress you. There will be a family, there and download the rights! ” A loving parent will do this: “I am so glad that you have matured. Now you and I will have common business. I earn, and you help me with the housework. Dad is fixing a chair, and you sweep it. Now we are doing everything together. “
• No matter how the child shouts at you and even utters scary words like “I hate you, you are the worst mom”, do not be aggressive. Give him love: joint activities, bedtime conversations and … hugs. He will repel you, but he really needs it, believe me.